What Cracked up you up Today? - Page 7

sunfish · 03-20-2015, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kat2

I read the jokes and your comments; was there something I missed? I'm not in a really happy mood these days; I was the victim of domestic violence in August and, as a result, am partially disabled. The person who did this to me was prosecuted but not punished; as a friend, I had lent him money that I cannot recover.

Despite my situation I am trying very hard to not lash out at others even those of the XY persuasion.

That's your problem not mine

Kat2 · 03-20-2015, 07:22 PM

Yes, that's my problem. I'm still wondering about yours.

Olafhenny · 04-01-2015, 12:44 PM

German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering
about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old
German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over
him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can
put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my
back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
old German Shepherd says...

This made me smile!

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Kat2 · 04-01-2015, 08:59 PM

I was thinking of my later father today. Born and raised in New England, he had 2 standard jokes. One was long and involved scientists on an exploratory expedition cooking, coffee and mud but the other was really short and sweet. 2 men floating down the river on a block of marble they took for granted.

Richard · 04-01-2015, 10:23 PM

Ted Cruz comparing himself to Galileo.

Olafhenny · 08-07-2015, 01:50 PM

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them.
The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still
hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo ,............ just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am
automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year
--that these windows would pay for themselves in a year----.

Hellooooo ? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never
called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Worm_Farmer · 08-13-2015, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olafhenny

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them.
The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still
hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo ,............ just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am
automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year
--that these windows would pay for themselves in a year----.

Hellooooo ? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never
called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

WOW!! I am going to try that.

Olafhenny · 10-12-2015, 09:59 PM

The great German philosopher and poet Johann W. v. Goethe once said:
"Why lie, if there are so many ways to tell the truth?". Here is a prime example:

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Winnipeg, Manitoba when he sees a little girl
leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the
nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker
brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter had watched
he entire event.

The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing
I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I
just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist,
you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me,
what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.' The journalist
leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed,
brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

Olafhenny · 10-12-2015, 10:14 PM

And another one, this one also a bit more philosophical than funny:

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically
hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high
official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with
you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and
then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil,
who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and
telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it,
it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the
elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting
for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from
cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to
hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste
and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the
trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The
devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.....

Today you voted..."

03-20-2015, 07:22 PM	#122 (permalink)
Kat2 Location: Now nesting in Titusville, FL Zone: 10A or 9B ish. Like it matters? Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 2,153 BananaBucks : 308,965 Feedback: 0 / 0% Said "Thanks" 2,921 Times Was Thanked 2,669 Times in 1,322 Posts Said "Welcome to Bananas" 595 Times	Re: What Cracked up you up Today? Yes, that's my problem. I'm still wondering about yours. __________________

04-01-2015, 12:44 PM	#123 (permalink)
Olafhenny Olafhenny's Photo Gallery Location: Penticton, BC, Okanagan Valley, Canada Find me on the map! Zone: Hardiness Zone 6 Name: Olaf Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 1,705 BananaBucks : 297,528 Feedback: 0 / 0% Said "Thanks" 2,050 Times Was Thanked 2,012 Times in 876 Posts Said "Welcome to Bananas" 77 Times	Re: What Cracked up you up Today? German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep ** now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... This made me smile! "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull** and brilliance only come with age and experience. __________________ The reason I joined this forum was to share experiences, my own and those of others and to learn from them.

04-01-2015, 08:59 PM	#124 (permalink)
Kat2 Location: Now nesting in Titusville, FL Zone: 10A or 9B ish. Like it matters? Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 2,153 BananaBucks : 308,965 Feedback: 0 / 0% Said "Thanks" 2,921 Times Was Thanked 2,669 Times in 1,322 Posts Said "Welcome to Bananas" 595 Times	Re: What Cracked up you up Today? I was thinking of my later father today. Born and raised in New England, he had 2 standard jokes. One was long and involved scientists on an exploratory expedition cooking, coffee and mud but the other was really short and sweet. 2 men floating down the river on a block of marble they took for granted. __________________

04-01-2015, 10:23 PM	#125 (permalink)
Richard un-Retired Richard's Photo Gallery Location: Vista, CA Find me on the map! Zone: USDA 10b Name: Richard Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 9,674 BananaBucks : 994,995 Feedback: 9 / 100% Said "Thanks" 3,636 Times Was Thanked 12,537 Times in 4,719 Posts Said "Welcome to Bananas" 1,685 Times	Re: What Cracked up you up Today? Ted Cruz comparing himself to Galileo. __________________ Back in business at plantsthatproduce.com

08-07-2015, 01:50 PM	#126 (permalink)
Olafhenny Olafhenny's Photo Gallery Location: Penticton, BC, Okanagan Valley, Canada Find me on the map! Zone: Hardiness Zone 6 Name: Olaf Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 1,705 BananaBucks : 297,528 Feedback: 0 / 0% Said "Thanks" 2,050 Times Was Thanked 2,012 Times in 876 Posts Said "Welcome to Bananas" 77 Times	Re: What Cracked up you up Today? Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo ,............ just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year --that these windows would pay for themselves in a year----. Hellooooo ? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. __________________ The reason I joined this forum was to share experiences, my own and those of others and to learn from them.

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10-12-2015, 09:59 PM	#128 (permalink)
Olafhenny Olafhenny's Photo Gallery Location: Penticton, BC, Okanagan Valley, Canada Find me on the map! Zone: Hardiness Zone 6 Name: Olaf Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 1,705 BananaBucks : 297,528 Feedback: 0 / 0% Said "Thanks" 2,050 Times Was Thanked 2,012 Times in 876 Posts Said "Welcome to Bananas" 77 Times	Re: What Cracked up you up Today? The great German philosopher and poet Johann W. v. Goethe once said: "Why lie, if there are so many ways to tell the truth?". Here is a prime example: A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Winnipeg, Manitoba when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter had watched he entire event. The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?' The biker replies, 'I'm a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.' The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH! And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days. __________________ The reason I joined this forum was to share experiences, my own and those of others and to learn from them.

10-12-2015, 10:14 PM	#129 (permalink)
Olafhenny Olafhenny's Photo Gallery Location: Penticton, BC, Okanagan Valley, Canada Find me on the map! Zone: Hardiness Zone 6 Name: Olaf Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 1,705 BananaBucks : 297,528 Feedback: 0 / 0% Said "Thanks" 2,050 Times Was Thanked 2,012 Times in 876 Posts Said "Welcome to Bananas" 77 Times	Re: What Cracked up you up Today? And another one, this one also a bit more philosophical than funny: While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises.... The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell. When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning..... Today you voted..." __________________ The reason I joined this forum was to share experiences, my own and those of others and to learn from them.

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