island cassie

CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens


35° Fahrenheit (1..6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down


32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.


0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.


-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt.St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door


-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.


-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.


-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"


-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

island cassie

Sorry - I have to censor my next jokes before pos
ting them here - you are such delicate flowers after all!!!

island cassie

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
> >while his wife stayed home.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
> > > 'Dear Lord:
> > > I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
> >merely stays at home.
> > > I want her to know what I go through.
> > > So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
> > >
> > > Amen!'
> > >
> > > God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
> > > The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
> > > He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
> > > Awakened the kids,
> > >
> > > Set out their school clothes,
> > > Fed them breakfast,
> > > Packed their lunches,
> > > Drove them to school,
> > > Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
> > > Took it to the cleaners
> > > And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
> > >
> > > Went grocery shopping,
> > > Then drove home to put away the groceries,
> > >
> > > Paid the bills and balanced the check book..
> > > He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
> > > Then, it was already 01P.M.
> > > And he hurried to make the beds,
> > > Do the laundry, vacuum,
> > > Dust,
> > > And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
> > > Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
> >argument with them on the way home.
> > > Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to
> >do their homework.
> > > Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he
> >did the ironing.
> > > At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables
> >for salad, breaded the pork chops and
> > > snapped fresh beans for supper.
> > >
> > > After supper,
> > > He cleaned the kitchen,
> > > Ran the dishwasher,
> > > Folded laundry,
> > > Bathed the kids,
> > > And put them to bed..
> > > At 09 P.M .
> > > He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
> >finished, he went to bed where he was
> > > expected to make love, which he managed to get through
> >without complaint.
> > >
> > > The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the
> >bed and said: -
> > > 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
> > > I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home
> >all day.
> > > Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
> > > Amen!'
> > >
> > > The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
> > >
> > > 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will
> >be happy to change things back to the way
> > > they were.
> > > You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
> > > You got pregnant last night.'

Tog Tan

A Wife's Prayer

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

Lagniappe

Stimulus plan.

lorax

Oh, we're into the oxymorons?

Military Intelligence,
Jumbo Shrimp,
Bargain Dentist

saltydad

Subject: FW: Abby at a loss

Letters Dear Abby admitted she was at a loss to answer: > > > Dear Abby: > A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? > > Dear Abby: > What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR? > > Dear Abby: > I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. > > Dear Abby: > I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. > > Dear Abby: > I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. > > Dear Abby: > Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? > > Dear Abby: (My Favorite) > I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. > > Dear Abby: > My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. > > Dear Abby: > You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what?

(With thanks)

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

buzzwinder

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is
developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach
our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good resu lts they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he
shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that
little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a b@%ch before he talks
to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become
the Governor of Illinois.

__________________


Bill for my friend

Chironex

That was a good one Bill! Thanks!!!

__________________
Scot

mskitty38583

a friend of mine asked me,
what do you do for a cheating spouse....
and i said....
reload.

__________________
WELCOME TO THE GATOR NATION

mskitty38583

that was great!

__________________
WELCOME TO THE GATOR NATION

Tog Tan

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

saltydad

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone Has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
5. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana '.
6. Skip Down The Hall Rather Than Walk And See How Many Looks You Get.
7. Order A Diet Water Whenever You Go Out To Eat, With A Serious Face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10 Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You Have A Headache.
11 When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12 When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

saltydad

Subject: a cowboy




A Cowboy named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 15 page report on his high-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one,' says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man puts it into his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give it back?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie,'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required,' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

saltydad

AAADD
>
> KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
>
> Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
> Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
>
> Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
> Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
>
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my garden.
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
> I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage,
> I notice mail on the porch table that
> I brought up from the mail box earlier.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys on the table,
> put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
> and notice that the can is full.
>
> So, I decide to put the bills back
> on the table and take out the garbage first.
>
> But then I think,
> since I'm going to be near the mailbox
> when I take out the garbage anyway,
> I may as well pay the bills first.
>
> I take my check book off the table,
> and see that there is only one check left.
> My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
> so I go inside the house to my desk where
> I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my checks,
> but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
> The Pepsi is getting warm,
> and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
> a vase of flowers on the counter
> catches my eye--they need water.
>
> I put the Pepsi on the counter and
> discover my reading g lasses that
> I've been searching for all morning.
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk,
> but first I'm going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the counter,
> fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV
> remote.
> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
> I'll be looking for the remote,
> but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen
> table,
> so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
> but first I'll water the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers,
> but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
>
> So, I set the remote ba ck on the table,
> get some towels and wipe up the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to
> remember what I was planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day:
>
> the car isn't washed
> the bills aren't paid
> there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
> the flowers don't have enough water,
> there is still only 1 check in my check book,
> I can't find the remote,
> I can't find my glasses,
> and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
> I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn
> day,
> and I'm really tired.
>
> I realize this is a serious problem,
> and I'll try to get some help for it,
> but first I'll check my e-mail....
>
> Do me a favor.
> Forward this message to everyone you know,
> because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it
> to.

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

saltydad

Remember, this is humor, not fact (maybe).

You know you're a nurse when..

1) the front of your scrubs reads 'Nurses... here to
save your ass, not kiss it!'

2) you occasionally park in the space with the
'physicians only' sign... and knock it over.

3) you believe some patients are alive only because it's
illegal to kill them.

4) you recognize that you can't cure stupid.

5) you own at least three pens with the names of
prescription medications on them.

6) you believe there's a special place in hell for the
inventor of the call light.

7) you believe that saying 'it can't get any worse'
causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

8) you wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom.

9) you believe that any job where you can drive to work
in your pajamas is a cool one.

10) you consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

11) eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is
perfectly natural.

12) you've been exposed to so many x-rays that you
consider it a form of birth control.

13) you've ever heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow
ring, and twelve earrings say 'I'm afraid of shots.'

14) you've ever placed a bet
on someone's blood alcohol level.

15) you've told a confused patient that your name is that
of a coworker and to call if they need help.

16) your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank.

17) you have seen more penises than any prostitute could dream of.
18) you believe that not all patients are annoying...
some are unconscious.

19) your family and friends refuse to watch medical
sitcoms with you because you spend the whole time
correcting everyone and pointing out upside down
x-rays.

20) you don't get excited about blood, unless it's your
own.

21) you've sworn to have 'do not resuscitate' tattooed on your chest. Soon.

22) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal
is perfectly normal to you.

23) your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.

24) your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift
change.

25) you believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

26) you believe that 'shallow gene pool' should be a
recognized diagnosis.
27) you believe that the government should require
permits to reproduce.

28) you believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone
who utters the phrase 'Wow, it's really quiet, isn't it?

29) you have ever wanted to write a book entitled
'Suicide: getting it right the first time.'

30) you have ever had a patient look you straight in the
eye and say 'I have no idea how that got stuck in there.'

31) you've had to leave a patient's room before
you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

saltydad

THE BOTTLE OF WINE


For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resu
ming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'

__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


http://flickr.com/photos/saltydad/ and
http://community.webshots.com/user/saltydad
http://s751.photobucket.com/albums/xx151/saltydad/

Tog Tan

In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at the customer, sitting across the table.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

__________________



____
Tog Tan has sadly suddenly passed away 6/16/09. We will miss you Tog Tan.

buzzwinder

Blonde Kidnapper

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park,
grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have
kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave
$10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7
A.M."

Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and
told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park
to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she
had
instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note.

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde
would do this to another."

__________________


Bill for my friend

buzzwinder

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

__________________


Bill for my friend