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Old 03-04-2010, 09:33 PM   #481 (permalink)
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CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!'



Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work

today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs

hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really

need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my

wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything

better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You

say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'
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Old 03-14-2010, 05:52 PM   #482 (permalink)
 
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Old 03-14-2010, 10:28 PM   #483 (permalink)
 
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Test Drive



I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it...
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Old 03-16-2010, 04:40 PM   #484 (permalink)
 
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Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat,
they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his
table..

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver' but I ain' t niver seed nobody do it!'
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Old 03-16-2010, 04:52 PM   #485 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saltydad View Post
Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat,
they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his
table..

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver' but I ain' t niver seed nobody do it!'
He obviously performed it well, when it worked. 10/10 for this one Howard!
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Old 03-16-2010, 05:04 PM   #486 (permalink)
 
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For some reason my CPR instructors never included this technique, more's the pity.
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Old 03-16-2010, 10:49 PM   #487 (permalink)
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Good one Howard
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Old 03-17-2010, 05:02 PM   #488 (permalink)
 
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Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A
SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER", SHE SAID. "I
HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM
TO HER EAR..

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD
TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT
TO THE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M
GETTING A FAX!!"
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Old 03-18-2010, 06:02 PM   #489 (permalink)
 
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A day late for St. Patrick's Day.


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."







Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?'
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
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Old 03-20-2010, 07:33 PM   #490 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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Since this thread is for above the law group only, here's something that caught my attention (no, I really found it by mistake!).
Ante, is there a Grozny in Croatia? I thought there was one Groznij in Chechneya too...

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Old 03-22-2010, 05:30 AM   #491 (permalink)
 
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Here's one:

2 snakes in a zoo and one snake says to the other,
"Are we poisonous?"
"Not sure", said the other, "Why?"
The other snake replies,
"cos I've just bit me tongue!!!"
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Old 03-24-2010, 01:06 AM   #492 (permalink)
 
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Talk about dumb.

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Old 03-24-2010, 01:38 AM   #493 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saltydad View Post
Talk about dumb.

Wow, that is so awesome. Man, growing condoms as crops.
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Old 03-24-2010, 01:55 AM   #494 (permalink)
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OK, I'll grow some condoms alongside the Kate Moss that Bob wants me to grow - so I can send him many seeds of that moss.
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Old 03-24-2010, 03:44 PM   #495 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patty in Wisc View Post
OK, I'll grow some condoms alongside the Kate Moss that Bob wants me to grow - so I can send him many seeds of that moss.
You know, Patty, what would be much more profitable? Growing the VIA*RA. It's worth much more than condoms.
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Old 03-26-2010, 05:25 PM   #496 (permalink)
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as --
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS!

And furthermore --

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN. '


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a ' DUMB BLONDE ' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE..'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE'!
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Old 03-28-2010, 03:28 PM   #497 (permalink)
 
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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,


'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:14 AM   #498 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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LOL. Long time ago I saw this episode of South Park... Here's the more interesting version.

And yes, it's a dumb joke.

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Old 03-30-2010, 12:41 PM   #499 (permalink)
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Patti, that is too, too funny. I'm going to have to find some more jokes to add. Salty and Jack, still laughing at those too! Sending Patti's and Salty's off to a friend of mine
...'liquid grain storage facility'....lololol!

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Old 03-30-2010, 01:14 PM   #500 (permalink)
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OK, I found a couple. The next one will take me a little longer, have to upload some photos. Here's the first one:
You know you're a senior citizen when...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out...
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember where you read this list ....

And lastly, a piece of advice....
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night..

Last edited by NotherNana : 03-30-2010 at 01:25 PM.
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