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Old 09-14-2010, 05:58 PM   #541 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Hollyberry Lady View Post
Jack, those are just too frigging funny!



I was just listening to this one. Unbelievable...





Woops....I guess that relationship's over!


: )
Yeah, shows like that were very popular here some time ago. Not too many people saw through it though. My wife, Cindy...
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Old 09-14-2010, 06:09 PM   #542 (permalink)
 
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Not sure what to make of them though because it kind of ruins people's lives!!!



Listening to this joke call and thought it was sort of funny...





: )
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Old 09-15-2010, 03:46 AM   #543 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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Originally Posted by The Hollyberry Lady View Post
Not sure what to make of them though because it kind of ruins people's lives!!!



Listening to this joke call and thought it was sort of funny...





: )
Those lives were ruins before they picked the phone up, not after they did it. It's just a matter of observatory distance.
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Old 09-27-2010, 03:16 PM   #544 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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My turn for a funny video. Since I've taken up some languages this semester, here's a short video that helps me, when I think I don't work hard enough:

Episode 1:


Episode 2:
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Old 01-04-2011, 10:26 AM   #545 (permalink)
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My boyfriend asked me how many men I've slept with. I proudly said "only you sweety,.... the others were all awake".
I'm recovering in hospital now.
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Old 01-20-2011, 05:37 PM   #546 (permalink)
 
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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger..'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they
lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my
electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to ten friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
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Old 01-20-2011, 05:39 PM   #547 (permalink)
 
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Re: Jokes, Puns,Knock-Knocks, Humorous Stories for Amusement in the Off-Season
« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2010, 09:17:38 AM »
Quote

Quote from: tomterp on November 04, 2010, 0134 PM
How many wahoos does it take to change a flat?

Two - one to mix the drinks, while the other one calls daddy.


A Virginia fan is driving north on a two-lane road. At the same time, a Maryland fan is driving south on the same road. As they approach each other, they both encounter deer crossing the road and they swerve to avoid them. Unfortunately, they crash into each other in doing so. Both cars are utterly mangled.

The Virginia fan gets out of his car first and finds that he is miraculously unhurt. "I can't believe I survived this," he mumbles. Then the Maryland fan gets out of his car and he is also amazed that he survived.

The Virginia fan says to the Maryland fan," I think we probably ought to view this accident as a sign from God that we ought to put aside our silly rivalries and live as friends." The Maryland fan thinks about it for a minute and says, "I think you're right. Clearly our surviving is a message."

Then the Virginia fan says, "Let's see if anything else in the cars survived this accident." He starts rummaging around in the remains of his car and finds that, somehow, a full unopened bottle of bourbon survived the crash. He walks over to the Maryland fan and says, "Look at this. I can't believe this bottle didn't shatter. Clearly God is telling us to toast to our newfound friendship with this bottle of bourbon."

The Maryland fan thinks this is a fine idea (and who wouldn't need a drink after a big car crash?). The Virginia fan says, "Proper friendship says that the host goes last. Since it's my bottle of bourbon, you may have the first drink."

So the Maryland fan grabs the bottle and starts guzzling down bourbon like Bluto in Animal House. After he's consumed about half the bottle, he hands it back and says, "OK, your turn."

The Virginia fan pauses......he looks at the bottle.....then he looks at the Maryland fan.....then he looks at the bottle again.....and he pauses a little longer.....

.....and then he puts the stopper back in the bottle and says, "Nahhhh, that's OK, I think I'll just wait for the cops to arrive."
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Old 01-20-2011, 05:40 PM   #548 (permalink)
 
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
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Old 01-20-2011, 05:41 PM   #549 (permalink)
 
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A cowboy goes to the psychiatrist after not being able to sleep for several weeks.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Well, doc, I was out in Indian country for a few days, and since I've been back, I keep having these weird dreams."

"What sort of dreams?"

"Well, the first night I had a dream about wigwams. Then the next night I dreamed about tepees. Then the next night it was wigwams again, then tepees—"

The doctor interrupts: "I think I see your problem. You're just too tents."
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
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Old 01-20-2011, 05:41 PM   #550 (permalink)
 
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The man who wrote the Hokey-Pokey song died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into his coffin. They put his left leg in.


Then the trouble started......
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
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Last edited by saltydad : 06-16-2011 at 04:55 PM.
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Old 01-22-2011, 08:50 PM   #551 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by saltydad View Post
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

That is just absolutely hilarious, Howard!


Thanks for the laugh!


: )
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Old 02-04-2011, 04:23 PM   #552 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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This one is classic. Finally, somebody put it into a movie.

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Old 02-20-2011, 04:50 PM   #553 (permalink)
 
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This is hilarious!! Warning!!- Language and Adult Subjects

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Old 02-20-2011, 04:58 PM   #554 (permalink)
 
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That really was too funny, Howard! Thanks for the laugh.



Jack, I tried to watch your video but it's no longer available!



: )
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Old 02-20-2011, 05:40 PM   #555 (permalink)
I think with my banana ;)
 
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Originally Posted by The Hollyberry Lady View Post
That really was too funny, Howard! Thanks for the laugh.



Jack, I tried to watch your video but it's no longer available!



: )
That's sad. But it would most probably offend so many people, that it's better this way.
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Old 02-20-2011, 11:57 PM   #556 (permalink)
 
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Na, it really WAS funny!
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:21 PM   #557 (permalink)
 
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Oh now I want to see it even more, Jack! It couldn't have been that bad. Then again, if you posted it, I have to wonder.


Now that I'm here, I gotta watch Howard's video again. That was just too friggin' funny and it really made me laugh...


: )

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Old 06-16-2011, 04:57 PM   #558 (permalink)
 
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In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created. Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten: "Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff."
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Old 06-24-2011, 07:03 PM   #559 (permalink)
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Timely Limerick...

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one wiener leaner
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Old 07-25-2011, 04:32 PM   #560 (permalink)
 
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So, Larry King is evidently on a comedy tour now that he's retired (which seems like a joke all unto itself), and he was on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" this week. He finished his segment with this joke:

"A man was taking an Amtrak train ride overnight from New York to Chicago and had a ticket for the sleeper cabin. The man begins to settle into his bunk when a woman walks in. Now, this is not something that normally Amtrak would do, but the route was sold out and the woman didn't object. She took the bottom cabin and the man took the top one. A couple of hours into the ride, the man said 'Ma'am, I'm a little chilly do you mind if I borrow a blanket for the rest of the ride?' The woman responded 'Well, we you know, it's just the two of us in here, and it's just this one night, we'll never see each other again, if you wanted, we could play husband and wife for this evening, would that be ok with you?' The man replied, 'sure, that would be ok.' 'Then get your own damn blanket,' the woman said and went back to sleep."
__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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