View Full Version : Dumb Jokes
saltydad
02-15-2009, 06:49 PM
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The Humor of Youth<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Young people are a prime source of embarrassing statements and bone-headed bloopers. Now it seems that their teachers are sharing all this on the Net. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
History teacher and author Richard Lederer strung together a loose history of the world based on unusual statements in student essays. For example: <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Wittenberg</st1:place></st1:city>. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Lincoln</st1:place></st1:city>'s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. <o:p></o:p>
Net humorist Tina Mancuso collects and shares strange statements in fifth and sixth grade science papers:<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Clouds are high flying fogs.<o:p></o:p>
Chironex
02-15-2009, 08:26 PM
Remember Art Linkletter's "Kids say the darndest things" Lots of good stuff. There must be a website somewhere with it.
lorax
02-15-2009, 11:58 PM
So this guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head....
The bartender looks him up and down, and says "Hey buddy, what can I do for you?"
The duck blinks and says, "Well, you could get this guy off my ass!"
buzzwinder
02-16-2009, 12:16 AM
Blonde Joke:
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond.. 'They're watch dogs!'
:bananas_b
Tog Tan
02-16-2009, 05:31 AM
WOMAN : You remind me of the sea.
MAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
WOMAN : NO, because you make me sick .
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something, it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
GIRL : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think?
BOY : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
lorax
02-16-2009, 11:08 AM
So this horse walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
--
(you should really read this one out loud to get the full effect)
A piece of string walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and tells him to get lost, this bar doesn't serve string.
So the string leaves the bar and immediately starts beating himself up, messing up his hair, and generally making himself look more like a pretzel.
And the string walks back into the bar.
The bartender looks at him in disbelief and tells him to get lost, this bar doesn't serve string.
The string looks back an the bartender, and without missing a beat says "I'm not a piece of string. Gimmie a budwieser, would ya?"
The bartender says "What are you talking about, you're obviously the piece of string that I just kicked out a minute ago!"
And the string says "No, I'm a frayed knot."
--
So a rabbi, the dalai lama, the pope, and the Ayatollah walk into bar.
The bartender looks and them and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Tog Tan
02-16-2009, 11:27 AM
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
Patty in Wisc
02-16-2009, 11:24 PM
Kids:
When asked "What is copulation?"
"That's how many police there are in your neighborhood"
A three legged dog walked in a bar.
Bartender said "you can't come in here! What are you doing here?"
Dog said "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"
Why are 'dumb blonde' jokes so short?
So brunettes can catch on to them.
Lagniappe
02-16-2009, 11:52 PM
:ha::ha::ha::ha:
Oh my! Spring is taking its sweet time getting here :P
But this sure helps pass the time :D
Tog Tan
02-17-2009, 03:01 AM
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
damaclese
02-17-2009, 08:24 AM
Dum Kid Jokes! gota love u'm
Why did the Plant that sits in the math class die! answer: because it had square Roots
If Gulls that fly over the sea are Seagulls that what are Gulls that fly over a Bay answer: Bagels
Tog Tan
02-17-2009, 02:30 PM
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a
woman For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for 5 minutes. Then the man came out with
tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming,
crashing, and banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
Then the door opened slowly and there stood the woman. All bloody, she wiped the sweat from her brow. "The damn gun was loaded with blanks," she screamed. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Never put a woman to the test
Caloosamusa
02-17-2009, 03:35 PM
Tog Tan,
This is a thread for dumb jokes, that one is toooooo good!:03:
:ha::ha::ha:
Tog Tan
02-18-2009, 07:57 AM
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE:
Read the above from bottom to top
lorax
02-18-2009, 11:11 AM
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive neighbor, a Blonde Playboy model named Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Judy, is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!!!
D_&_T
02-18-2009, 11:57 AM
This is a just for fun joke that our children brought home on their Nutrition Nuggets paper from school
Q: What's the hardest thing about learning to rollerblade?
A: The ground
Thought that I would share and say hello to everyone at the same time!
Caloosamusa
02-18-2009, 03:06 PM
Tog Tan,
I told my wife the CIA joke you posted. I'm just glad she is not interested in working for them!:ha:
Tog Tan
02-18-2009, 03:10 PM
Tog Tan,
I told my wife the CIA joke you posted. I'm just glad she is not interested in working for them!:ha:
Better not tell her about my Before/After Marriage stupid one below too!:ha:
Caloosamusa
02-18-2009, 04:30 PM
:ha::ha::ha: Maybe!:jalapenonaner:
Tog Tan
02-19-2009, 12:42 PM
A man who went for a medical check up was really worried about his results. He couldn’t sleep and when he finally did, the phone rang;
Dr. : Mr. A?
Mr A : Yea.. I have been worried sick. Why haven’t you called?
Dr. : Well, I have some bad news and some really, really bad news…
Mr A : Well, tell me..
Dr. : Your test results showed you have 24 hrs to live. It’s an aggressive infection.
Mr A : If this is bad news, then what is really, really bad news??? It can’t be worse!!!
Dr. : Well, hmm.. I have been trying to contact you since yesterday..
island cassie
02-19-2009, 11:55 PM
CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens
35° Fahrenheit (1..6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt.St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
island cassie
02-19-2009, 11:58 PM
Sorry - I have to censor my next jokes before pos
ting them here - you are such delicate flowers after all!!!
island cassie
02-20-2009, 12:04 AM
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
> >while his wife stayed home.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
> > > 'Dear Lord:
> > > I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
> >merely stays at home.
> > > I want her to know what I go through.
> > > So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
> > >
> > > Amen!'
> > >
> > > God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
> > > The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
> > > He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
> > > Awakened the kids,
> > >
> > > Set out their school clothes,
> > > Fed them breakfast,
> > > Packed their lunches,
> > > Drove them to school,
> > > Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
> > > Took it to the cleaners
> > > And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
> > >
> > > Went grocery shopping,
> > > Then drove home to put away the groceries,
> > >
> > > Paid the bills and balanced the check book..
> > > He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
> > > Then, it was already 01P.M.
> > > And he hurried to make the beds,
> > > Do the laundry, vacuum,
> > > Dust,
> > > And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
> > > Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
> >argument with them on the way home.
> > > Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to
> >do their homework.
> > > Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he
> >did the ironing.
> > > At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables
> >for salad, breaded the pork chops and
> > > snapped fresh beans for supper.
> > >
> > > After supper,
> > > He cleaned the kitchen,
> > > Ran the dishwasher,
> > > Folded laundry,
> > > Bathed the kids,
> > > And put them to bed..
> > > At 09 P.M .
> > > He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
> >finished, he went to bed where he was
> > > expected to make love, which he managed to get through
> >without complaint.
> > >
> > > The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the
> >bed and said: -
> > > 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
> > > I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home
> >all day.
> > > Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
> > > Amen!'
> > >
> > > The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
> > >
> > > 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will
> >be happy to change things back to the way
> > > they were.
> > > You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
> > > You got pregnant last night.'
Tog Tan
02-20-2009, 07:07 AM
A Wife's Prayer
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Lagniappe
02-20-2009, 09:24 AM
Stimulus plan.
lorax
02-20-2009, 10:40 AM
Oh, we're into the oxymorons?
Military Intelligence,
Jumbo Shrimp,
Bargain Dentist
saltydad
02-22-2009, 02:20 PM
Subject: FW: Abby at a loss
<table style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0" width="100%"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0.75pt; width: 99.56%;" valign="top" width="99%"> Letters Dear Abby admitted she was at a loss to answer:
>
>
> Dear Abby:
> A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
>
> Dear Abby:
> What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR?
