What Cracked up you up Today?
 

I went the the Base Page and saw "BeerFarts".. enough said.. :^)

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Ad or new member? I missed it. Darn.

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a newer Member.. :^)

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I have been very, very good. I started plants; I'm finding homes for spares. Grudgingly--they're my babies! Several years without dirt or many possessions has helped me with my collecting addictions but I know I'll never be totally cured. It did help that I planted old seeds. I only purchased marigolds, Swiss chard and cucumbers but refrained from planting entire packages. It wasn't self restraint; I didn't have enough cells or space and was ordered to not make "messy" newspaper pots. It doesn't help that I have 2 long time gardeners "champing at the bit" to share treasures with me. Help!

ETA: I went to look at a little house today. Holy cow! There were 4 trees right beside it; 1 was growing through the front roof overhang and another was into the siding. It was apparent that someone had gardened there--pots of all sizes strewn about in the backyard. Tempted as I was to collect the bounty, I settled for a twig from a very old and sad looking fig. (I'd have clipped more but they were really tough.) I figure 4 starts from that one.

Yeah, I'm sick!

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I need some of these to hangout w/ my hanging monkey.. :^)

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Around my pond today, heard a frog croaking nonstop almost! Looked all around because I knew it had to be right in front of me... And it was... This thing must have had a death wish, broad daylight.


I took a lot of up-close photos, it was not even a little scared of me.
We had multiple small showers today and it stayed comfortably warm.

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I read and listened to a Facebook post where a guy had a piano in his yard and he was playing it. The female elephant danced. The male elephant and the guy played the piano and the elephant occasionally bleated. Once they were done, the male elephant high-fived his human friend.

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I need some of these.. :^)

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Growing up in the DC area, I had to learn how to parallel park properly (PDQ) or face a ticket if I wasn't perfectly spaced from the curb.

Stop me if I've told this here...okay, you can't...sorry.

On May 8th, the exact day I could go test for my DL after turning 16 because I had to have a learner's permit for 15 days which I couldn't get in person but only by mail and couldn't apply for until my 16th BD on 4/13...thus the lapse.

This was not some flat parking lot test but on the road and actually on hills in Kensington, MD. I had the choice of 2 family cars for my test: the Ford station wagon or the little Valiant. The Ford was huge but automatic; the Valiant was 3 on the tree I'd driven 3 times briefly with my father and I had stalled on hills with him, which, in those days was an automatic fail.

I chose the Ford.

I, using my hopefully about to be dead learner's, drove my mother to the test site. Written test? Scored 96%. Next step? Parallel parking at the police station. In a boat. Yikes!

The cop administering my test walked me to the cruise ship, got in, wrote a few things down, told me to start the engine, directed me to pull up to where the 2 cones of potential failure were located and then said. "Lunch" as he opened the passenger door and got out.

I spent 10 minutes maneuvering the mother ship into perfect position then went down the street with Mom to try "lunch". She had a sandwich; I bit my nails.

Came back early. My test administrator opened the door, asked me to turn on the engine and commanded me to park. One turn of the wheel while gently backing up (watching all mirrors) and I was done. He opened the door, looked down and said "Let's go!"

The hills were a piece of cake; I didn't stall once. I had Mom drive home; I was too antsy.

I can park a manual like a champ these days and only stall on hills if the clutch is slipping or it's new ride for me. I like little cars.

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That was pretty good.. Elephant was getting its groove on.. :^)

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I know, what she is up against
 

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The middle part of my log bridge collapsed when I was walking over it.
Har-di har...
.

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If I saw this in the store I'd be rollin' on the floor dyeing.. :^)

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Here is another one from my buddy who has an urge to share stuff no matter what................................

HOLY HUMOR
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and Bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5yr-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious 6yr-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny's family was having Sunday dinner at his Grandma's house. Everyone was seated at the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Yes, you do" mom insisted "We always say prayer before eating at our house"
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

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A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to come over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out on the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax, let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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TRAVEL PLANS......Inconclusive travel plans for all of 2014


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting a little older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the heart!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

I have been in Deep**** many times; it's easy for me to get there.
:08:

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Would You marry Again? - Priceless

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: (silence)

HUSBAND:
"Oh, ****.”

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Craig's List: Free to good home.

My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell! So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!!

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I recently had my Hoe broken, so I had to get a new one and make sure it got dirty.. Guess who broke the Hoe? lol :^)

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How they came up w/ Jeep.. Someone was looking @ his beer bottle upside down.. :^)

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I thought Beerfarts was funny.. but our Newest Member.. has me Rollin'.. suckmybannana Thanks for the laugh.. lol :^)

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It's all about time!

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in..

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all ; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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I bet if this is running no one can complain if you leave your dog inside.. :^)

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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

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Thanks for the giggle! Not that I have ever been in a Bass Pro Shop much less used a MC for years and have certainly never passed gas at an inappropriate moment but I can imagine all of that happening to some other poor doddering old lady and so I smiled.

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California History

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I have 3 hoes working for me now! Today I was introduced to a new hoe at a yard sale, wasn't too dirty so I brought home with me. $1 hoe can't beat that deal unless it was free! I've broke one in the past so I'm always lookin' for a back-up.



Also got my dawg a new pimp collar fo a dolla!

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I laughed until I cried at Mr. Cocoa's utter astonishment that I'm now caught 3 (1 last night he pulled in and 2 tonight that I did solo) catfish using frozen KFC fried chicken--original recipe. "Don't tell me you're fishing with fried chicken! Cooked chicken?"

"I told you I was last night."

"Well, don't do it again."

"Um, okay."

What a shame! They seem to like it very much and I get to catch rather than just fish. (He does remove those prickly, slimy, whiskered creatures from the hook for me--perhaps that's why KFC is now verboten? :ha:)

I was hoping for some mullets to use as bait but he's had no success casting blind or otherwise these 2 nights and I wanted to fish so I improvised. I tried to buy chicken necks for my little basket crab trap but could only find pricey gizzards; no crabs yet but catfish also like those. Sadly my stash has migrated into the tundra just now hence the substitution of freezer burned wings and things.

Oh, and I caught a small conk in my net which I took back to the river. Next time red fish, shrimp and crabs--I wish.

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