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Tiki Hut All other posts go here. Banana jokes, travel stories, anything else you would like to chat about.


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Old 09-08-2009, 06:24 PM   #301 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Since you brought up bikini jokes...

A redneck American tourist was walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a Frenchman lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"

"Maybee I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. Two sizes to small even. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the tourist, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. If anything they seem to be laughing at him. So he goes back to the Frenchman.

"I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women turn their heads away and laugh at him.

After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman. "Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach, and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the front of zee sweeming suit?"

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Old 09-08-2009, 07:42 PM   #302 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Fred was driving down the highway. Up ahead of him another car was speeding along. Out of nowhere, a jackrabbit crossed the rode and the front vehicle hit it.

Fred watched as the driver slammed on his brakes and backed up to the smashed rabbit. Fred was curious so he pulled over to watch.

The man took something out of his trunk and bent over the rabbit for a minute, then backed up. After a few momonets, the rabbit started to twitch. Then it stood up. It then hopped off about 3 or 4 hops and turned back to the man and waved. It than again hopped a bit off and again stopped, turned and waved. Fred watched, amazed, as the rabbit continued to hop off and turn and wave....until it was out of sight.

Fred could take it no more, he jumped from his car and asked the driver what he had done to that rabbit.

The man replied, "I just rubbed some of this stuff on it...my wife gave it to me."

Fred looked at the tube. It was hair restorer with permanant wave.
............

aaron
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Old 09-09-2009, 10:58 PM   #303 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

We had fun with this last year and I thought some of the newer members might enjoy it too!

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Old 10-03-2009, 12:15 AM   #304 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

* Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess
>
>
>
>
> A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and
> asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
> She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
> advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying
> frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and
> proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out.
> Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
> Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the
> entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans,
> please raise your hand?"
> Not one hand went up ... So she took them home
and ate them.
>
> Two lessons here:
>
> 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they
are.
> 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.


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Old 10-03-2009, 01:15 AM   #305 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by buzzwinder View Post
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Don't mess with this stewardess:

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Old 10-03-2009, 09:18 AM   #306 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Here's a sample of what mathematicians laugh about!

Our concept of time is a continuous line (or as Cheryl quotes: Time flies like an arrow). We think of the past as continuous time, the future as continuous time, and the present a fleeting instant. Consequently, the present is irrational !!!

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Old 10-03-2009, 03:53 PM   #307 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
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Old 10-03-2009, 04:03 PM   #308 (permalink)
 
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Don't rain on my parade!!!!!!!!!



A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want

to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their

flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and

exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look

the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for her regular hair appointment. The hairdresser asked

her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand

new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were

wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $35 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the

finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the

shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to

step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked throughthe door and shook my hand! I knelt down

and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

"Who f***ed up your hair
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Old 10-03-2009, 04:08 PM   #309 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Fall Classes for Women at
>
> THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE
>
>
> REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED:
> By Sunday, SEPTEMBER 31, 2009
>
>
>
> NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
>
> OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
>
>
>
> Class 1
>
> Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
>
> Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
>
> Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
>
>
>
> Class 2
>
> Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
>
> Round Table Discussion.
>
> Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
>
>
>
> Class 3
>
> Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
>
> Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
>
>
>
> Class 4
>
> Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics..
>
> Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
>
>
>
> Class 5
>
> Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
>
> Examples on Video.
>
> Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
>
> At 7:00 PM
>
>
>
> Class 6
>
> How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
>
> Help Line Support and Support Groups.
>
> Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
>
>
>
> Class 7
>
> Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
>
> Open Forum..
>
> Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
>
>
>
> Class 8
>
> Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
>
> Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
>
>
>
> Class 9
>
> I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
>
> Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
>
>
>
> Class 10
>
> How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
>
> Driving Simulations.
>
> 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
>
>
>
> Class 11
>
> Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
>
> Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
>
>
>
> Class 12
>
> How to Shop by Yourself.
>
> Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
>
>
>
> Class 13
>
> How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
>
> Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
>
> Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours...
>
>
>
> Class 14
>
> The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
>
> Live Demonstration.
>
> Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
>
> Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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Old 10-03-2009, 04:10 PM   #310 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Newfie Trees
A Newfie Named Eric Is Driving Home
After Downing A Few At The Local Pub.
He Turns The Corner And Sees A Tree In
The Middle Of The Road. He Swerves To Avoid It.
He Realizes There's Another Directly In His Path!


He Discovers His Drive Home Is Causing
Him To Veer From Side To Side To Avoid All
The Trees.


Moments Later He Hears A Police Siren
And Stops His Car.
The Officer Approaches His Car And Asks Him What On Earth Is He Doing.
Eric Starts To Tell The Story Of The Trees On The Road. The Officer Stops Him In Mid Sentence And Says...


Fer Chrise Sakes,eric, That's Yer
Air Freshener !
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Old 10-03-2009, 06:20 PM   #311 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Cassie- I love it. What's a newfie?
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Old 10-03-2009, 06:43 PM   #312 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac?


A: He stayed up all night, wondering if there really was a Dog!!!


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Old 10-03-2009, 06:45 PM   #313 (permalink)
 
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A newfie is someone from the province of Newfoundland, Canada. The rest of Canada makes fun of them, as if they were dumb!

They are actually the friendliest people you could ever want to meet - give you the shirt off their back!


: )
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Old 10-03-2009, 06:48 PM   #314 (permalink)
 
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Thanks....if I were from Canada, I'd hopefully be a newfie!!
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Old 10-03-2009, 06:49 PM   #315 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Hollyberry Lady View Post
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac?


A: He stayed up all night, wondering if there really was a Dog!!!



Love them all...but this one is fantastic!!

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Old 10-03-2009, 06:50 PM   #316 (permalink)
 
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Really? Well, can I have your shirt?!!! Teasing of course.


Glad you liked the joke - thought you guys would think it was lame!


: O
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Old 10-03-2009, 06:53 PM   #317 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Hollyberry Lady View Post
Really? Well, can I have your shirt?!!! Teasing of course.


Glad you liked the joke - thought you guys would think it was lame!


: O
Sure, let me just put on my manzeer first!
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Old 10-03-2009, 06:54 PM   #318 (permalink)
 
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Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist

You missed one part
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Old 10-03-2009, 06:59 PM   #319 (permalink)
 
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Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist

You missed one part
Ahh....but he's still questioning.......a skeptic.
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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Old 10-03-2009, 07:01 PM   #320 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Newfie's bred "Duck Tolling Retrievers", a cross between Red Spaniel and Gold Retriever. The breed is spaniel-size, with permanent golden retriever puppy fur. Here's a picture of mine from last year:



Quote:
Originally Posted by Scuba_Dave View Post
Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist

You missed one part
Actually, since he is still questioning he is Agnostic.
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