>
> Dear Abby:
> I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
>
> Dear Abby:
> I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss
money with him.
>
> Dear Abby:
> I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
>
> Dear Abby:
> Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
>
> Dear Abby: (My Favorite)
> I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
>
> Dear Abby:
> My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
>
> Dear Abby:
> You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what?
</td></tr></tbody></table>
(With thanks)
buzzwinder
02-22-2009, 09:29 PM
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is
developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach
our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good resu lts they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he
shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that
little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a b@%ch before he talks
to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become
the Governor of Illinois. :bananas_b
Chironex
02-22-2009, 11:03 PM
That was a good one Bill! Thanks!!! :ha::ha::ha:
mskitty38583
02-22-2009, 11:13 PM
a friend of mine asked me,
what do you do for a cheating spouse....
and i said....
reload.
mskitty38583
02-22-2009, 11:17 PM
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is
developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach
our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good resu lts they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he
shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that
little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a b@%ch before he talks
to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become
the Governor of Illinois. :bananas_b
that was great!
Tog Tan
02-23-2009, 12:01 AM
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
saltydad
02-23-2009, 12:55 AM
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone Has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
5. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana '.
6. Skip Down The Hall Rather Than Walk And See How Many Looks You Get.
7. Order A Diet Water Whenever You Go Out To Eat, With A Serious Face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10 Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You Have A Headache.
11 When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12 When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
saltydad
02-23-2009, 01:00 AM
Subject: a cowboy
A Cowboy named Bud
A cowboy named Bud was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 15 page report on his high-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one,' says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man puts it into his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give it back?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie,'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required,' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
saltydad
02-23-2009, 01:03 AM
AAADD
>
> KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
>
> Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
> Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
>
> Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
> Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
>
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my garden.
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
> I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage,
> I notice mail on the porch table that
> I brought up from the mail box earlier.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys on the table,
> put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
> and notice that the can is full.
>
> So, I decide to put the bills back
> on the table and take out the garbage first.
>
> But then I think,
> since I'm going to be near the mailbox
> when I take out the garbage anyway,
> I may as well pay the bills first.
>
> I take my check book off the table,
> and see that there is only one check left.
> My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
> so I go inside the house to my desk where
> I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my checks,
> but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
> The Pepsi is getting warm,
> and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
> a vase of flowers on the counter
> catches my eye--they need water.
>
> I put the Pepsi on the counter and
> discover my reading g lasses that
> I've been searching for all morning.
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk,
> but first I'm going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the counter,
> fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV
> remote.
> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
> I'll be looking for the remote,
> but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen
> table,
> so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
> but first I'll water the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers,
> but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
>
> So, I set the remote ba ck on the table,
> get some towels and wipe up the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to
> remember what I was planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day:
>
> the car isn't washed
> the bills aren't paid
> there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
> the flowers don't have enough water,
> there is still only 1 check in my check book,
> I can't find the remote,
> I can't find my glasses,
> and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
> I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn
> day,
> and I'm really tired.
>
> I realize this is a serious problem,
> and I'll try to get some help for it,
> but first I'll check my e-mail....
>
> Do me a favor.
> Forward this message to everyone you know,
> because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it
> to.
saltydad
02-23-2009, 01:06 AM
Remember, this is humor, not fact (maybe).
You know you're a nurse when..
1) the front of your scrubs reads 'Nurses... here to
save your ass, not kiss it!'
2) you occasionally park in the space with the
'physicians only' sign... and knock it over.
3) you believe some patients are alive only because it's
illegal to kill them.
4) you recognize that you can't cure stupid.
5) you own at least three pens with the names of
prescription medications on them.
6) you believe there's a special place in hell for the
inventor of the call light.
7) you believe that saying 'it can't get any worse'
causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
8) you wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom.
9) you believe that any job where you can drive to work
in your pajamas is a cool one.
10) you consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
11) eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is
perfectly natural.
12) you've been exposed to so many x-rays that you
consider it a form of birth control.
13) you've ever heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow
ring, and twelve earrings say 'I'm afraid of shots.'
14) you've ever placed a bet
on someone's blood alcohol level.
15) you've told a confused patient that your name is that
of a coworker and to call if they need help.
16) your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank.
17) you have seen more penises than any prostitute could dream of.
18) you believe that not all patients are annoying...
some are unconscious.
19) your family and friends refuse to watch medical
sitcoms with you because you spend the whole time
correcting everyone and pointing out upside down
x-rays.
20) you don't get excited about blood, unless it's your
own.
21) you've sworn to have 'do not resuscitate' tattooed on your chest. Soon.
22) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal
is perfectly normal to you.
23) your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
24) your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift
change.
25) you believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
26) you believe that 'shallow gene pool' should be a
recognized diagnosis.
27) you believe that the government should require
permits to reproduce.
28) you believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone
who utters the phrase 'Wow, it's really quiet, isn't it?
29) you have ever wanted to write a book entitled
'Suicide: getting it right the first time.'
30) you have ever had a patient look you straight in the
eye and say 'I have no idea how that got stuck in there.'
31) you've had to leave a patient's room before
you begin to laugh uncontrollably.
saltydad
02-23-2009, 01:16 AM
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resu
ming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'
Tog Tan
02-23-2009, 04:19 PM
In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at the customer, sitting across the table.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
buzzwinder
02-23-2009, 07:34 PM
Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park,
grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have
kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave
$10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7
A.M."
Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and
told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park
to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she
had
instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note.
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde
would do this to another."
buzzwinder
02-23-2009, 07:46 PM
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
buzzwinder
02-23-2009, 08:32 PM
Don't mess with Smart Women
SPEEDING
A woman is caught speeding on the freeway, and is pulled over by a
traffic cop. He says "Ma'am, you were going 85 miles per hour, can I
see your driver's license?" "I don't have one," says the woman, "it
was revoked for reckless driving." "I see," says the
policeman. "Then will you please show me your vehicle
registration?" "I don't have that either because the car's not
mine," says the woman. "Whose car is it, then?" asks the policeman.
She answers, "It belongs to the man I killed this morning and
chopped up in pieces, put in plastic bags, and loaded into the
trunk. I was just going to dispose of him." The policeman, shocked,
says, "You just stay where you are, I'm calling reinforcements."
Soon the captain comes, and asks the woman, "License please?" The
woman, politely, says, "Certainly, here it is," and hands over her
license. "Can I see the car's registration, please?" asks the
captain, and the woman says, "Certainly," and hands it over to him.
He then asks, "Would you mind if I looked in your trunk?" "Not at
all," says the woman, and pops the trunk. He looks in and it's
empty. "Excuse me," says the captain, "but my officer her told me
you had no license, no vehicle registration, and that you had stolen
the car, killed its owner, cut him into pieces and loaded him in
your trunk!" The woman answered, "Really? I bet the damn liar said I
was speeding, too!"
Chironex
02-23-2009, 09:20 PM
These are great, I intend to get some mileage out of all of them. Keep 'em coming!
Tog Tan
02-24-2009, 09:56 AM
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart
closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied, "I'm a gynaecologist"...:ha:
lorax
02-24-2009, 11:45 AM
A derelict man walks into a bar, goes straight up to the bartender, and says:
"Hey buddy, if I can show you something so amazing that it knocks your socks right off your feet, will you give me that Texas Mickey of Jim Beam you've got up there on the wall?"
And the bartender thinks about it for a few minutes - finally, he figures that there's no way he'll lose this bet, so he says "you're on!"
