buzzwinder

Don't mess with Smart Women

SPEEDING
A woman is caught speeding on the freeway, and is pulled over by a
traffic cop. He says "Ma'am, you were going 85 miles per hour, can I
see your driver's license?" "I don't have one," says the woman, "it
was revoked for reckless driving." "I see," says the
policeman. "Then will you please show me your vehicle
registration?" "I don't have that either because the car's not
mine," says the woman. "Whose car is it, then?" asks the policeman.
She answers, "It belongs to the man I killed this morning and
chopped up in pieces, put in plastic bags, and loaded into the
trunk. I was just going to dispose of him." The policeman, shocked,
says, "You just stay where you are, I'm calling reinforcements."
Soon the captain comes, and asks the woman, "License please?" The
woman, politely, says, "Certainly, here it is," and hands over her
license. "Can I see the car's registration, please?" asks the
captain, and the woman says, "Certainly," and hands it over to him.
He then asks, "Would you mind if I looked in your trunk?" "Not at
all," says the woman, and pops the trunk. He looks in and it's
empty. "Excuse me," says the captain, "but my officer her told me
you had no license, no vehicle registration, and that you had stolen
the car, killed its owner, cut him into pieces and loaded him in
your trunk!" The woman answered, "Really? I bet the damn liar said I
was speeding, too!"

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Bill for my friend

Chironex

These are great, I intend to get some mileage out of all of them. Keep 'em coming!

__________________
Scot

Tog Tan

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart
closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied, "I'm a gynaecologist"...

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Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

lorax

A derelict man walks into a bar, goes straight up to the bartender, and says:
"Hey buddy, if I can show you something so amazing that it knocks your socks right off your feet, will you give me that Texas Mickey of Jim Beam you've got up there on the wall?"
And the bartender thinks about it for a few minutes - finally, he figures that there's no way he'll lose this bet, so he says "you're on!"

The man pulls a frog and a rat out of his pocket, and wanders over to the bar's piano. He puts the frog up on the lid, and the rat down by the keys, and these two critters start playing the best jazz the barkeep has ever heard, the rat playing stride piano and the frog singing scat. The bartender, an honourable man, gives the rummy the bottle of Jim, and the man proceeds to get blind drunk.

About three hours later, a record exec walks into the bar and is immediately blown away by the duo of the frog and rat. He asks the barman - "how much for that act? I've gotta have that act!" and the barman points out that the frog and the rat belong to the disreputable and smelly personage currently lying under the bar. So the exec kneels down and shakes the drunk into some sort of consciousness.

"I'll pay you $50,000 for that act!" yells the businessman.
"No dice" says the drunk.
"100,000" - "nope" - "300,000" - "nope"
"OK" says the record exec. "I'll pay you half a million dollars for the frog."
"Deal!" says the drunk, and the exec proceeds to write him out a cheque for the amount, then scoops up the frog and goes giggling out the door.

The barman, astounded, grabs the drunk by the lapels of his grimy suitjacket and hoiks him up to the bar, screaming "how could you possibly split up that act! That was the most amazing act I've ever seen in my life, how could you do it!?!?!?"

And the rummy grins a toothless grin, and says "Itsh ok. The rat.... the rat ish a ventriloquish.."

Patty in Wisc

DARN MEN DRIVERS!!!

I was driving on I 94 today & I looked to my left at another car along side me & there was a male driver looking in his rear view mirror SHAVING! He then swirved a little into my lane & I got so nervous & scared, I dropped my mascara. I then went to get it & spilled some coffee from the cup held between my legs & burnt you-know-what, & then dropped my cell phone into the coffee cup & lost a good conversation I was having.
Those darn men drivers!!

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Got a lite?
Patty




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Patty in Wisc has sadly passed away 9/05/11. We will miss you Patty.

Chironex

Be happy, he could have been a proctologist!!!

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Scot

buzzwinder

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently
transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door. 'Is your father there?' asked the social worker. 'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid. 'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker. 'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid. 'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?' 'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the Outhouse!'

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Bill for my friend

Tog Tan

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

11 people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men & 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that
one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They
were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very
touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return. (too true!)

As soon
as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping....

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Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

Caloosamusa

Tog Tan,

Because they could. When being extracted by helicopter using that method, you hold on mostly with your legs, if not clipped in.

A little scary but very exhilerating!!

buzzwinder

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota con tractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

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Bill for my friend

Tog Tan

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a
tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he
cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you
crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a
golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

Then the Lord retrieved an old axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave
him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home
happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife
along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When
he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA
JOLIE all wet and ultra sexy "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter with a big grin and drooling.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It
is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no'
to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ
.. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come
up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to
ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for
a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -
"WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!"

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Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

buzzwinder

Subject: Fw: What All Women Want

*King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was
moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him
his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and,
if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question
would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better
than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an
answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the
princ ess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she
would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout
the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he
would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of
the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke
with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's
life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed! and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of
her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had
uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his
freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for
a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight
awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay
before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had
happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so k ind to her when
she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible
deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the
other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful
woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a
hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman
for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?



**
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his
question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in
charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


*
*
The moral is.....**
If you don't let a woman have her own way....**
Things are going to get ugly.*

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Bill for my friend

buzzwinder

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two Black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole,we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of The cows had something white in its rear end."

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball With my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don't remember much after that...

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Bill for my friend

buzzwinder

BEST CADDY COMMENTS

# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment.....

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir!

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Bill for my friend

Tog Tan

A golfer got his ball into a patch of buttercups and was thrashing them all up. Mother nature was around at that time and was furious at what this golfer did. She appeared and said loudly, "For this you did to the buttercups, you will NEVER eat butter again!"
Astonished and frightened, he remembered his friend in a similar situation in another part of the course. Quickly he got his cell phone out and called his friend.
"Hey dude where are you?"
"I am here in the area where there's tons of pussywillow..."
Before he could finish the sentence, golfer #1 screamed over the phone, "Whatever you are doing, DON'T HIT ANY OF THE PLANTS!!!"

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Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

buzzwinder

For all of those feeling old like myself, a very good friend of mine age 84 sent this e-mail to me!

Scotch With Two Drops of Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

Hope You Enjoyed these as much as I did!!

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Bill for my friend

saltydad

Keep 'em coming guys.

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Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

buzzwinder

Another one from ol' buddy Jimbo!!

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Good Advice: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Bill for my friend

Tog Tan

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc,.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'.

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

lorax

A little sparrow, late for the winter migration, was flying along in a snowstorm and froze up, falling to the ground. He lay there freezing for most of the next day, and then a cow came over, and piled upon him a big steaming mound of cowpie.

And the little bird started to thaw out. He was warm, and he felt good. Better than he had all winter. He was so happy that he started singing at the top of his lungs.

The farm cat, hearing this song, went looking for the source, and coming upon the chirping cowpat, he proceeded to dig out the sparrow and eat him.

The moral? Not everyone who gets you into sh*t is your enemy, and not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. And if you're warm and happy, shut the hell up!