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08-07-2009, 02:29 AM | #281 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Fw: $10 a Pill
> >Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa > >found > > >a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using > >one > >of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; >they're > > >very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a > >pill,"Answered the son. > >"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we > > >leave in the morning, > >I"ll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son >found > > >$110.00 under > >the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was > >$10.00, > >not $110.00. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma.
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08-07-2009, 02:31 AM | #282 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
a very generous man
A GENEROUS MAN A wife comes home early one day and finds her husband in their bed making love to a beautiful, sexy young woman. "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me your faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!" The husband replies, "Just wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened." "Hmmmmm, I don't know. Well, okay, but it'll be the last thing I ever want to hear from you. Make it fast, you lying, cheating dog!" The husband begins to tell his story: "While I was driving home, this woman stopped me and asked me for a ride. She was so young and defenseless that I went ahead and let her in the car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten in three days. With great compassion and caring I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight. The poor thing devoured them. Since she was very dirty, I asked her if she'd like to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and full of holes, so I threw them away. Since she then needed some clothes, I gave her a pair of jeans you've had for a few years and can no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse I gave you on our Anniversary that you won't wear because you think I don't have goo d taste. I gave her the pullover my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bug my sister and I also gave her the boots you bought at that expensive boutique and have worn only once after seeing one of your co-workers wearing the same pair." The husband continues his story. . "The young woman was very grateful to me and as we were walking to the door she suddenly stopped and turned to me, tears streaming down her face, and said, 'Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?' "
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08-07-2009, 02:48 AM | #283 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Subject: Lawyers should be careful...
> > > >Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if > > They aren't prepared for the answer. > >In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney > >Called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to > >The stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you > >Know me?" > > She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've > >known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've > >Been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your > >Wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind > > Their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't > > The brains to realize you never will amount to anything more > > Than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." > >The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he > > Pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense > >attorney?" > >She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley > > Since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he > > Has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship > > With anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the > > Entire state. > > Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of > >them was your wife. Yes, I know him." > >The defense attorney almost died. > >The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very > >quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks > >Her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
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08-07-2009, 09:39 AM | #284 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Ever heard the one about the Chinese Godfather?
He made them an offer they could'nt understand. Stole that joke from The Sopranos. |
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08-08-2009, 02:19 PM | #285 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker
his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, ....so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.... |
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08-12-2009, 07:15 PM | #286 (permalink) | |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Fw: Arkansas Logic
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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ |
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08-13-2009, 01:49 AM | #287 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate DEAR DESPERATE First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck ! Tech Support
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08-17-2009, 02:47 PM | #288 (permalink) | |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ |
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08-18-2009, 05:07 PM | #289 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
That looks like the email I sent you LOL.
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08-20-2009, 12:33 PM | #290 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor. “Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.” “Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ Just drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.” It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! t’was horrid, just terrible, doctor!” “Really? What happened?” asked the doctor. “Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me right then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!” “Why so terrible? “ asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good? “ “t’was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I be sittin here, I can never show me face in Starbucks again!” |
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08-25-2009, 11:10 PM | #291 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
[FONT='Times New Roman',serif]ItalianPregnancy[/font]
[FONT='Times New Roman',serif]An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed herperiod for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancykit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.[/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif]Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'[/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif]The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair andimpeccably dressed in anArmani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.[/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',fantasy]He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.[/font][/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',fantasy]I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll takecharge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..[/font][/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif] Additionally.......[/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif]If a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. [/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',-webkit-fantasy]If a boy is born,my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000bank account.[/font][/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',-webkit-fantasy]If twins,they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.[/font][/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',-webkit-fantasy][FONT='Times New Roman',fantasy]However.......[/font][/font][/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif][FONT='Times New Roman',-webkit-fantasy][FONT='Times New Roman',fantasy]If there is a miscarriage,what do you suggest I do?'[/font][/font][/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif] At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun,places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.[/font] [FONT='Times New Roman',serif] 'You gonnatry again.'[/font]
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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ |
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08-26-2009, 12:14 AM | #292 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Scuba Dave will like this.
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which Murphy replies: "You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f****n' boat. Another dumb joke LOL
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08-26-2009, 01:22 AM | #293 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Pancakes:
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
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08-26-2009, 01:29 AM | #294 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Maria a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry
very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa. Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Madre does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother". So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Antonio. After telling Papa again, he said, "Maria, there's trouble still. You cannot marry Antonio. Please don't tell your mother, but Antonio and Jose are your half-brothers." Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said "Maria, do what makes you happy. Marry Antonio or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."
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08-26-2009, 03:48 AM | #295 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Dinner Time
There is a bird sitting in the tree, chirping sweet and carefree. There is a cat sitting on the fence, waiting for the bird to drop its defense. On the ground sits a dog, barking loud and ready for the quick jog. At the door a man calls out. The bird takes to flight, the cat begins to pounce, and the dog starts to chase. The man at the door moves without haste. (Moral: Never call your pets in for dinner at the same time).
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08-26-2009, 02:00 PM | #296 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Church:
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No ****?"
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08-30-2009, 12:48 PM | #297 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Wow! Never been to this thread before. Okay, here's one I like:
It was the first day of school & the teacher, having had a course in psychology, wanted to try it out on her students. Standing behind her desk, she took roll-call then looked about the room. Puzzling a bit, she said, "All right. I want everybody who thinks they're stupid to stand up." Everyone remained seated. A few seconds later, Johnny stood up. Looking at the boy, the teacher said, "So, Johnny, you actually think you are stupid?" "Nope.", he replied, "Just didn't want ya to have to stand there all by yourself." Last edited by Eric : 08-31-2009 at 06:58 PM. |
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08-31-2009, 08:55 PM | #298 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments... Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they are not the "in" name this year. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' |
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09-07-2009, 09:35 PM | #299 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer. Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into DA....' 'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into DA trailer and I vas driving down DA road... .. The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'. Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into DA trailer and vas driving her down DA highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran DA stop sign and smacked my truck right in DA side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into DA other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after DA accident DA Highway Patrolman, he came to DA scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'.. 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween DA eyes. Den DA Patrolman, he came across DA road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now vat DA hell vould YOU say? |
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09-08-2009, 12:48 AM | #300 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Subject: In Cognito
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach , in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis."
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