The man pulls a frog and a rat out of his pocket, and wanders over to the bar's piano. He puts the frog up on the lid, and the rat down by the keys, and these two critters start playing the best jazz the barkeep has ever heard, the rat playing stride piano and the frog singing scat. The bartender, an honourable man, gives the rummy the bottle of Jim, and the man proceeds to get blind drunk.
About three hours later, a record exec walks into the bar and is immediately blown away by the duo of the frog and rat. He asks the barman - "how much for that act? I've gotta have that act!" and the barman points out that the frog and the rat belong to the disreputable and smelly personage currently lying under the bar. So the exec kneels down and shakes the drunk into some sort of consciousness.
"I'll pay you $50,000 for that act!" yells the businessman.
"No dice" says the drunk.
"100,000" - "nope" - "300,000" - "nope"
"OK" says the record exec. "I'll pay you half a million dollars for the frog."
"Deal!" says the drunk, and the exec proceeds to write him out a cheque for the amount, then scoops up the frog and goes giggling out the door.
The barman, astounded, grabs the drunk by the lapels of his grimy suitjacket and hoiks him up to the bar, screaming "how could you possibly split up that act! That was the most amazing act I've ever seen in my life, how could you do it!?!?!?"
And the rummy grins a toothless grin, and says "Itsh ok. The rat.... the rat ish a ventriloquish.."
Patty in Wisc
02-25-2009, 12:12 AM
DARN MEN DRIVERS!!!
I was driving on I 94 today & I looked to my left at another car along side me & there was a male driver looking in his rear view mirror SHAVING! He then swirved a little into my lane & I got so nervous & scared, I dropped my mascara. I then went to get it & spilled some coffee from the cup held between my legs & burnt you-know-what, & then dropped my cell phone into the coffee cup & lost a good conversation I was having.
Those darn men drivers!!
Chironex
02-25-2009, 02:43 AM
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart
closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied, "I'm a gynaecologist"...:ha:
Be happy, he could have been a proctologist!!!
buzzwinder
02-27-2009, 12:33 AM
THE TINY CABIN
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently
transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door. 'Is your father there?' asked the social worker. 'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid. 'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker. 'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid. 'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?' 'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the Outhouse!'
:bananas_b
Tog Tan
02-27-2009, 05:00 AM
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
11 people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men & 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that
one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They
were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very
touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return. (too true!)
As soon
as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping....
Caloosamusa
02-27-2009, 08:12 AM
Tog Tan,
Because they could. When being extracted by helicopter using that method, you hold on mostly with your legs, if not clipped in.
A little scary but very exhilerating!! :2239:
buzzwinder
02-27-2009, 10:15 AM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota con tractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
Tog Tan
02-27-2009, 10:34 AM
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a
tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he
cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you
crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a
golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
Then the Lord retrieved an old axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave
him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home
happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife
along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When
he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA
JOLIE all wet and ultra sexy "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter with a big grin and drooling.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It
is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no'
to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ
.. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come
up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to
ANGELINA JOLIE ."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for
a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -
"WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!" :)
buzzwinder
03-01-2009, 05:21 PM
Subject: Fw: What All Women Want
*King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was
moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him
his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and,
if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question
would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better
than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an
answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the
princ ess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she
would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout
the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he
would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of
the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke
with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's
life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed! and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of
her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had
uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his
freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for
a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight
awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay
before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had
happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so k ind to her when
she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible
deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the
other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful
woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a
hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman
for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
**
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his
question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in
charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
*
*
The moral is.....**
If you don't let a woman have her own way....**
Things are going to get ugly.*
:bananas_b
buzzwinder
03-01-2009, 08:50 PM
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two Black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole,we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of The cows had something white in its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball With my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
I don't remember much after that... :lurk:
buzzwinder
03-01-2009, 08:52 PM
BEST CADDY COMMENTS
# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment.....
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir! :bananas_b
Tog Tan
03-03-2009, 01:13 PM
A golfer got his ball into a patch of buttercups and was thrashing them all up. Mother nature was around at that time and was furious at what this golfer did. She appeared and said loudly, "For this you did to the buttercups, you will NEVER eat butter again!"
Astonished and frightened, he remembered his friend in a similar situation in another part of the course. Quickly he got his cell phone out and called his friend.
"Hey dude where are you?"
"I am here in the area where there's tons of pussywillow..."
Before he could finish the sentence, golfer #1 screamed over the phone, "Whatever you are doing, DON'T HIT ANY OF THE PLANTS!!!"
buzzwinder
03-04-2009, 11:15 PM
For all of those feeling old like myself, a very good friend of mine age 84 sent this e-mail to me!
Scotch With Two Drops of Water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
Hope You Enjoyed these as much as I did!! :bananas_b
saltydad
03-04-2009, 11:41 PM
Keep 'em coming guys.
buzzwinder
03-05-2009, 12:17 AM
Another one from ol' buddy Jimbo!!
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Good Advice: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Tog Tan
03-05-2009, 03:14 AM
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc,.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'.
lorax
03-05-2009, 10:19 AM
A little sparrow, late for the winter migration, was flying along in a snowstorm and froze up, falling to the ground. He lay there freezing for most of the next day, and then a cow came over, and piled upon him a big steaming mound of cowpie.
And the little bird started to thaw out. He was warm, and he felt good. Better than he had all winter. He was so happy that he started singing at the top of his lungs.
The farm cat, hearing this song, went looking for the source, and coming upon the chirping cowpat, he proceeded to dig out the sparrow and eat him.
The moral? Not everyone who gets you into sh*t is your enemy, and not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. And if you're warm and happy, shut the hell up!
Chironex
03-05-2009, 12:26 PM
:ha: So true, Beth!
buzzwinder
03-05-2009, 08:52 PM
Blonde in The Snowstorm
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her snowy situation. She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.
The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Home Depot next.
saltydad
03-06-2009, 04:22 PM
Religion is for people who are afraid of Hell...Spirituality is for people who have already been there.-unknown-
<o:p></o:p>
<table id="EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_mod_EDIMAINTABLE" class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> <table style="width: 100%;" class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in; width: 100%;" width="100%"> The Banana Test http://www.bananas.org/cid:D1DAB279EA864B5B87297218DB476A57@Irene52 (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZKxdm021YYUS) <o:p></o:p>
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, <o:p></o:p>
a Lionhttp://www.bananas.org/cid:D88AFCF83F34482DA90D21D2E77CC487@Irene52 (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZKxdm021YYUS) , a Chimpanzeehttp://www.bananas.org/cid:CACA7F779F8F410C9402ABA20D052B31@Irene52 , a Giraffehttp://www.bananas.org/cid:BD06AD8AEC064979A98E27D3E80AE8C6@Irene52 (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZKxdm021YYUS) , and a Squirrelhttp://www.bananas.org/cid:5EB130F443A64A43B5AA774655FA239E@Irene52 (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZKxdm021YYUS) , who pass by. <o:p></o:p>
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. <o:p></o:p>
Who do you guess will win? <o:p></o:p>
Your answer will reflect your personality. <o:p></o:p>
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds <o:p></o:p>
Got your answer? <o:p></o:p>
Now scroll down to see the analysis. <o:p></o:p>
</td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table>
saltydad
03-06-2009, 04:23 PM
If your answer is: <o:p></o:p>
Lion = you're dull. <o:p></o:p>
Chimpanzee = you're a moron. <o:p></o:p>
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot. <o:p></o:p>
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid. <o:p></o:p>
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS. <o:p></o:p>
Obviously you're stressed and overworked. <o:p></o:p>
You should take some time off and relax! <o:p></o:p>
Try again next year. <o:p></o:p>
yeah, I fell for it too
yeah, I fell for it too
Guess that makes me sucker#2
lorax
03-07-2009, 10:18 AM
In the same vein.
