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Abnshrek 06-25-2014 08:30 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Instead of looking Happy this guy looks like he crapped his pants or something.. :^)


bananimal 06-25-2014 08:43 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Story of the Outhouse


There was a little boy who lived in the country.

The family still used an outhouse and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in
the summer, freezing cold in the winter and smelled all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that
one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today
was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.
He found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

The boy knew that meant a spanking ... so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school
today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
because he told the truth ..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the
cherry tree!"

Olafhenny 06-25-2014 09:41 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Good one! :ha:











bananimal 06-26-2014 03:41 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 


This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he
has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been
drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning
to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles
of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt there
after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him
and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has
just been arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: No, but do you know that
this is a British car and my wife is the driver... on the other side???

pmurphy 06-26-2014 04:09 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
On the same note,

Designated Decoy

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar and trip on the curb. Then he proceeded to fumble for his keys before trying to unlock a car, but the key would not work so he tried on the next car. The office watched as he did this on five different cars before he found his. The man then sat in the front seat and fumbled around with his keys for several minutes. The officer then watched as the man proceeded to roll down the driver's window, and roll it back up. He did this several times while the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to slowly pull away. By now the police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The office was astonished to see the results showing a reading of 0.0 so he re-administered the test with the same results. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be so the driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
:bananas_b

bananimal 06-27-2014 10:35 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Beetches 'till the End!


The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those beetches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your arss is disconnected.

bananimal 06-29-2014 12:19 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Ahhhhh the wisdom of the ages.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews
and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a effing wall"

bananimal 06-29-2014 08:04 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Why Teachers Drink...

The following questions were in last year's GED examination. (These are genuine answers)


*Q. What is a turbine?*
*A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.*


*Q. How is dew formed.*
*A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.*


*Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on*
*A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.*


*Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?*
*A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.*


*Q. What are steroids?*
*A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .*
*(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)*


*Q. What happens to your body as you age*
*A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.*


*Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?*
*A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.*


*Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.*
*A.. Premature death.*


*Q. What is artificial insemination?*
*A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.*


*Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?*
*A.. Keep it in the cow.*
*(Simple, but brilliant)*


*Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?*
*A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U
(WTF!)


*Q. What is the fibula?*
*A.. A small lie.*


*Q. What does 'varicose' mean?*
*A.. Nearby.*


*Q. What is the most common form of birth control?*
*A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.*
*(That would work)*


*Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'*
*A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.*


*Q. What is a seizure?*
*A.. A Roman Emperor.?*
*(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)*



*Q. What is a terminal illness?*
*A. When you are sick at the airport.*
*(Irrefutable)*



*Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?*
*A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight*
*(brilliant)*


*Q. Name the four seasons*
*A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar*

bananimal 06-30-2014 08:24 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Plumber of the year finalists!

These pics are a hoot!

Dump A Day Funny Plumbers Of The Year Finalists - 31 Pics

Kat2 07-01-2014 12:54 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
For all the ladies who drive alone

I had a flat tire on the 1- 40 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so lifelike! You wouldn't believe it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat.

He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck the naked cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know!

So I told him ....

"Well", I explained to the angry policeman ....

"They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!"

I go to court in August.

(Damn Police. No sense of humor.)

Olafhenny 07-02-2014 02:33 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
A couple are at the airport in Phoenix, awaiting their flight.

They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, and all ready to head home
to the Canadian winter.

An older American couple standing nearby are intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?"

He replies, "How would I know?"

She counters, "You could go and ask them."

He says, "I don't really care. You want to know, you go ask them."

She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me, I've
noticed the way you're dressed and I wonder where you're from?"

The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The woman returns to her husband who asks, "So, where are they from?"

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English."






Abnshrek 07-03-2014 01:06 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

bananimal 07-07-2014 09:27 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At
Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old.
Well . . . You'll Love This One.
My Name Is Alice
, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A
New Dentist.

I Noticed His DDS Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name.
Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same
Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old
To Have Been My Classmate.

After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School
'yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.

When Did You Graduate?' I Asked.

He Answered, 'in 1975. Why Do You Ask?'

You Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely.

Then, That Ugly,

Old,

Bald,

Wrinkled Faced,

Fat-arsed,

Gray-haired,

Decrepit

Son-of-a-beetch

Asked,

"What Did You Teach?"

bananimal 07-08-2014 08:29 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Here is another one sent to me by the prolific emailer.

Clever Anagrams

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


Kat2 07-09-2014 07:52 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by bananimal (Post 248470)
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


Had one of those; she didn't die in a bunker but got her "perfect" child back. Karma is sweet!

Abnshrek 07-10-2014 10:10 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 


That would suck so bad its funny.. :^)

bananimal 07-10-2014 11:00 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
If you ever feel a little bit stupid

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to?
your brilliant friends.

