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Old 08-07-2009, 02:29 AM   #281 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Fw: $10 a Pill

> >Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa
> >found
>
> >a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using
> >one
> >of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;
>they're
>
> >very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a
> >pill,"Answered the son.
> >"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
>
> >leave in the morning,
> >I"ll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son
>found
>
> >$110.00 under
> >the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was
> >$10.00,
> >not $110.00. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma.
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Old 08-07-2009, 02:31 AM   #282 (permalink)
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a very generous man
A GENEROUS MAN
A wife comes home early one day and finds her husband in their bed making love to a beautiful, sexy young woman. "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me your faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"
The husband replies, "Just wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"Hmmmmm, I don't know. Well, okay, but it'll be the last thing I ever want to hear from you. Make it fast, you lying, cheating dog!"
The husband begins to tell his story:
"While I was driving home, this woman stopped me and asked me for a ride.
She was so young and defenseless that I went ahead and let her in the car.
I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten in three days. With great compassion and caring I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight. The poor thing devoured them. Since she was very dirty, I asked her if she'd like to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and full of holes, so I threw them away. Since she then needed some clothes, I gave her a pair of jeans you've had for a few years and can no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse I gave you on our Anniversary that you won't wear because you think I don't have goo d taste.
I gave her the pullover my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bug my sister and I also gave her the boots you bought at that expensive boutique and have worn only once after seeing one of your co-workers wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story. . "The young woman was very grateful to me and as we were walking to the door she suddenly stopped and turned to me, tears streaming down her face, and said, 'Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?' "
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Old 08-07-2009, 02:48 AM   #283 (permalink)
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Subject: Lawyers should be careful...
> >
> >Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if
> > They aren't prepared for the answer.
> >In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
> >Called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to
> >The stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
> >Know me?"
> > She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've
> >known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
> >Been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
> >Wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
> > Their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't
> > The brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
> > Than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
> >The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he
> > Pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
> >attorney?"
> >She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
> > Since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
> > Has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
> > With anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the
> > Entire state.
> > Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One
of
> >them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
> >The defense attorney almost died.
> >The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
> >quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks
> >Her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:39 AM   #284 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Ever heard the one about the Chinese Godfather?
He made them an offer they could'nt understand.

Stole that joke from The Sopranos.
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Old 08-08-2009, 02:19 PM   #285 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker
his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just
give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands
but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with
me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself,
studied hard and got good grades. When I got older,
I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all
the way through school, got my degree, so then I was
Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was
Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, ....so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing....
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Old 08-12-2009, 07:15 PM   #286 (permalink)
 
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Fw: Arkansas Logic














Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, aresitting at their
favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba
and says,

'You know, I'm tired of going through life without
an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
Community College and sign up for some classes.'
Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and
meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up
for the four basic classes:
Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What 's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?' 'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed
eater,
I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true , I do have a yard .'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you
have a yard, I think logically that you would have a
house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you
might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.'
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then
logically you must have a wife. And because you have
a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able
to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the
Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar.
He tells Bubba about his classes,
how he is signed up for Math, English,
History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'
Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have
a weed eater?'
'No'
'Then you're a queer
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Old 08-13-2009, 01:49 AM   #287 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate



DEAR DESPERATE
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck !

Tech Support
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Old 08-17-2009, 02:47 PM   #288 (permalink)
 
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Embarrassed Doctors

1. A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab..'



I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.



Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco



2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.




'Big breaths,'. .. .... I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.



Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA



3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.



Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he

had died of a 'massive internal fart.'



Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg



4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.


'Which one ?'.. . .. I asked.

'The patch ....... '

'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of

places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man

had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.



Submitted by Dr Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .

'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'



Submitted by Dr.. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis , OR



6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked .. . . 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' . .

Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'



Submitted by Dr.. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit



7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . ..

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's

dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'



Submitted by RN no name



AND FINALLY!! ! ... . . . ... . . . . ... . . . ...



8 As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out

laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . ... ...

'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .

'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener..'



Dr. wouldn't submit his name . . .