How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
If you answered "Open the door and put in the elephant" then congratulations.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Now, think hard. How do you put a lion in the refrigerator?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
If you answered "Open the door and put the lion in" you're a moron.
You have to take the elephant out of the fridge first.
Patty in Wisc
03-07-2009, 11:01 AM
How do you know a elephant's been in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.
Tog Tan
03-07-2009, 11:07 AM
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and with a serious look, said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
saltydad
03-07-2009, 11:59 AM
9 Months Later...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my
house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.'We'll
be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'The
lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared,and
they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected
letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to
figure it out,but he finally determined that it was
from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met
on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and
asked,'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead
of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm
afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different,
didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that
smile for the rest of
the day!
buzzwinder
03-08-2009, 10:35 PM
Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.' Ole got kind of puzzled by this an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three babies home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try? Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?' Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a damn good ting I didn't get the WD-40.
Tog Tan
03-09-2009, 09:20 AM
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Tog Tan
03-10-2009, 05:16 AM
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, 'Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt while you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the 3rd ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.'
lorax
03-10-2009, 09:00 AM
I see, said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
saltydad
03-10-2009, 03:39 PM
WARNING
DON"T READ BEFORE EATING
Cowboy Chili
A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga, Wyoming.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his
arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't
gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young
wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you
go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl
over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets
0A
nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the
chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs
up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
saltydad
03-10-2009, 03:40 PM
Subject: A tap on the shoulder
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. For the last 25 years, I've been driving a hearse."
saltydad
03-10-2009, 03:40 PM
Subject:
The next morning
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and
very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa..
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave
in the
morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was
$10.00, not $110.00.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
saltydad
03-10-2009, 03:41 PM
Don't Kill the Messenger!
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
http://www.bananas.org/cid:786E29E3C293474E859F7D42E72CDB62@jamesjudy
But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.
The End
saltydad
03-10-2009, 03:42 PM
Subject: Two Older Ladies In The Park-
<table style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0.75pt 75pt 0.75pt 0.75pt; width: 99.38%;" valign="top" width="99%"> http://www.bananas.org/cid:CB1556085B064F10B30DD17222C0E53D@jamesjudy
T wo Little Old Ladies
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring.
We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off And streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show..
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'
</td></tr></tbody></table>
buzzwinder
03-11-2009, 09:54 PM
Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two..."doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!" :bananas_b
Tog Tan
03-12-2009, 11:43 AM
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
john_ny
03-12-2009, 05:32 PM
Why didn't Moses bring sardines into the ark?
saltydad
03-12-2009, 05:39 PM
?
lorax
03-12-2009, 06:05 PM
lol! He didn't have to.
saltydad
03-12-2009, 11:23 PM
:o Duh!
Tog Tan
03-13-2009, 06:25 AM
An very attractive woman and a man are involved in a car accident on
a snowy, cold Monday morning.
It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman calmly says,
"So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we Should meet
and be friends and Live together in peace for
the rest of our days."
Flattered by such a beautiful woman, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with
you completely, This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's
another miracle. My Car is completely demolished
but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and
drinks half the bottle and then hands it back
to the woman. The woman suggests he should finish it.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait
for the police....
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women, Don't mess with them.
john_ny
03-13-2009, 08:59 AM
Noah had the ark, not Moses.
Tog Tan
03-13-2009, 01:57 PM
Noah had the ark, not Moses.
Definitely not a Chinese! God had to ensure the continuity of the species. If a Chinese family had been given the job, they would have stewed, stir fried, deep fried, steamed, roasted, souped, sauteed, double boiled, sauced everything on board. In other words, cooked every animal every possible way! Then the Ark would have landed with one very big family of happily well fed Chinese.
There's a saying among the Chinese that it's not because God love us so much, he made so many of us. It's because we ate everything with it's back to the sun and became strong and multiplied! :ha::ha::ha:
Ps; Everything is eaten at a Chinese dinner except the chairs and the table!:ha::ha::ha::ha::ha:
Chironex
03-14-2009, 02:21 PM
Definitely not a Chinese! God had to ensure the continuity of the species. If a Chinese family had been given the job, they would have stewed, stir fried, deep fried, steamed, roasted, souped, sauteed, double boiled, sauced everything on board. In other words, cooked every animal every possible way! Then the Ark would have landed with one very big family of happily well fed Chinese.
There's a saying among the Chinese that it's not because God love us so much, he made so many of us. It's because we ate everything with it's back to the sun and became strong and multiplied! :ha::ha::ha:
Ps; Everything is eaten at a Chinese dinner except the chairs and the table!:ha::ha::ha::ha::ha:
Sounds good to me! I'm in.
Chironex
03-15-2009, 06:12 PM
A guy walks into a costume party with a woman on his back. After a few strange looks, another perplexed party-goer stops to ask him, "Excuse me, but what type of costume are you wearing? You have a woman on your back."
The man replies, "I am a snail."
Still perplexed, the man points at his back and asks, " A snail? You just have a woman on your back."
The man smiles and says, "That's no ordinary woman, that's Michelle!"
Chironex
03-15-2009, 06:15 PM
New strain of social disease: gonorrhea lectum.
island cassie
03-15-2009, 08:20 PM
Scot - Michelle!! that's a hoot!
island cassie
03-15-2009, 09:02 PM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight
started...
=======================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want
something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
================================================================ ===
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her someplace expensive... so, I took
her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
================================================================ =====
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman
behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my
pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your
shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly
told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
===============================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I kept staring at a
drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
============================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a
DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car,
looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM
NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him
and said, 'Well, then which one are
you?'
And then the fight started...
island cassie
03-15-2009, 09:05 PM
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in n heaven,' says the
senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and h e finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter
is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented so uls
moving from cloud to clo u d, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubho use, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank c ha mpagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning..
..
Today you voted.'
island cassie
03-15-2009, 09:09 PM
Why parents drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes.'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No .'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME .'
island cassie
03-15-2009, 09:15 PM
Writer Dave Barry does it again... read it and weep; I did!
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me
in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully,
but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
was shr ieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large
enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later;
for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands
of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance wit h my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then in the
evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a
one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar
with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink
the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I
am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a
hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense
of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may
result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish
the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at
which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my
wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do
you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel
even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
Movi Prep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then
I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot
tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There
was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by
ABBA . I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during
this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I
said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you,
in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down
at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent
when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the
Miami Herald.
island cassie
03-15-2009, 09:19 PM
Why do we love children?
>>>
>>>
>>> 1) NUDITY
>>> I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
>>> evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood
>>> up and waved.
>>> She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I
>>> heard my
>>> 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady
>>> isn't wearing a
>>> seat belt!'
>>>
>>>
>>> 2) OPINIONS
>>> On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
>>> teacher a
>>> note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions
>>> expressed by this
>>> child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
>>>
>>>
>>> 3) KETCHUP
>>> A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
>>> During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
>>> 4-year-old daughter
>>> to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the
>>> phone to talk to you
>>> right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
>>>
>>>
>>> 4) MORE NUDITY
>>> A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
>>> women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room
>>> burst into shrieks,
>>> with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The
>>> little boy
>>> watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the
>>> matter, haven't you
>>> ever seen a little boy before?'
>>>
>>> 5) POLICE # 1
>>> While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
>>> school,
>>> I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
>>> Looking up and
>>> down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
>>> Yes,' I answered and
>>> continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever
>>> needed help I
>>> should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes,
>>> that's right,' I told her.