I just did !!

bananimal 07-13-2014 08:58 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
SAD SAD NEWS


Abnshrek 07-14-2014 12:40 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 


Can you say not real.. I think this is super fake or just the camera angle.. Whatcha think..? :^)

Olafhenny 07-14-2014 03:56 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
I think it is for real. Look at the fellow's hand at the banana. It ties the size of the banana
to the face behind it. It is a monster alright. What it tastes like is not stated, however. :)








jbyrd88888 07-14-2014 04:47 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Olafhenny (Post 248846)
I think it is for real. Look at the fellow's hand at the banana. It ties the size of the banana
to the face behind it. It is a monster alright. What it tastes like is not stated, however. :)

Yeah it might probably be real but, that guy in the picture is only 3'6" tall :ha: It would look like a jalapeno in Shaquille O'Neal's hand.

Abnshrek 07-14-2014 05:34 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jbyrd88888 (Post 248850)
Yeah it might probably be real but, that guy in the picture is only 3'6" tall :ha: It would look like a jalapeno in Shaquille O'Neal's hand.

So your saying they used a pygmy? :^)

Abnshrek 07-18-2014 07:39 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Snookie 07-18-2014 07:51 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
[IMG]
adult image sharing[/IMG]

bananimal 07-25-2014 08:11 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Sunburn Treatment

A man passed out on the beach in Naples, Florida for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The Doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'


bananimal 07-27-2014 08:02 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Honesty


Yup, some people can’t handle the truth!

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the f__k I am now...

Olafhenny 07-27-2014 03:12 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Bill and George are friends pushing forty.

Bill has a wife and two kids, George is single. Inevitably they had the following
discussion:

Bill: “how come you are not yet married?”

George: “Never met the right girl”

Bill: “What exactly are you looking for?”

George: “Well, she has to be a looker. Looks are important to me and she should
be sexy. Then I’d like her to be frugal, a good cook, keep the house neat and
have some money.”

Bill: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry you!”

George: “Well it is okay, if she is crazy.”






Abnshrek 07-29-2014 09:00 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Abnshrek 07-29-2014 09:38 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Abnshrek 07-29-2014 08:24 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Olafhenny 07-30-2014 06:30 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
This may not be the funniest thing in this thread, but amusing nevertheless and it really
happened to me a couple of days ago on the parking lot of a local supermarket:

A fellow pointed his remote at his SUV closing and opening the back door, while looking
at me saying: “See, I do not need to use any muscles”
I: “Using muscles keeps you in shape."
He while we were walking side by side to the store: “I am in shape, I go to the gym. My
doctor says I am overweight, but I am in good shape, am I not?”
I: “Of course you are”

And here I have been priding myself of always telling the truth. ;)









Olafhenny 08-02-2014 04:45 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Jewish Rye

Two old geezers, one eighty, the other 87, are chatting.
The 80 year old to the other: “How come, that you are still so full of energy?”
“I eat Jewish rye bread, it keeps me spry”

So the younger heads to the bakery: “Do you have any Jewish rye bread?”
The sales lady: “A whole shelf full”
“I’ll take 5”
“But by the time you get to the fifth loaf, it will be hard”

He, a bit annoyed: “How come everybody knows about that and I don’t!?”







bananimal 08-04-2014 07:43 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
When it's not your time...................

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152013286522499

Abnshrek 08-06-2014 08:40 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
This is pretty funny.. If you listen to it its going to get stuck in your head.. :^)


Olafhenny 08-07-2014 11:37 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Okay, it is just another youtube, but this one had me rolling with laughter.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/fPXkUXXFoCw












pmurphy 08-08-2014 08:47 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Got this in an email the other day and some days I can really relate to it :)

----------------------------------

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry

Abnshrek 08-09-2014 10:23 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Abnshrek 08-10-2014 05:52 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Abnshrek 08-16-2014 08:11 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Abnshrek 08-22-2014 08:46 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

crazy banana 08-25-2014 12:48 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
[IMG][/IMG]

I wonder how Ken looks like.....

bananimal 09-15-2014 07:45 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Speed and the Elderly...


An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars ! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be
And suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
And passes the Moped at 275 mph
And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out,
And there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows
Into the back of his Ferrari,
Demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

Olafhenny 09-15-2014 12:33 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Thanks, Dan, I loved that :ha:

Olaf









Abnshrek 09-15-2014 05:26 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Abnshrek 09-16-2014 12:10 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Banana Slicer Reviews Too Funny... :^)

Abnshrek 09-18-2014 01:22 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Olafhenny 09-22-2014 09:58 AM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Vegetable regatta at Ludwigsburg Palace in Germany

At least 250 kg (550 lb) must the pumpkin weigh to be useful as vegetable kayak.
The challenge is to cross 70 meters to the finish line in it and to stay as dry as possible
doing it.


Ludwigsburg: Kürbis-Boot Regatta auf dem Schloss-See - SPIEGEL ONLINE









Abnshrek 09-22-2014 01:46 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 

Abnshrek 09-22-2014 06:05 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 


I'd really like to know what kind of plant this is.. lol :^)

Kat2 09-22-2014 06:49 PM

Re: What Cracked up you up Today?
 
Is that Photoshop I smell?


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