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Old 08-18-2009, 05:07 PM   #289 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

That looks like the email I sent you LOL.
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Old 08-20-2009, 12:33 PM   #290 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ Just drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! t’was horrid, just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me right then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible? “ asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good? “
“t’was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I be sittin here, I can never show me face in Starbucks again!”
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Old 08-25-2009, 11:10 PM   #291 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

[FONT='Times New Roman',serif]ItalianPregnancy[/font]
[FONT='Times New Roman',serif]An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed herperiod for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancykit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.[/font]
[FONT='Times New Roman',serif]Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'[/font]

[FONT='Times New Roman',serif]The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair andimpeccably dressed in anArmani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.[/font]
[FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',fantasy]He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.[/font][/font]

[FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',fantasy]I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll takecharge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..[/font][/font]

[FONT='Times New Roman',serif]
Additionally.......[/font]
[FONT='Times New Roman',serif]If a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. [/font]
[FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',-webkit-fantasy]If a boy is born,my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000bank account.[/font][/font]
[FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',-webkit-fantasy]If twins,they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.[/font][/font]
[FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',-webkit-fantasy][FONT='Times New Roman',fantasy]However.......[/font][/font][/font]
[FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',-webkit-fantasy][FONT='Times New Roman',fantasy]If there is a miscarriage,what do you suggest I do?'[/font][/font][/font]

[FONT='Times New Roman',serif]
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun,places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.[/font]

[FONT='Times New Roman',serif]
'You gonnatry again.'[/font]
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Old 08-26-2009, 12:14 AM   #292 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Scuba Dave will like this.

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies:

"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f****n' boat.

Another dumb joke LOL
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Old 08-26-2009, 01:22 AM   #293 (permalink)
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Pancakes:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
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Old 08-26-2009, 01:29 AM   #294 (permalink)
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Maria a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry
very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to
tell her papa. Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another.
Your Madre does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother".


So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Antonio.
After telling Papa again, he said, "Maria, there's trouble
still. You cannot marry Antonio. Please don't tell your
mother, but Antonio and Jose are your half-brothers."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama
already knew and said "Maria, do what makes you happy. Marry Antonio or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."
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Old 08-26-2009, 03:48 AM   #295 (permalink)
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Dinner Time
There is a bird sitting in the tree, chirping sweet and carefree.
There is a cat sitting on the fence, waiting for the bird to drop its defense.
On the ground sits a dog, barking loud and ready for the quick jog.
At the door a man calls out.
The bird takes to flight, the cat begins to pounce, and the dog starts to chase.
The man at the door moves without haste.
(Moral: Never call your pets in for dinner at the same time).
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Old 08-26-2009, 02:00 PM   #296 (permalink)
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Church:
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No ****?"
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Old 08-30-2009, 12:48 PM   #297 (permalink)
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Wow! Never been to this thread before. Okay, here's one I like:
It was the first day of school & the teacher, having had a course in psychology, wanted to try it out on her students. Standing behind her desk, she took roll-call then looked about the room.
Puzzling a bit, she said, "All right. I want everybody who thinks they're stupid to stand up."
Everyone remained seated. A few seconds later, Johnny stood up.
Looking at the boy, the teacher said, "So, Johnny, you actually think you are stupid?"
"Nope.", he replied, "Just didn't want ya to have to stand there all by yourself."

Last edited by Eric : 08-31-2009 at 06:58 PM.
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:55 PM   #298 (permalink)
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments...

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they are not the "in" name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
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Old 09-07-2009, 09:35 PM   #299 (permalink)
 
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Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.




'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into DA....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into DA trailer and I vas driving down DA road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into DA trailer and vas driving her down DA highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran DA stop sign and smacked my truck right in DA side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into DA other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after DA accident DA Highway Patrolman, he came to DA scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween DA eyes.

Den DA Patrolman, he came across DA road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat DA hell vould YOU say?
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Old 09-08-2009, 12:48 AM   #300 (permalink)
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Subject: In Cognito






Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined
to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify
them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"
garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine
and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong
bikini came walking straight toward them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father.
Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them. They were
both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you
even saw them.

Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach , in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless
blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward
them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning,
Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute
young lady." "Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I
have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we
are?"



She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis."
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