The Hollyberry Lady

The serial bully appears to lack insight into his or her behaviour and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof; however, it is more likely that the bully knows what they are doing but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound. If the bully knows what they are doing, they are responsible for their behaviour and thus liable for its consequences to other people. If the bully doesn't know what they are doing, they should be suspended from duty on the grounds of diminished responsibility and the provisions of the Mental Health Act should apply.


It's estimated that one person in thirty, male or female, is a serial bully. Who does the following profile describe in your life?



The serial bully:


•is a convincing, practised liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
•has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the serial bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act
•excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive
•uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)
•is glib, shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words and lots of form - but there's no substance
•is possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will outmanoeuvre most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict
•is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic
•relies on mimicry, repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he or she is both a "normal" human being and a tough dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon
•is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly
•cannot be trusted or relied upon
•fails to fulfil commitments
•is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old
•is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy
•exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behaviour and bodily functions; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse
•in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy
•holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc - prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret
•is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability
•has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion
•is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence - but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually unknowledgeably) about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity
•displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence
•shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn't flow and arguments that don't hold water
•flits from topic to topic so that you come away feeling you've never had a proper conversation
•refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer
•is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability
•undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask
•is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them
•is quick to discredit and neutralise anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors
•may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others' resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organisations in pursuance of the vendetta
•is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account
•gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to
•is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)
•poisons peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions
•when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
•is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all
•often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narsissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
•is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation
•is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty
•is mean, stingy, and financially untrustworthy
•is greedy, selfish, a parasite and an emotional vampire
•is always a taker and never a giver
•is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)
•often fraudulently claims qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or bogus
•often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
•knows the words but not the song
•is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication
•sometimes displays a seemingly limitless demonic energy especially when engaged in attention-seeking activities or evasion of accountability and is often a committeeaholic or apparent workaholic



More information soon...


: )

orinoko

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Yug

Hell, I just got halfway through, and it suddenly dawned on me that this fits obama perfectly, at leat up to the halfway point. I'll go back an read the rest now.

OK, the sexual stuff I would have no idea about, but the rest fits to a "T".

(why is it in 'bold' text? Seems almost like using all caps)

CTPalm

Recently had to unfriend someone on facebook like this, didn't even want to hear her crap anymore!!!!!! Oh yeah an Obama lover. This list described her perfectly. So glad you can unfriend wacko bullies on facebook!!!!!

And block them!

Yug

Too bad we can't unfriend bobo (obama) just to make him go away.

Richard

I think we are all plant-growing maniacs, and most of us have the banana-growing addiction.



I'm not an Obama lover, a Tree hugger, a Bush fan, a chemical Farmer, a Romney recruit, an irrational Organic, or a Newt tooter. Occasionally I read an opinion I don't agree with. I'm not going to block anyone because they have a different opinion -- heck, I might learn from them.

I think what we're talking about here are people with persistent, baseless, emotion-driven opinions interlaced with name-calling and personal attacks. Generally if you don't respond they go away. In some cases you might have to add them to your "ignore" list but that's pretty extreme. Sooner or later people stop responding to them and they go elsewhere to get attention.

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Jack Daw

You mean the Nobel Piece Prize winner?

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Richard

Here in the U.S. this remark is commonly interpreted as a racial slur.

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Yug

Well, I am in the U.S. and am part of a multi-racial family so I think I'm pretty much insulated from any racist accusations. Some people talke about multiculturalism, some of us live it - every day.

I don't dispise his race(s), just what he has done to us.

Richard

I don't care for his support of the "status quo" in Palestine, nor putting problems with the civil service system on the back burner. I think we all are ready for the Gingrich-era bipartisanship to go away -- clearly it is a movement that Gingrich started single-handedly. I hope we are not stuck with it for another generation.

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The Hollyberry Lady

Back to the topic I intended this thread for...


"Forums are scary places. I know they are a way that people can communicate based on common interests, but for newbies, they can be dangerous places. On a recent attempt to post details about an event we were holding, I had the sensation that I was an uninvited guest to a buzzing party. The reactions I got to my post were immediate and threatening, as if the long standing posters on the forum were marking their territory, peeing all around it, showing me their fangs from the sidelines, and telling me to back off.

It's funny how people behave as though they are in a different world online - a world where manners don't need to be upheld because people are anonymous. Without the addition of facial expression or tone of voice, so much can be hurtful and misunderstood. Why does this "freedom" to write and say whatever you want to say appear so different from communication in real life encounters? I have never felt such complete and utter disregard for the effort we are making, or the work we are putting in at face to face contact - only online have I felt such aggressive, negative language, so quick to put down, to judge.

There's a different set of rules for forum playgrounds, and the bullies are evident, some stacking up a whopping 6 months, 12 hours a day worth of posts (I calculated) - an embarrassing amount of their lives on these places - dishing out criticism as though their opinions represent those of the masses, their fear at a newcomer evident in their immediate derisive language.

