buzzwinder

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants' takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S.........

__________________


Bill for my friend

buzzwinder

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
>
> Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
>
> He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
>
> When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
>
> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
>
> Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
>
> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark."
>
> "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
>
> After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

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Bill for my friend

Caloosamusa

Awesome Buzzwinder!!!

Tog Tan

An elderly woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager came to the woman and asked, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and screamed,

RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'

and doing so drew an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleaded,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman said,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

Patty in Wisc

MY LIVING WILL



Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

He got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.

He's such a jerk..

__________________
Got a lite?
Patty




____
Patty in Wisc has sadly passed away 9/05/11. We will miss you Patty.

saltydad

Great one, Patty.

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

chong

A cruise you may want to try....something exciting and an adrenalin pumper....

*Somali Cruise Package *

I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan)
and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania). The cost is a bit high but I didn't
find that offensive. What I found enticing is that the cruise company is
encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the
cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the
boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have
reloading parties every afternoon.

The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of US$3200
per person double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and
down the coast of Somalia awaiting the approach of pirates.

Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.
US$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day cruise) M-16 full auto
rental US$25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at
US$15.95
AK-47 riffle @ No charge. Ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com black ball ammo
at US$14.95 Barrett M-107 50 cal sniper rifle rental US$55.00/day ammo
at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at US$9.95 Crew members can double as
spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included). They even offer
rocket propelled grenades at US$75 and US$200 dollars for three standard
loads "Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment
and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."

Meals are not included but seem reasonable. Most cruises offer a
mini-bar... These gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....
"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @US$450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"
They advertise group rates and corporate discounts......and even claim
"FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"

They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied....here's some
text from the ad:

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts
by pirates or we will refund half your money including gun rental
charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).. How can we
guarantee you will experience a hijacking attempt? We operate at 5 knots
within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted hijacking does
not occur we turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will
repeat this for up to 8 days making one pass per day along the entire
length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are
shot off at intervals. Loud disco music is directed toward the shore to
attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve
your package before May 31 and get 100 free rounds of tracer ammo in the
caliber of your choice."

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, here are a few
testimonials

"I got three confirmed kills on my most recent trip. I felt like the
Kommandant of a 1950's Gulag camp. I'll never hunt big game in Africa
again. --Igor, Moskva, Russia

"Six attacks in four days was more than I expected. I bagged three
pirates, and my 12-year-old son sank two fiberglass pirate boats with
the minigun. PIRATES 0--PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make
sure your spotter speaks Chinese" --Shiu Wong, Taipei, Taiwan

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't worry
about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship
with those weapons they use. Their poor gun skills remind me of a
drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in
Nam" ----"Chopper' Dan, Toledo, Ohio, USA.

Tog Tan

Thanks a heap Chong, I just called them and booked a place. Wooooo! My kinda trip! I am waiting for Orang Puteh aka Bob to wake up and get him to share the cabin with me. I can't wait to test out my new CQB stuff like the Swamp Toad Acid Grenade and the Pit Viper Venom Tipped arrows for my cross bow.

I want to be highest scorer on this trip.

Chong, btw, you want any Somali souvenirs, toe or finger keychain or ear bookmark? PM me and it's yours.
Ps; Can get any other souvenir parts for you too. Too shy to mention here.

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

Bob

Tog, you never told me you had a crossbow.....We're there!

Chong are you sure they're supplying 7.62's? I thought .223 was the new flavor of the month these days.

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Tog Tan

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

NotherNana

*If a fly didn't have wings would it be called a 'walk'?
*If a goose and a gander called 'Geese' why isn't a moose and his mate called 'Meese'?
*Why do scientists call it RE-search if they are looking for something new?
*How many turtles does it take to make a can of turtlewax?
*If a tree falls in the forest and no-one's around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
*If Air travel is so safe, why do they call it a 'terminal'?
*If a pig loses his voice, is it 'dis-gruntled?'
*Why do they call it 'The department of Interior' if they are in charge of the Outdoors?
*Why do they put Braille on the keypads at the drive-through ATM's?
*Will wearing short sleeves show 'The right to bear arms'?
*Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
*Why are toilet flush handles on the left side?
*If a parsley farmer is sued can he garnish his wages?
*Does a fish get cramps after eating?
*Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
*If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
*Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
*How can someone be 'dirt poor' and another 'filthy rich'?
*If it's called 'tourist season'...why can't we shoot them?
*If you choked a smurf what color would it turn?
*If a vampire can't see his reflection in the mirror, why is his hair always so neat?
*Where are the germs that cause 'good breath'?
*If Walmart is lowering it's prices daily, why isn't everything free yet?
*What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
*If you have an open mind is there a chance your brain could fall out?
*If your 'born again'...does it mean you have two belly buttons?

__________________
www.ginodiavonti.com/text/sculpture.html

chong

Subject: My last day at Home Depot

Date: Saturday, May 2, 2009




So, now am looking for another job.

buzzwinder

Oops!!!!!

__________________


Bill for my friend

NotherNana

OMG! Too funny. thank goodness it does look as though no-one got hurt!

__________________
www.ginodiavonti.com/text/sculpture.html

lorax

A man, hoping for a promotion, invites his ultra-conservative boss, Bob, over for dinner. Before the guy arrives, the man tells his rather eloquent talking parrot to on no account use any foul language while the boss is over, since Bob is easily offended. The parrot agrees.

When the boss arrives, the parrot greets him politely, and the man thinks all will go well. Unfortunately, the peace is not long-lasted....

"What a pretty bird" Bob says to the parrot; "What's your name?"
"What the F#(*$ do you think, dickhead? My name's Polly," shrieks the parrot. The boss turns white, and the man furiously apologizes, threatening the parrot with all manner of punishment unless he stops swearing.

The night progresses in the same manner, with Polly making profane comments on just about everything Bob has to say. Finally, the man can stand it no longer, and he grabs the bird, takes it into the kitchen, and stuffs it in the freezer.

The rest of the evening goes off without a hitch, Bob gives the man a promotion, and leaves happy.

The man realizes that Polly has been in the freezer for the better part of the night, and goes to retrieve him, hoping that he's not hurt.

Polly immediately starts apologizing profusely for his language. The man, startled by his normally foul-mouthed pet's change of heart, asks Polly what gives. The bird says:

"Sir, I promise I will never ever ever be foul to you or your guests ever again if you'll answer me one question. What did the chicken in there do?"

Tog Tan

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven."

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

saltydad

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

saltydad

Chong- When I managed a nursery, I had a few guys who thought they were excellent forklift drivers, but I lived in dread that this would happen in the warehouse. At least it never happened to me.LOL!

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

SteveW17

Chong/Saltydad -

the videos are hilarious thanks for sharing. How do you embed those inside your post? I have tried this, but can only manage to copy the link which just launces a new browser window.

-S.

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lorax

In your "Go Advanced" post options, you've got a little button that looks like this:

Click that, then put the address of the YouTube video you want to embed in the little pop-up box that comes up. Voila. Embedded YouTubiness.