The Hollyberry Lady

: )

saltydad

Subject: A TRIP
> TO COSTCO
> >
>
>
>
> Yesterday I was at my local
> COSTCO buying a large bag
> of Purina dog
> Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder
> Dog
> And was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked
> if I had a
> Dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
> So
> since I'm retired and have little to do, on
> impulse I told her no,
> I
> Didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet
> again.
> I
> added that I probably shouldn't, because I
> ended up in the
> hospital
> Last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
> awakened
> in an
> Intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
> orifices and
> IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was
> essentially a perfect diet and that the way
> that
> It works is to
> load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
> simply
> Eat one or
> two every time you feel hungry.
> The food is nutritionally
> complete so it works well and I was going to
> Try it
> again.
>
> (I have to mention here that practically
> everyone in line was now
> Enthralled with my
> story.)
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
> because the dog
> Food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a
> curb to sniff an
> Irish Setter's ass and a car hit both of
> us.
>
> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
> attack he was
> Laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there
> anymore.
>
> Better watch what you ask retired people. They have
> all the time in the
> World to think of crazy things to
> say.
>
> Forward this (especially) to all your retired
> friends......it will be
> Their Laugh for the
> day
>
>

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

supermario

Revelation 3:20(Don't worry guys, this joke could not possibly offend anyone)

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

BananaLee

That was funny!!! Don't worry guys 'bout me getting offended, I was cranky and tired that day 'cause I got my wisdom teeth pulled, feeling good now though!!!

Patty in Wisc

Lee, just say "my tongue got stuck in my eye teeth & couldn't see what I was saying"
That's what I say!!!

__________________
Got a lite?
Patty




____
Patty in Wisc has sadly passed away 9/05/11. We will miss you Patty.

saltydad

Subject: Power of a Wife's Love

The awesome power of a wife's love

*





*A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly


smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the

stairs.



He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and

with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the

railing with both hands.



With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the

kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself

already in heaven.



There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally

hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.



Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted

wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The

aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of

the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.



"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

supermario

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

supermario

Dirty Joke - Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b@#$% tonight, Dave."

buzzwinder

The Wisconsin Ghost

This is too good not to read, especially if you thought ghosts didn't exist! This happened about a month ago just outside of Stoughton, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began
begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel,
guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Stoughton.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar dripping wet, and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we
wuz pushin it in da rain."

__________________


Bill for my friend

saltydad

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

saltydad

Redneck Water Skiing

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

Patty in Wisc

A WINTER POEM

It's winter in Milwaukee
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Milwaukee
When the snow is up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut .

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Wisconsin
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!

__________________
Got a lite?
Patty




____
Patty in Wisc has sadly passed away 9/05/11. We will miss you Patty.

buzzwinder

Merry Christmas everyone, here are a few bad puns that you may be able to use during holiday conversations!
Subject: CREATIVE PUNS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on ahead.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

__________________


Bill for my friend

supermario

Joke is from New Years 2005. These are this person's resolutions from year to year...

RESOLUTION #1:

1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2001: I will read 5 books a year.
2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2004: I will read at least one article this year.
2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

RESOLUTION #4:

2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2003: I will not leave Marge.
2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

2002: I will stop looking at other women.
2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2005: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2005: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

2002: I will see my dentist this year.
2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

saltydad

OK, this one is sure to piss off everyone, but also bring a smile I hope. From a friend's sister in Australia.

From my sis in Australia:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Austrulia will come end rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

Patty in Wisc

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday : Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor or police, if the supervisor is the irritant, you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day!

__________________
Got a lite?
Patty




____
Patty in Wisc has sadly passed away 9/05/11. We will miss you Patty.

supermario

Relationship Joke
Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

supermario

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long,
grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful,
and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old
man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked
over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In
a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped
out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

ron_mcb

NASA's finest astronauts?

__________________
naw mek smaddi ditate fi yuh. naw wan gwan a pawty yuh naggo.

sunfish

What do you call a gorilla with a banana in both ears.


















Anything you want he can't hear you.