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Old 12-19-2011, 08:46 PM   #581 (permalink)
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What's invisible and smells like carrots?












Bunny farts!
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Old 12-20-2011, 10:16 PM   #582 (permalink)
<div style="font-style: italic;">&lt;div style=&quot;font-style: italic;&quot;&gt;&amp;lt;div style=&amp;quot;font-style: italic;&amp;quot;&amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt; div style=&amp;amp;quot;font-style: italic;&amp;amp;quot;&amp;amp;gt; Plant alchemist&amp;
 
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The Republican plan to abolish the EPA, ending the four-decade bipartisan consensus to ensure healthy air and water for our kids | ThinkProgress
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:39 AM   #583 (permalink)
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Old 01-22-2012, 02:06 PM   #584 (permalink)
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:09 AM   #585 (permalink)
 
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How to you find Will Smith in the snow?






Look for fresh prints
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Old 01-27-2012, 06:45 AM   #586 (permalink)
 
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A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"
The son says, "At school, Dad."
Robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend's house!" the son says.
"Which DVD?" asks the dad.
"Toy Story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Okay, it was a porno!" cries the son.
"What? ! When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was," says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs, "Hahaha! He certainly is your son!"
Robot slaps the mom.
Awkward silence...
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:17 PM   #587 (permalink)
 
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ok..i'll post one too.. i think its from 2 and 1/2 men..
the boys mom makes the comment to a "gentleman" friend...
god gave us children so death doesnt come as such a disappointment..
LOL
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:21 PM   #588 (permalink)
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Old Fart Football



An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'



His wife rolls over and says,

'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'



A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says , 'Touchdown, tie score...'



After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,'Aha.

I'm ahead 14 to 7.'



Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'



Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man.



He refuses to get beaten by a woman,

so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable,

he gives it everything he's got,

and accidentally ****s in the bed.



The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'



The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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Old 02-15-2012, 08:04 PM   #589 (permalink)
 
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Especially for Ante-





PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Thought you'd like to know.



I know, Ante is a power lineman and not a phone guy (at least I don't think he is) but he'll still appreciate this, I hope.
















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Old 02-15-2012, 08:10 PM   #590 (permalink)
 
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Two Ladies Talking after their passing!


1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Nancy. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death..

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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Old 03-02-2012, 02:59 PM   #591 (permalink)
 
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Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced
to his wife, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word
is the ‘Law.’ You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am
done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing
music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and
hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow,
guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess, .”
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
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Old 03-14-2012, 02:19 PM   #592 (permalink)
 
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A dog owner takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet examines the dog and pronounces it terminally ill. The pet owner requests a second opinion. So the vet brings in his own kitten, and the kitten examines the sick dog and shakes his head. The pet owner requests another opinion. This time the vet brings in his Labrador retriever, who jumps up on the examining table with the sick dog, sniffs and licks it and then also shakes his head. The pet owner, now convinced, ask how much he owes the vet. The vet says he owed $650. The pet owner is surprised and ask why the bill is so high. The vet replies that the exam was only $50, but the additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test.
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
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Old 03-14-2012, 02:20 PM   #593 (permalink)
 
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And finally: A young man went on a job interview. The manager, conducting the interview, asked, "Where are your from, son? The young man replied, Minnesota sir." "Oh really,why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager. The young man replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota," responded the manager. The young man replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

Ign
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Old 03-14-2012, 02:20 PM   #594 (permalink)
 
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A near - sighted whale was following the submarine. Every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.....
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Old 03-15-2012, 10:21 AM   #595 (permalink)
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
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Old 03-16-2012, 02:54 PM   #596 (permalink)
 
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't pay for your sandwich."
The panda yells back at the bartender, " Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: " A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
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Old 03-17-2012, 02:21 PM   #597 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saltydad View Post
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't pay for your sandwich."
The panda yells back at the bartender, " Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: " A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Brilliant, a great example how a simple comma can alter the meaning.
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:36 AM   #598 (permalink)
 
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How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

A narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

What do a narcissist and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

My husband and I divorced for religious reasons. He thought he was God and I didn't.



: )
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Old 04-14-2012, 12:01 AM   #599 (permalink)
 
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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
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Old 04-28-2012, 04:09 AM   #600 (permalink)
 
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An Amish family from Lancaster County recently came down to Northern Virginia for the wife's sister's wedding. They found themselves at Tyson's Corner one day, their first visit ever to a shopping center. The father and son were exploring the mall and came to the center court. There, they saw the elevator doors open up and a frail old lady with a walker get on. The doors closed behind her, and then a few minutes later, the doors opened again and a beautiful blond 25-year old woman got off. The father turned to his son and said "Son, I have no idea what the hell that thing is, but go get your mother!"
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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