>>> 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot
>>> toward me, 'would you
>>> please tie my shoe?'
>>>
>>>
>>> 6) POLICE # 2
>>> It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
>>> front
>>> of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
>>> partner, Jake, was
>>> barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is
>>> that a dog you
>>> got back there?' he asked.
>>> 'It sure is,' I replied.
>>> Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of
>>> the
>>> van.
>>> Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
>>>
>>> 7) ELDERLY
>>> While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
>>> elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on
>>> my afternoon
>>> rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various
>>> appliances of old
>>> age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One
>>> day I found
>>> her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
>>> As I braced
>>> myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
>>> turned and
>>> whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe
>>> this!'
>>>
>>> 8) DRESS-UP
>>> A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
>>> When
>>> she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy,
>>> you shouldn't
>>> wear that suit.'
>>> 'And why not, darling?'
>>> 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next
>>> morning.'
>>>
>>> 9) DEATH
>>> While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
>>> our
>>> minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made
>>> his collar
>>> wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had
>>> found a dead
>>> robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
>>> had secured
>>> a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made
>>> ready for the
>>> disposal of the deceased.
>>> The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate
>>> prayers and
>>> with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he
>>> thought his father
>>> always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the
>>> Sonnn, and into
>>> the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my
>>> funeral!)
>>>
>>> 10) SCHOOL
>>> A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
>>> 'I'm
>>> just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I
>>> can't read, I can't
>>> write, and they won't let me talk!'
>>>
>>> 11) BIBLE
>>> A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
>>> fascinated as
>>> he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell
>>> out of the
>>> Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he
>>> saw was an
>>> old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
>>> 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
>>> 'What have you got there, dear?'
>>> With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
>>> answered, 'I
>>> think it's Adam's underwear!'
>>>
>>> NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED
>>> AND FORGET
>>> IT.
island cassie
03-15-2009, 09:24 PM
Hello and thank you for calling the Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done .....Your turn :-)
Chironex
03-15-2009, 09:48 PM
Great stuff Cassie!
island cassie
03-15-2009, 09:50 PM
Haha!! I'm done for now!
island cassie
03-15-2009, 09:56 PM
one more - this brought a tear to my eye I have to confess!
YouTube - Louis Armstrong - What a Wonderful World (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rooyt3ptNco&feature=email)
saltydad
03-15-2009, 10:37 PM
ubject: A Senior Moment (UNCLASSIFIED)
> Senior Moment - Beautiful
>
> Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches
> at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwarded the following
letter.
>
> The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had
> sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received
a new
>
radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This
> story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who
might
> need a lift today.
>
>
> Dear Kean Elementary:
>
> God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
> citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger
Home
> for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and
it's
> nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your
kindness
> to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own
> radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to
hers,
> even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the
nightstand
> and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She
asked
> if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
>
> Thank you for that opportunity.
>
> Sincerely,
> Edna
>
saltydad
03-15-2009, 10:46 PM
THE DENTIST
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet.."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagraworked as a pain killer!
"It doesn't," said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to Hold
onto when I pull your tooth.
saltydad
03-15-2009, 10:47 PM
Sex, Church & Pancakes
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity.'
The=2
0man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No ****?'
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor..
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
lorax
03-16-2009, 01:34 AM
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend....
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
saltydad
03-19-2009, 03:28 PM
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
saltydad
03-19-2009, 03:29 PM
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch out for that wall!'
saltydad
03-19-2009, 03:57 PM
YouTube - Calling 911 Fail (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oryNraxLvbE)
Chironex
03-19-2009, 05:11 PM
Sheesh!
Tog Tan
03-19-2009, 05:28 PM
Mexican Death Penalty
Three women went down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got very drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw ! the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
buzzwinder
03-20-2009, 09:51 PM
A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet.
His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So
She Goes
In To See What's Up.
The Little Boy Is Gripping On To The Toilet Seat With His
Left Hand And
Hitting Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.
His Mother Says: "billy, Are You Alright? You've
Been In Here For Awhile."
Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy. I Just Haven't
Gone 'doody' Yet."
Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More
Minutes.
But, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The
Head?"
Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."
Tog Tan
03-23-2009, 12:42 PM
1.It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with
you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t know each other.
Patty in Wisc
03-26-2009, 05:12 PM
I hope this posts OK. It's a youtube old Art Linkletters' "Kids Say The Darndest Things"
Kids Say The Darndest Things Art Linkletter 1959 (http://carolynspreciousmemories.com/Videos/kids_artlinkletter.html)
Scot mentioned this awhile ago.
Caloosamusa
03-27-2009, 07:40 AM
:2200:Tog Tan, I have all four in one!!! I am truly blessed!!!:2239:
Tog Tan
03-27-2009, 10:43 AM
:2200:Tog Tan, I have all four in one!!! I am truly blessed!!!:2239:
Hey Ken, looks like we can't top that, can we? Congrats! :drum:
Darn, no wonder I am still a single mean bum...:ha:
bencelest
03-27-2009, 11:06 AM
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to
more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this problem,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva,
if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to
their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied
and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and,
knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King,
and with a laugh told him to get lost!
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story..........
Pay your bills.
Tog Tan
03-27-2009, 12:31 PM
The Presidential entourage was on their campaign tour and their plane crashed in a remote place.
A farmer saw the crash and rushed to the scene and he buried them all.
Few days later, the police finally reached the site and found the farmer and asked where all the politicians were;
Police Chief : "Have they all died?"
Farmer : " Hmmm, but the President was screaming like hell that he is still alive when I buried him"
Police Chief : "Why on earth did you bury him?"
Farmer: "C'mon, how can I believe him, everyone knows he never tells the truth"
john_ny
03-27-2009, 02:35 PM
Beginning (http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7777/Beginning.htm)
Tog Tan
03-28-2009, 08:42 AM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
saltydad
03-28-2009, 10:47 PM
Subject: Men v women<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Male or Female?<o:p></o:p>
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you =0 D can see right through them...<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. <o:p></o:p>
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over <o:p></o:p>
Inflated<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go <o:p></o:p>
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain <o:p></o:p>
water.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently <o:p></o:p>
getting hit on.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for <o:p></o:p>
picking up people.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight <o:p></o:p>
shifts to the bottom.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed <o:p></o:p>
at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, <o:p></o:p>
but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without <o:p></o:p>
it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just <o:p></o:p>
keeps trying.<o:p></o:p>
bencelest
03-28-2009, 11:50 PM
A GENEROUS MAN
A wife comes home early one day and finds her husband in their bed making love to a beautiful, sexy young woman. "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me your faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"
The husband replies, "Just wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"Hmmmmm, I don't know. Well, okay, but it'll be the last thing I ever want to hear from you. Make it fast, you lying, cheating dog!"
The husband begins to tell his story:
"While I was driving home, this woman stopped me and asked me for a ride.
She was so young and defenseless that I went ahead and let her in the car.
I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten in three days. With great compassion and caring I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight. The poor thing devoured them. Since she was very dirty, I asked her if she'd like to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and full of holes, so I threw them away. Since she then needed some clothes, I gave her a pair of jeans you've had for a few years and can no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse I gave you on our Anniversary that you won't wear because you think I don't have goo d taste.
I gave her the pullover my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bug my sister and I also gave her the boots you bought at that expensive boutique and have worn only once after seeing one of your co-workers wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story. . "The young woman was very grateful to me and as we were walking to the door she suddenly stopped and turned to me, tears streaming down her face, and said, 'Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?' "
bencelest
03-28-2009, 11:55 PM
The
Range
Of
8
Inches
Long.
