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Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
A couple are at the airport in Phoenix, awaiting their flight.
They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, and all ready to head home to the Canadian winter. An older American couple standing nearby are intrigued by their manner of dress. The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?" He replies, "How would I know?" She counters, "You could go and ask them." He says, "I don't really care. You want to know, you go ask them." She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me, I've noticed the way you're dressed and I wonder where you're from?" The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The woman returns to her husband who asks, "So, where are they from?" She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English." |
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Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well . . . You'll Love This One. My Name Is Alice , And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His DDS Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought. This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School 'yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride. When Did You Graduate?' I Asked. He Answered, 'in 1975. Why Do You Ask?' You Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed. He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled Faced, Fat-arsed, Gray-haired, Decrepit Son-of-a-beetch Asked, "What Did You Teach?" |
Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
Here is another one sent to me by the prolific emailer. Clever Anagrams PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER |
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 That would suck so bad its funny.. :^) |
Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
If you ever feel a little bit stupid If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas .. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark MY PERSONAL FAVORITE! ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." --Al Gore, Vice President ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix " -- Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to? your brilliant friends. I just did !! |
Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
SAD SAD NEWS |
Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 Can you say not real.. I think this is super fake or just the camera angle.. Whatcha think..? :^) |
Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
I think it is for real. Look at the fellow's hand at the banana. It ties the size of the banana
to the face behind it. It is a monster alright. What it tastes like is not stated, however. :) |
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Sunburn Treatment
A man passed out on the beach in Naples, Florida for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?' The Doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.' |
Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
Honesty Yup, some people can’t handle the truth! My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where the f__k I am now... |
Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
Bill and George are friends pushing forty.
Bill has a wife and two kids, George is single. Inevitably they had the following discussion: Bill: “how come you are not yet married?” George: “Never met the right girl” Bill: “What exactly are you looking for?” George: “Well, she has to be a looker. Looks are important to me and she should be sexy. Then I’d like her to be frugal, a good cook, keep the house neat and have some money.” Bill: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry you!” George: “Well it is okay, if she is crazy.” |
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