Bob

I'll take all the help I can get!

__________________

Tog Tan

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

Bob was stalking around with a fly swatter in the kitchen. Just then his wife came in.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
Bob responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

Bob responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

buzzwinder

Another one from my 85 year old buddy Jimbo!

A Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass Wright's Pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:"Are you the Pharmacist?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes.
"Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?
"Pharmacist: "Of course we do.
"Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?
"Pharmacist: "All kinds.
"Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?
"Pharmacist: "Definitely.
"Jacob: "How about Viagra?
"Pharmacist: "Of course.
"Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?
"Pharmacist: '"Yes, a large variety. The works.
"Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"Pharmacist: "Absolutely."Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?
"Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.
"Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

__________________


Bill for my friend

Tog Tan

An old man, Mr. Bob, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Bob. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Bob. Please accept my condolences. '

The following day, Mr. Bob was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Bob!,' she said, 'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Bob.

'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.’

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

island cassie

Sorry for the delay in replying Lorax - no, I have never been to Alberta but I bet it is beautiful!

lorax

Yup. For about 6 weeks in July and August, Alberta is beautiful. But only if you have a full-body mosquito suit. Without it, it's torture.

Richard

During the Alberta centennial celebration, I spent 2 weeks in the Jasper and Banff recreation areas in the first part of June. My wife and I took many a hike in those areas. I took several solo hikes too, and my wife and daughter went horseback riding. I sprayed myself with mosquito repellent twice per day -- using the non-DET formula made from pig skin oil. I had no bites.

__________________
Back in business at plantsthatproduce.com

saltydad

Hypnotism at the Senior Center



It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.


Claude, the hypnotist, exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.


Claude, the hypnotist, said: "I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor shattering into a hundred pieces.



"****!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

saltydad

Wrong E-Mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife


Subject: I've Arrived


Date: October 16 , 2008



I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

lorax

You were in Jasper and Banff, both towns that have good winds to blow the worst of the bugs away. I defy you to do the same thing in the Joussard / Swan Hills area!

This said, nothing holds a candle to Northern Ontario when it comes to bugs that will eat you alive. I went riding with my grampa into blackfly territory and when we came back it looked like we'd been to war - covered in blood and scabs.

---

Black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario

'Twas early in the spring when I decided to go
for to work up in the woods in North Ontario
The unemployment office said they'd send me through
to the Little Abitibi with the survey crew

And the black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario

Now then Black Toby was the captain of the crew
he said, "I'm gonna tell ya boys what we're gonna do.
The wanna build a power dam, we must find a way
for to make the Little Ab flow around the other way."
So we survey'd to the east survey'd to the west
Couldn't make our mind up how to do it best
Little Ab, Little Ab, what shall I do?
I'm all but going crazy with the survey crew.

And the black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario

Now the bull cook's name was Blind River Joe
If it hadn'ta been for him we'da never pulled through
He bound our bruises and he kidded us for fun
He lathered us with bacon grease and balsam gum

And the black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario

Twas black fly black fly everywhere
Crawlin' in your whiskers and a-crawlin' in your hair
They're swimmin' in the soup, swimmin' in the tea
Oh the devil take the black fly and let me be

And the black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario

At last the job was over; Black Toby said we're through
With the Little Abitibi and the survey crew
Twas a wonderful experience and this I know
I'll never go again to North Ontario

Where the black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario

Chironex

OMG, rotflmfao!!!!! Funny stuff! The second one was also hilarious! Thanks I needed a good laugh!

__________________
Scot

Richard

Actually I was in the national parks, going into the town of Jasper twice and into the towns of Banff and Lake Louise once. But you are correct -- there is a steady breeze throughout those regions.

No thanks! Nor will you get me up to Fort MacKay unless we're taking the ice route to Chipewyan.

__________________
Back in business at plantsthatproduce.com

lorax

Not to mention Tuktoyaktuk in the spring. I still have the heebity geebities about the skeeters there.

Bob

Beth and Richard, have you evr heard that mega doses of B12 thiamine would keep the blackflies off of you? I was always told this but never had to use it since I only visit Maine and Canada when its cold (Hunting and fishing seasons).

__________________

lorax

Lies! Dirty lies! And you smell like a multivitamin while you're getting bitten. No thanks. The most effective thing I ever found was to consume massive quantities of green (raw) asparagus and apply patchouli oil liberally. You stink like a hippy, but not a single bite (except spiders, and that's because I sat on them.)

Chironex

Were you eating curds and whey, whilst sitting upon a tuffet?

__________________
Scot

lorax

Nope. Lactose intolerant and tuffetphobic.

Chironex

Quite a combo, not to mention the affect of asparagus on the odor of other bodily functions. Ewwww!

__________________
Scot

lorax

Oh, real nice, Scot. Real nice. I'm the kind of person that just attracts skeeters and other biting bugs, like moths to a candleflame. I'll put up with the smell of L-asparagine because it's effective for me. I don't put up with people who tell me I stink, though. I breathe my garlic breath all over 'em.

Tog Tan

Thread Wreck! Caught you 2 plus Bob, all acting innocent!

To keep bugs. 'quitos off you, grab a bunch of Neem, Azadiractha indica, leaves, rub/squash it all up and then rub all over yourself plus your clothes. Doesn't smell bad, just a dose of chlorophyll and them critters will keep off ya. Proven.

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.