With so many forums popping up all over the place, with little or no moderation evident, is it time to look at the ways we communicate, and why we feel that it's acceptable to spend so much of our lives speaking to one another in such an anti social manner? Or do we simply need to weed out the bullies on these forums and remind them that newcomers, like newcomers to a party, should not be immediately judged, stared at and whispered about, deemed different and an outsider, but welcomed, and introduced to everyone, with an open mind and a smile of recognition at how hard it can be to walk into a room full of strangers, online or in real life".






"Bullying is when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Sometimes it involves direct attacks such as hitting, name calling, teasing or taunting. Sometimes it is indirect, such as spreading rumors or trying to make others reject someone. Forum bullying or cyber bullying has become a widespread issue throughout the Internet. As a former moderator I've encountered it it's various guises many times. As one of the powers that be, it was difficult enough dealing with the usual spammers and trolls, but that was nothing compared to having to deal with already established members with high post counts and years of knowing each other in that forum.


The term 'regulars' has gained notoriety over the years on all kinds of forums. That's where the bullies are easier to spot. To an outsider or a lurker, it can be a bit intimidating submitting a post as a newbie. Not knowing all the ins and outs and who knows who, it can be a bit daunting. The TOS (terms of service) or forum rules usually only serve to favour the regulars and bullies if there is some flaming going on in a particular thread.


To give an example, I posted a complaint on the my3cents consumer site last April regarding issues that I had with my bank, Chase. After lurking on some of the forums on this site I knew which regulars gave out sound advice and which ones were there just to flame new posters. So in response to my post I got four comments, three of these were sanctimonious and opinionated. I posted back somewhat sarcastically with "Thanks for the pontificating, dogmatic, sage, etc. advice!" which resulted in 'full mod status' being put on my user account. This basically meant from then on my posts had to be reviewed by a panel of administrators before being published.


Anyway, being crippled by the powers that be, I could no longer fight back and watched as regulars were only civil to each and downright nasty to newbies. The unwritten rules were that the newcomers had to endure these nasty comments without reprisal. The bullies knew how to get around the censorship and avoided talking with you, or PMing you if you hadn't been 'broken in yet'. I also became aware a certain amount of favouritism displayed by administrators from the start. In any particular heated debate with a regular and a newbie, they would side with the regular and I noticed that they even let these people use various nicknames that surely must breach the guidelines. I can't publish these here for obvious reasons.


Well, I can deal with bullies on forums, trolls and the like a lot easier if I didn't have to worry about the forum administrators protecting them! That's the real issue here. I get tired of myself and others being dismissed as oversensitive or censored when we fight back against these bullies. So much for free speech!"


: )

saltydad

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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
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Yug

In a nutshell - if you don't mind your manners face-to-face, you may have to suffer the consequences. (like a slap upside the head, or worse) Many people do the same thing while driving.

turtile

At least it has shown a real life example of trolling!

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Richard

Unfortunately, minding our manners is not enough for some people. It seems they cannot separate their beliefs from their personal self-worth. So, if we question or contradict something they have said, the person feels insulted. Some of these individuals take it even farther and strike back emotionally with name calling, pointed sarcasm, etc. If you try to appeal rationally to them, even more hostility ensues. It is just as immature as the "internet bully" topic of this thread. Anyone who has raised children through the teenage stage to adults will immediately recognize the behavior. Sadly, a few teens never grow out of it.

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Yug

As The Hollyberry Lady pointed out, in some forums the supposed 'moderator' does not moderate, but actually facilitates some of the bullies. That is a d@mn shame. In such cases there is nothing you can do other than bringing the problem to the attention of the site owner, and if they don't address it, there is little recourse besides tolerating it or leaving. If you consider leaving, though, you might wish to go out with a total FLAME-OUT posting to tell the 'smug self-righteous self-appointed gate-keepers' what you think of them as they are aided/abetted by the 'un-moderators'. I mean, if you are going to leave, what do you have to lose? You may then come back as a newby with a different handle, and express agreement with or sympathy for the opinion of your FLAME-OUT persona. That may get you banned, or it may get others on the site to re-think the positions of the bullies, and may get some heat focused on them since they are driving out some of the 'new-blood' with new opinions necessary to prevent a site from stagnating. Of course, if the person at the top is intelligent, they will also see this as a bad thing and step in to correct it, or if they don't give a rip, you may not want to be on the site anyway since it is obviously not being managed properly.

Richard

So you're in favor of flaming innocent by-standers?

Are you saying that the behavior you object to occurs on this site?

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laserlight

This site is very friendly but its not easy to find friendly music or skateboard or video game sites. they can be really wiked till you start making some friends then they get friendly but not for a long time. they dont trust noobs.

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Yug

Nope, not in favor of that, just the persons I mentioned, the "smug self-righteous self-appointed gate-keepers". Or are these considered innocent by-standers? And, I'm not aware of it on this site. Not sure where you are coming from with that. You are reading more into the comments I made than is intended. I've seen it on other sites, and thus far am not aware on such action on this site.

Richard

Ok, just questioning because I wasn't sure if the context of this thread was referring to this site or not. In the latter case, why then have this thread at all?

But other people will read the flames and there is no reason to add ugliness to their day. Its kind of like picking up something at a poorly run store and having to listen to someone throw a temper tantrum at the manager. If you can't get your point across in a civil manner, then why bother?

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