The Functioning Of Which Is
Enjoyed
By
Members
Of
Both
Sexes.
Is
Usually Found Hung, Dangling Ready
Loosley
For
Instant
Action.
It Boasts Of A Clump Of
Little
Hairy
Things
At
One
End
And
Small
Hole At The Other. In Use, It
Is
Inserted,
Almost
Always
Willingly, Sometimes Slowly,
Sometimes
Quickly,
Into
A
Warm,
Fleshy, Moist Opening Where
It
Is
Thrust
In
And
Drawn
Out
Again
And Again Many Times In
Succession,
Often
Quickly
And
Accompanied By Squirming Bodily Movements.
Anyone
Found
Listening In Will Most Surely
Recognize
The
Rhythmic,
Pulsing
Sound, Resulting From The
Well
Lubricated
Movements.
When
Finally Withdrawn, It Leaves
Behind
A
Juicy,
Frothy,
White
Sticky
Substance, Some Of Which Will
Need
Cleaning From
The
Outer
Surfaces Of The Opening And
Some
Of
From
Its
Long
Glistening
Shaft. After Everything Is
Done
And
The
Flowing
And
Cleansing
Liquids Have Ceased
Emanating,
It
Is
Returned
To
Its
Freely
Hanging State Of Rest, Ready
Yet
For
Another
Bit
Of
Action,
Hopefully Reaching Its
Bristling
Climax
Twice
Or
Three
Times A
Day, But Often Much Less.
What Am I???????
As You May Have Already
Guessed,
The
Answer !
To
The
Riddle
Is
None Other Than Your Very Own..........
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
Toothbrush
Tog Tan
03-29-2009, 11:09 AM
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Lexus convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Lexus, looked at the old man, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, it's Friday and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused........ Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
buzzwinder
03-29-2009, 11:37 AM
Meeting St. Peter
Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."
"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."
The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."
"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."
The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."
"Very good!" said St. Peter.
The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted!
Tog Tan
03-29-2009, 11:42 AM
The Prime Minister of a country wish to enhance his reputation
by publishing a series of stamps with his portraits
1 month after the launch, he surveys the sales;
Post Office Chief: "not bad... but quite number of complaints that the glue is not strong enough"
President : "really...?" He spits at the back of the stamp and sticks the stamp on an envelope, "the glue is ok"
Post Office Chief : "but... every one spits on the face of the stamp ...."
Patty in Wisc
03-29-2009, 01:31 PM
What do you call a smart blonde?
>A golden retriever.
>
>What do attorneys use for birth control?
>Their personalities.
>
>What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
>45 lbs.
>
>What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
>45 minutes.
>
>What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
>Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>
>Why do men want to marry virgins?
>They can't stand criticism.
>
>Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
>and good-looking?
>Because those men already have boyfriends.
bencelest
03-29-2009, 03:58 PM
Fw: $10 a Pill
> >Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa
> >found
>
> >a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using
> >one
> >of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;
>they're
>
> >very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a
> >pill,"Answered the son.
> >"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
>
> >leave in the morning,
> >I"ll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son
>found
>
> >$110.00 under
> >the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was
> >$10.00,
> >not $110.00. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma.
bencelest
03-29-2009, 04:41 PM
April Fool's Day
>
>THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT
>
>Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
>
>Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
>
>Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your
>own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
>
>Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in
>my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
>evening, when a young man comes creeping
>up on the porch and sat down beside me.
>
>Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
>
>Lttle Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
>
>Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
>
>Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
>
>Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
>
>Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
>
>Defense Attorney: Why not?
>
>Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done
>that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
>
>Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>
>Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
>
>Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
>
>Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
>
>Defense Attorney: Why not?
>
>Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all
>alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
>
>Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>
>Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling
>so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
>"Take me, young man. Take me!"
>
>Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
>
>Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled,
> "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Caloosamusa
03-29-2009, 08:17 PM
Patty and Bencelest, :-) !!!!! :ha: :2239:
Tog Tan
03-30-2009, 02:37 AM
Romance
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: 'You used to hold my hand when we were courting.' Wearily he
reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to
sleep.. A few moments later she said: 'Then you used to kiss me.'
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: 'Then you used to bite my
Neck.' Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
'Where are you going?' she asked.
To get my teeth....
buzzwinder
03-30-2009, 03:38 PM
Roping A Deer
(Names have been removed to protect the stupid!)
Actual letter from someone who farms, has an education, and writes well!
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a
stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it
and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I
figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do
not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold
one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed
while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should
not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over
its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it
home. I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end
with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing
before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I
picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the
feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and
stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and
twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just
stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step
towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension
on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just
stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are
spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a
LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that
weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some
dignity. A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There
was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to
it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me
across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a
rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally
imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as
much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as
quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get
up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly
blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my
head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-
fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off
the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its
neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that
deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would
venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I
had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head
against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground,
I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a
small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a
squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I
could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a
million years would have thought that a deer would bite
somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up
there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my
wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like
being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let
go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost
like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The
proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze
and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking
instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like
the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was
likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that
claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing
the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand andpulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear
right up on their back feet and strike right about head
and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly
sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --
like a horse -- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't
get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud
noise and make an aggressive move towards the
animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so
you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a
deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the
course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I
screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run
from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance
that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer
may not be so different from horses after all, besides being
twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned
to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me
down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that
the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your
back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there
crying like a little girl and covering your head. I
finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went
away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle
with a scope to sort of even the odds.
lorax
03-30-2009, 05:06 PM
This didn't happen to you, by chance, Bill?
Obviously the way to rope a deer or any other large ungulent is by the LEGS, not by the NECK. Jeez.
buzzwinder
03-30-2009, 05:42 PM
No it wasn't me! A friend sent that to me, he lives in the countryside and has deer in his yard all the time, we used to joke about catching one and fattening it up for the freezer. :bananas_b
bencelest
03-30-2009, 11:55 PM
Bull breeding
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last
year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He
mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a ;sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said, "That's once a day You could REALLY ;learn&nb sp;something from this
one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
with the same cow?"
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and he should eventually make a full recovery just in time
for the divorce proceedings.
No it wasn't me! A friend sent that to me, he lives in the countryside and has deer in his yard all the time, we used to joke about catching one and fattening it up for the freezer. :bananas_b
Cornfed's overrated anyway!
Caloosamusa
03-31-2009, 01:37 PM
Tog Tan, Buzzwinder, and Bencelest, Very Good!:ha::ha::ha: :-) !!!:2239:
bencelest
04-01-2009, 01:15 AM
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and smoke when it
starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
bencelest
04-01-2009, 01:28 AM
Double Dose?
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double
dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a
double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
" Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the
doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on
Friday; my ex-wife will
be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on
Sunday. Can't you see? I
must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give
it to you, but
You have to come in on Monday morning so that I can
check you to see If
there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm
in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up".
island cassie
04-01-2009, 09:36 PM
Alberta Poem
It's Winter In Alberta
And The Gentle Breezes Blow
Seventy Miles An Hour
At Thirty-five Below
Oh How I Love Alberta
When The Snow's Up To Your Butt
You Take A Breath Of Winter Air
And Your Nose Gets Frozen Shut
Yes, The Weather Here Is Wonderful
So I Guess I'll Hang Around
I Could Never Leave Alberta
Cause I'm Frozen To The Ground!!
lorax
04-01-2009, 10:39 PM
So true. So very true.
Have you ever been? It's where I grew up, and I am not sorry to have put it behind me.
