Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Here is another one from my buddy who has an urge to share stuff no matter what................................

HOLY HUMOR
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and Bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5yr-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious 6yr-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny's family was having Sunday dinner at his Grandma's house. Everyone was seated at the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Yes, you do" mom insisted "We always say prayer before eating at our house"
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to come over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out on the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax, let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

TRAVEL PLANS......Inconclusive travel plans for all of 2014


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting a little older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the heart!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

I have been in Deep**** many times; it's easy for me to get there.
:08:

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Would You marry Again? - Priceless

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: (silence)

HUSBAND:
"Oh, ****.”

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Craig's List: Free to good home.

My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell! So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!!

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

I recently had my Hoe broken, so I had to get a new one and make sure it got dirty.. Guess who broke the Hoe? lol :^)

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

How they came up w/ Jeep.. Someone was looking @ his beer bottle upside down.. :^)

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

I thought Beerfarts was funny.. but our Newest Member.. has me Rollin'.. suckmybannana Thanks for the laugh.. lol :^)

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

It's all about time!

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in..

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all ; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

I bet if this is running no one can complain if you leave your dog inside.. :^)

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Thanks for the giggle! Not that I have ever been in a Bass Pro Shop much less used a MC for years and have certainly never passed gas at an inappropriate moment but I can imagine all of that happening to some other poor doddering old lady and so I smiled.

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

California History