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Old 05-26-2009, 09:24 PM   #241 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of champagne. When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... But only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...

... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
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Old 05-30-2009, 08:04 PM   #242 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

A man is waiting for his
> wife to give birth. The
> doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was
> born without torso,
> arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad
> loves his son and
> raises him as well as he can, with love and
> compassion.
>
>
>
> After 21 years, the
> son is now old
> enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar,
> tearfully tells the
> son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest,
> strongest drink for his
> boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously
> and the bartender
> shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his
> first sip of alcohol.
>
>
>
>
> Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The
> bar is dead silent; then
> bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs
> his son to drink
> again.. The patrons chant 'Take another
> drink!'
>
>
>
> The bartender continues to shake his
> head in dismay ... Swoooosh!
> Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop
> out.
>
>
>
> The bar goes wild. The father, crying
> and wailing, begs his son to
> drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another
> drink! Take another
> drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair
> and goes back to
> polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly
> unimpressed by the amazing
> scenes.
>
>
>
> By now the boy is getting tipsy, but
> with his new hands he reaches
> down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
> Plop! Plip!! Two legs
> pop out. The bar is in chaos.
>
> The father falls to his knees and
> tearfully thanks God. The boy
> stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left
> then staggers to the
> right through the front door, into the street, where
> a truck runs over
> him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
>
>
>
>
> The father moans in grief . The
> bartender sighs and says,
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> (Wait for it)
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> (It's
> coming)
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
> (Ya ready?)
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> * (Don't hate
> me)
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
> * (You're gonna hate
> me)
>
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> * (Take
> a deep breath)
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
> 'He should've quit while he was
> a head...

<<< .....now, that's a 'dumb joke'!
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:15 AM   #243 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Two Little Boys


After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'
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Old 06-03-2009, 01:10 PM   #244 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Installing Husband 1.0

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a
distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
___________________________ ______________
__ _________

Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as
designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

__________________
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"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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Old 06-04-2009, 06:47 AM   #245 (permalink)
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Joy Re: Dumb Jokes

The phone rings, and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please..'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for HIV.

We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
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Old 06-04-2009, 06:56 AM   #246 (permalink)
Let there be light
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Hey Tog!!
Nice to see U arround!
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Old 06-04-2009, 12:24 PM   #247 (permalink)
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Joy Re: Dumb Jokes

A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a sales man standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** when I tell you the price".
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Old 06-04-2009, 01:10 PM   #248 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
__________________
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"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
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Old 06-04-2009, 01:11 PM   #249 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes

Women's English:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you ass
10. You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Men's English
1. I'm hungry = I'm hungry
2. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
3. I'm tired = I'm tired
4. Nice Dress = Nice cleavage
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I'm bored - Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
__________________
Men In Nursing- "A Few Good Men"

"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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Old 06-04-2009, 01:36 PM   #250 (permalink)
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Joy Re: Dumb Jokes

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please?

Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'
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Old 06-10-2009, 07:50 AM   #251 (permalink)
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Joy Re: Dumb Jokes

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
__________________



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Old 06-11-2009, 01:57 PM   #252 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Dumb Jokes


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:[/font]



Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- [/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,[/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']wide loofah and pumice stone.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo[/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']with 43 added vitamins.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for [/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']10 minutes until red[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut [/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']and jaffa cake body wash.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Rinse conditioner off hair.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Shave armpits and legs.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Rinse off.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Turn off shower[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Spray mold spots with Tilex.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Return to b edroom wearing long robe and towel on head.[/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. [/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed [/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']and leave[/font][FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']them in a pile.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Walk naked to the bathroom.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her [/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']making[/font][FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']the woo-woo sound.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Look at your manly physique in the mirror.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Pee.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Rinse off and get out of shower.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Partially dry off.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was [/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']hanging[/font][FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']out of tub the whole time.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Admire wiener size in mirror again.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, [/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']and light and fan on.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Return to bedroom with towel around waist.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her [/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']and[/font][FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']make the woo-woo sound again.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Throw wet towel on bed.[/font]


[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, [/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']there is something SO very wrong with you.[/font]
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']Have a great day..... and woo woo!!![/font]




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John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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Old 06-12-2009, 08:32 AM   #253 (permalink)
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Copying From The Originals

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbott! I question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot,"What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEBRATE!!!"
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Old 06-12-2009, 11:23 PM   #254 (permalink)
 
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Garden Snakes can Be Deadly


Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent
cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from
a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go
under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that
time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake ha d bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him
to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on
the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a
neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was
gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt
the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband
in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying
on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake
had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey,
and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here.......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing
wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg
of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the
bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and
raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed
into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were
halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put
out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right
with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap
for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring
in their plants for the night.

..............And that's when he shot her.
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:16 AM   #255 (permalink)
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Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between
them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Larry
replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of
Jack Daniels. Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble
we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile," Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my
zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done,
the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore.
My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"
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Old 06-13-2009, 08:57 PM   #256 (permalink)
 
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Quote

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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Old 06-26-2009, 04:10 PM   #257 (permalink)
 
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Crisco

A little old guy is walking around in a
supermarket calling out, 'Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says,
'Sir, the Crisco is on aisle 3..'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not
looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my wife.
She's in here somewhere.'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old man said, no, no. I only call
her that when we're out in public.'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
'Lard ass.'
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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Old 06-26-2009, 04:32 PM   #258 (permalink)
 
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About those Church Hymns

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.




He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.'


The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED
CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.'


The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.'


The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX.'


The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.


Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
A little old 87 year-old grandmother, stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'
Pass this along and make someone smile today (I just did).Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.
Laugh... It burns calories




The Lord make his face to shine upon you
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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Old 06-26-2009, 04:32 PM   #259 (permalink)
 
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Painting the Church





There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.



As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventualy the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint..









Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. (you're going to love this)









"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"






__________________
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"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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Old 06-26-2009, 04:33 PM   #260 (permalink)
 
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it... The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Makaila was left.


'Makaila, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break ,and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed Four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

'Stay the hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking.









__________________
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"Gardening is the purest of human pleasures." - Francis Bacon





"If by a liberal, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind; someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions; someone who cares about the welfare of the people, their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties; someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicion that grips us; that is what they meant by a liberal, I am proud to be a liberal."
John F. Kennedy, September, 1960


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