Tog Tan
04-02-2009, 12:52 PM
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
'Who was that?'
'It was Bob, the next-door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great!' the husband says. 'Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
saltydad
04-02-2009, 01:08 PM
Bad Domain Names
All of these are companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread...
1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
Contact Celebrity Agents Lawyers Managers and Publicists - WhoRepresents?com - WhoRepresentscelebrity?com (http://www.whorepresents.com/)
2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at
domain disabled (http://www.expertsexchange.com/)
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
Welcome to Pen Island! The best pens on the internet! (http://www.penisland.net/)
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
Find a Therapist, Counseling Services, Marriage and Family Therapy Directory (http://www.therapistfinder.com/)
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
www.powergenitalia.com (http://www.powergenitalia.com/)
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
molestationnursery.com (http://www.molestationnursery.com/)
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
ipanywhere.com (http://www.ipanywhere.com/)
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
Cumming First (http://www.cummingfirst.com/)
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
Speed of Art website of Nigel Talamo (http://www.speedofart.com/)
Tog, thought I asked you not to tell!
Tog Tan
04-02-2009, 01:55 PM
Tog, thought I asked you not to tell!
Tis the last time I am gonna lend you any $:ha::ha::ha:
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then go ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Well, did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're living with two whores and a homo.'
Tog Tan
04-02-2009, 03:14 PM
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager were walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two idiots back in the office after lunch.'
buzzwinder
04-02-2009, 08:54 PM
KITTENS
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Chironex
04-02-2009, 09:18 PM
Haha! Cute!
Richard
04-02-2009, 09:28 PM
New dog breeds:
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + ****zu = Bull ****zu, a gregarious but unreliable breed
buzzwinder
04-02-2009, 10:05 PM
LIFE SPANS
God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone that comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?" God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?" God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?" God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years." But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So, that's why, for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Tog Tan
04-03-2009, 07:34 AM
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one night with the lights off when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving past the small of her neck.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost position on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by his caressing, she asked in a soft sexy voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"
He said, "I found the remote."
THEN; the remote was smashed, the TV was smashed and his face was smashed......
bencelest
04-03-2009, 09:06 AM
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "! You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Thought for the day
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
buzzwinder
04-03-2009, 09:10 PM
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
Tog Tan
04-04-2009, 09:41 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were sleeping in the prairie after a long day of chasing some bad guys.
In a rasp voice Tonto said, "Kemosabe, wake up! You see the sky? Do you know what it means?"
Lone Ranger ; "Tonto, it means that such is God's great creation for mankind. Even in troubled times you can see such a beautiful display of heavenly lights. God has not forgotten to let us have peace even when we are troubled. God has..."
Tonto : "Shut the @#$#@ up you idiot, it means someone has stolen our tent!!!$#@#%@"
Caloosamusa
04-04-2009, 09:57 AM
:ha:Richard, Buzzwinder, Tog Tan, Bencelest, Very Good!!! :ha::ha::ha: x 2 ^10!!!:2239:
Is it me or are ther a lot of Bobs in these jokes?
Tog Tan
04-04-2009, 11:03 AM
Is it me or are ther a lot of Bobs in these jokes?
Bob, thanks for bringing this up. From now on, I will make it a point to Bob every main character in all my future posts.
I hope you will receive extra 'naner Buck$ for it. Being a good friend, it's the least I can do to increase your fortune in this economical downtime. :ha:
Lagniappe
04-04-2009, 11:19 AM
Bill Gates, The Dalai Lama, President Obama, and Bob were on a plane.
The captain announced that [the plane] was going down, and there were only 5 chutes,Two of which were for him and the co-pilot, so they would need to work out the logistics between themselves.
Bill Gates stood, grabbed a chute and said "I'm the smartest man in the world and the world needs me", then jumped. President Obama grabbed one and said "I'm the leader of the greatest nation on earth, I'm needed as well" and jumped.
The dalai lama said to Bob " Bob,my friend, I have lived many years and wil come back to live another fruitful life. You are still young and have many roads to travel. I want you to take the last chute." To this Bob replied "Don't sweat it, dude, the smartest man in the world just jumped with my back pack ".
saltydad
04-06-2009, 02:29 PM
Never count out the 'aged'-lol!!!
An elderly man in Illinois had owned a farm for
many Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
Shawn fixed it up nice with pic nic tables,
and some apple, and peach trees
One evening old Shawn decided to go down to the pond, as he Hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As Shawn neared the pond, he heard voices laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' Shawn frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to
feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
saltydad
04-06-2009, 02:31 PM
A mother
is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
saltydad
04-06-2009, 02:34 PM
Church Humor
little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly by "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
______________________________
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
______________________________
A 6-year-old was overheard reciti
ng the Lord's Prayer at a church
service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
______________________________
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
______________________________
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
______________________________
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
______________________________
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
______________________________
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you=2 0 say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."
______________________________
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
______________________________
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
Bob, thanks for bringing this up. From now on, I will make it a point to Bob every main character in all my future posts.
I hope you will receive extra 'naner Buck$ for it. Being a good friend, it's the least I can do to increase your fortune in this economical downtime. :ha:
I'll take all the help I can get!
Tog Tan
04-06-2009, 03:19 PM
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
Bob was stalking around with a fly swatter in the kitchen. Just then his wife came in.
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
Bob responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
Bob responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
buzzwinder
04-06-2009, 10:34 PM
Another one from my 85 year old buddy Jimbo!
A Senior Wedding
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass Wright's Pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:"Are you the Pharmacist?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes.
"Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?
"Pharmacist: "Of course we do.
"Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?
"Pharmacist: "All kinds.
"Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?
"Pharmacist: "Definitely.
"Jacob: "How about Viagra?
"Pharmacist: "Of course.
"Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?
"Pharmacist: '"Yes, a large variety. The works.
"Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"Pharmacist: "Absolutely."Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?
"Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.
"Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
:bananas_b
Tog Tan
04-06-2009, 10:59 PM
An old man, Mr. Bob, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Bob. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Bob. Please accept my condolences. '
The following day, Mr. Bob was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Bob!,' she said, 'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Bob.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.’
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
island cassie
04-09-2009, 09:05 PM
Sorry for the delay in replying Lorax - no, I have never been to Alberta but I bet it is beautiful!
lorax
04-09-2009, 09:17 PM
Yup. For about 6 weeks in July and August, Alberta is beautiful. But only if you have a full-body mosquito suit. Without it, it's torture.
Richard
04-09-2009, 10:14 PM
Yup. For about 6 weeks in July and August, Alberta is beautiful. But only if you have a full-body mosquito suit. Without it, it's torture.
During the Alberta centennial celebration, I spent 2 weeks in the Jasper and Banff recreation areas in the first part of June. My wife and I took many a hike in those areas. I took several solo hikes too, and my wife and daughter went horseback riding. I sprayed myself with mosquito repellent twice per day -- using the non-DET formula made from pig skin oil. I had no bites.
saltydad
04-11-2009, 03:16 PM
Hypnotism at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude, the hypnotist, exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude, the hypnotist, said: "I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor shattering into a hundred pieces.
"****!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
saltydad
04-11-2009, 03:36 PM
Wrong E-Mail Address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16 , 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
lorax
04-11-2009, 04:48 PM
During the Alberta centennial celebration, I spent 2 weeks in the Jasper and Banff recreation areas in the first part of June. My wife and I took many a hike in those areas. I took several solo hikes too, and my wife and daughter went horseback riding. I sprayed myself with mosquito repellent twice per day -- using the non-DET formula made from pig skin oil. I had no bites.
