momoese

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?




















Because they are so wrapped up in themselves.

saltydad

You Might Be a Nurse if?


~ You avoid unhealthy looking people in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

~ It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.

~ You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

~ You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

~ You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.

~ You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

~ You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

~ You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.

~ You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

buzzwinder

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass
> by the beer
> cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a
> nice cool beer or two taste
> wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
>
> The second nun answered " indeed it would Sister, but
> I wouldn't feel
> comfortable buying beer as it would cause a scene at the
> check-out counter."
>
> " I can handle that without a problem" she
> replied as she picked up a
> six-pack and headed for the check-out counter.
>
> The cashier had a surprise look on his face when the two
> nuns arrived with a
> six-pack of beer.
>
> " We use beer for washing our hair the nun
> said, A shampoo, of sorts, if
> you will "
>
> Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
> counter, pulled out a
> package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with
> the beer.
>
> He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and
> said,
>
> " The curlers are on the house "

__________________


Bill for my friend

Patty in Wisc

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from California . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from New York . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Wisconsin . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

__________________
Got a lite?
Patty




____
Patty in Wisc has sadly passed away 9/05/11. We will miss you Patty.

buzzwinder

Manure...A True Story

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.


Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.


After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

__________________


Bill for my friend

sunfish

Did you mean mummies?

browndrake

I tried to post a link to snopes but the filter keeps stripping out part of it.
The origins of s.h.i.t actually is much older. It is a derivative of older English words. German, Swedish and other languages have similar words with similar origins.

The above story has been circulating the internet for a few years now. It is a neat story though...even though it is not true.

aaron

__________________

Patty in Wisc

Tony, I think he meant 'mummies' too but he was smoking that dried nana flower
Browndrake, no one really knows where the word 'sh*t' came from but I like the story. After all, this is the "Dumb Jokes" forum LOL.
BTW, did you know that the guy who invented the toilet is Thomas Crapper? (well I think it is Thomas) Hence, the toilet became the "crapper"! Crap is sh*t ---- oooh, maybe I stumbled on something!

__________________
Got a lite?
Patty




____
Patty in Wisc has sadly passed away 9/05/11. We will miss you Patty.

momoese

Uhh, yeah that what I meant.

buzzwinder

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: ' California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-Tec communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Rockford Register Star, a local newspaper in Rockford , IL reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near New Milford , IL , Bubba Schultz, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Illinois had already gone wireless.

Just makes me proud to be from Illinois!

__________________


Bill for my friend

buzzwinder

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?


25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27.Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?


28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?


29. Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ?

__________________


Bill for my friend

supermario

The hippie and the nun

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

supermario

Blonde joke

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.

He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”

The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”

The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.’”

D_&_T

Hey Howard some o f those nurse jokes work well in back of an ambulance real well too!!

The medic i work with would love Valium spray bottle to help out so EMTs, so they don't upset
Patients after he's calmed them down!!!!

__________________

bencelest

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch inLouisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.

__________________
Banana Nut

momoese

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

buzzwinder

Super Groaner



A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truc k runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.




The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

__________________


Bill for my friend

bencelest

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"


She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

__________________
Banana Nut

island cassie

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu..

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32..62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

saltydad

Highlights from British TV and radio quiz shows:

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues -- what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct -- and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBCMIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners, Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er...
Leslie: He makes bread...
Contestant: Er...
Leslie: He makes cakes...
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...?
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/