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01-19-2010, 01:28 PM | #441 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace, two weeks later; he got five tickets in the mail for drivingwithout a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid. |
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01-19-2010, 02:08 PM | #442 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
I think I know him
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01-25-2010, 08:36 PM | #443 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
"I've often been asked", says Harold, 'What do you older folks do, now that you're retired'?
"Well ... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background," he replied. "And one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine, scotch, champagne and Baileys Irish Cream into urine."
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01-25-2010, 11:52 PM | #444 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ |
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01-26-2010, 08:25 PM | #445 (permalink) |
Fine Artist and sculptor
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Here's some funny sign-age a friend just sent me:
Huh??? My advice would be not to drink and make road signs! Honey, load 'em up with burritos! How can they write if they can't read??? ...Goes without saying... *I edited the sign in PSPro for kid's sakes*
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01-27-2010, 12:41 AM | #446 (permalink) | ||
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Re: Dumb Jokes
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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ |
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01-27-2010, 12:44 AM | #447 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb founded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?' An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest... The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ |
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01-27-2010, 12:46 AM | #448 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Have You Ever Danced? There are two lessons for us all here: Don't waste ammunition. Don't mess with old people. I just love a story with a happy ending!
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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ |
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01-27-2010, 12:51 AM | #449 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ |
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01-28-2010, 01:55 PM | #450 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally? ?? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new Truck
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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ |
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01-28-2010, 01:59 PM | #451 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
A horse walks up to a bar and the bartender asks hey why the long face?
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01-28-2010, 02:12 PM | #452 (permalink) |
I think with my banana ;)
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Re: Dumb Jokes
I heard a version of this joke, but instead of horse, it was Sarah Jessica Parker who came to the bar.
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01-28-2010, 04:52 PM | #453 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
or celine dion
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01-29-2010, 01:13 AM | #454 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Sorry if I posted this before....
but it reminds me of the three legged dog that walked into a bar. The bartender said " what are you doing here...you can't come in here"! The dog said "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".
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02-03-2010, 06:00 PM | #455 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
> NO SEX SINCE 1955
> > A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found > himself at > a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. > There was no shortage of extremely young, > idealistic > ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for > conversation. > > "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a > very > serious man. Is something bothering you?" > > > "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." > > > The young lady looked at his awards and > decorations and > said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." > > > "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." > > > The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a > conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. > Relax and > enjoy yourself." > > > The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his > serious > manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't > take > this the wrong way, But when is the last time you had sex?" > > > ''1955, ma'am." > > > "Well, there you are.. No wonder you're so > serious. You > really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" > > > She took his hand and led him to a private room > where > she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. > > > Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned > against his > bare chest and said, "Wow,you sure didn't forget much since 1955." > > > The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, > after > glancing at his watch, "I Hope Not; It's Only 2130 Now.." > > > (Gotta Love Military Time) > > >
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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ |
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02-04-2010, 12:01 AM | #456 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Now That There Was Funny! I don't care who ya are, That was funny! Thanks Howard! I needed that!
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02-04-2010, 05:31 AM | #457 (permalink) |
I think with my banana ;)
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Re: Dumb Jokes
Howard, amazing joke.
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02-04-2010, 03:58 PM | #458 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
One of the best (worst?) missed editing was back in the mid 80's when PC Magazine had an ad for 'Eunuchs' Programmers.
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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men" "Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon "If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal." John F. Kennedy, September, 1960 http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/ Last edited by saltydad : 02-13-2010 at 07:34 PM. |
02-12-2010, 07:22 PM | #459 (permalink) |
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Re: Dumb Jokes
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters
Where do girls with only 1 leg work ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . IHOP They have a sign up Please do not tip your waitress
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02-12-2010, 08:58 PM | #460 (permalink) |
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