You were in Jasper and Banff, both towns that have good winds to blow the worst of the bugs away. I defy you to do the same thing in the Joussard / Swan Hills area!
This said, nothing holds a candle to Northern Ontario when it comes to bugs that will eat you alive. I went riding with my grampa into blackfly territory and when we came back it looked like we'd been to war - covered in blood and scabs.
---
Black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario
'Twas early in the spring when I decided to go
for to work up in the woods in North Ontario
The unemployment office said they'd send me through
to the Little Abitibi with the survey crew
And the black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario
Now then Black Toby was the captain of the crew
he said, "I'm gonna tell ya boys what we're gonna do.
The wanna build a power dam, we must find a way
for to make the Little Ab flow around the other way."
So we survey'd to the east survey'd to the west
Couldn't make our mind up how to do it best
Little Ab, Little Ab, what shall I do?
I'm all but going crazy with the survey crew.
And the black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario
Now the bull cook's name was Blind River Joe
If it hadn'ta been for him we'da never pulled through
He bound our bruises and he kidded us for fun
He lathered us with bacon grease and balsam gum
And the black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario
Twas black fly black fly everywhere
Crawlin' in your whiskers and a-crawlin' in your hair
They're swimmin' in the soup, swimmin' in the tea
Oh the devil take the black fly and let me be
And the black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario
At last the job was over; Black Toby said we're through
With the Little Abitibi and the survey crew
Twas a wonderful experience and this I know
I'll never go again to North Ontario
Where the black fly, the little black fly
always the black fly, no matter where you go
I'll die with the black fly pickin' my bones
in North Ontario
in North Ontario
Chironex
04-11-2009, 05:35 PM
Hypnotism at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude, the hypnotist, exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude, the hypnotist, said: "I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor shattering into a hundred pieces.
"****!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
OMG, rotflmfao!!!!! Funny stuff! The second one was also hilarious! Thanks I needed a good laugh!
Richard
04-11-2009, 05:43 PM
You were in Jasper and Banff, both towns that have good winds to blow the worst of the bugs away.
Actually I was in the national parks, going into the town of Jasper twice and into the towns of Banff and Lake Louise once. But you are correct -- there is a steady breeze throughout those regions.
I defy you to do the same thing in the Joussard / Swan Hills area!
No thanks! Nor will you get me up to Fort MacKay unless we're taking the ice route to Chipewyan.
lorax
04-11-2009, 07:35 PM
Not to mention Tuktoyaktuk in the spring. I still have the heebity geebities about the skeeters there.
Beth and Richard, have you evr heard that mega doses of B12 thiamine would keep the blackflies off of you? I was always told this but never had to use it since I only visit Maine and Canada when its cold (Hunting and fishing seasons).
lorax
04-12-2009, 12:33 PM
Lies! Dirty lies! And you smell like a multivitamin while you're getting bitten. No thanks. The most effective thing I ever found was to consume massive quantities of green (raw) asparagus and apply patchouli oil liberally. You stink like a hippy, but not a single bite (except spiders, and that's because I sat on them.)
Chironex
04-12-2009, 12:38 PM
Were you eating curds and whey, whilst sitting upon a tuffet?
lorax
04-12-2009, 12:42 PM
Nope. Lactose intolerant and tuffetphobic.
Chironex
04-12-2009, 12:45 PM
Nope. Lactose intolerant and tuffetphobic.
Quite a combo, not to mention the affect of asparagus on the odor of other bodily functions. Ewwww! :ha:
lorax
04-12-2009, 12:49 PM
Oh, real nice, Scot. Real nice. I'm the kind of person that just attracts skeeters and other biting bugs, like moths to a candleflame. I'll put up with the smell of L-asparagine because it's effective for me. I don't put up with people who tell me I stink, though. I breathe my garlic breath all over 'em.
Tog Tan
04-12-2009, 12:55 PM
Thread Wreck! Caught you 2 plus Bob, all acting innocent!
To keep bugs. 'quitos off you, grab a bunch of Neem, Azadiractha indica, leaves, rub/squash it all up and then rub all over yourself plus your clothes. Doesn't smell bad, just a dose of chlorophyll and them critters will keep off ya. Proven.
Chironex
04-12-2009, 12:58 PM
Wouldn't I have to go into the woods to get Azadiractha indica? Mine isn't in bloom yet.
Chironex
04-12-2009, 12:59 PM
The bananaeers strike again!
Tog Tan
04-12-2009, 01:02 PM
Wouldn't I have to go into the woods to get Azadiractha indica? Mine isn't in bloom yet.
Oi, all ya need are the leaves, what bloom?
Chironex
04-12-2009, 01:05 PM
Oi, all ya need are the leaves, what bloom?
Heck, I wouldn't know what it is if I sat on it - spiders or not!
Tog Tan
04-12-2009, 01:22 PM
Heck, I wouldn't know what it is if I sat on it - spiders or not!
The Neem tree, Azadiractha indica, has been used in the ayuverdic medicine in India for thousands of years. Google it and it will freak you out on the sites about it.
It is basically used as a cleanser for the toxins of the liver. The natives use the leaves and the oil extracted from the seeds in many ways. The oil is a great insect repellent even for plants but you have to mix it with dilute detergent in order for it to adhere to the leaf.
It was also use as a birth control in the past (PM me for application:ha:) as it is highly spermicidal.
Great for migraine, high blood pressure, diabetes and 'heatyness' which is basically high acidity in the body. It is also a great booster when you are about to get flu.
Sheesh, all these have been proven time and again. I take the Neem tea which is super bitter. How do you think I didn't die yesterday from smoking so many cgrs a day?
Howard, sorry for the Thread Wreck, you are invited you know since you have an open invite to join us. On the other hand we are loading up your 'naner bucks here for you. :ha:
Chironex
04-12-2009, 01:28 PM
I know about neem oil, but didn't bother to look up the genus and species. Yeah that stuff reeks, but it works eh? (Beth's canuck must be rubbing off on me, eh?) I bought a 2-3 ounces bottle of the oil. I read all kinds of things about it, but does it work? I suppose I need the leaves to make tea or any of the other beneficial things. The oil seems useless. I bought it as an insect repellent for my plants.
saltydad
04-12-2009, 04:50 PM
http://playshubox.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/train-wreck1.jpg
LOL!
lorax
04-13-2009, 12:43 AM
Ok, having derailed this thread, I'm going to re-rail it.
A Rabbi, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and the Archbishop of Canterbury are playing golf and betting heavily on the outcome of the game. At the 18th hole, the Dalai Lama says "well, guys, this has been fun. Since we're all men of God, let's donate whatever we win from each other to charity to help alleviate the suffering of our fellow beings." The other three agree heartily. They finish the game, exchange cash, and the Dalai Lama goes off to give his share to feed starving children.
The argument breaks out when the Rabbi, the Pope, and the Archbishop are trying to figure out what percentage to give to their charities.
The Pope says "let's draw a circle on the ground, throw our money high up in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle we give to the church."
The Archbishop says "I like that idea, but I think that whatever lands outside of the circle should go to the church, and the money inside is ours."
The Rabbi looks at both of them and says "You want I should die here? We draw the circle on the ground, throw our money high up in the air, and whatever God wants he'll keep!"
Tog Tan
04-13-2009, 08:01 AM
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said,"About an hour only."
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said,
"Hey, Bill, do me a favour, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "To your wife"!
saltydad
04-13-2009, 02:45 PM
Lawyer with a heart
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for
a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
'You'll really love my place.
'The grass is almost a foot high'
Tog Tan
04-13-2009, 04:56 PM
A man feared his wife Peggy wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'Frank , for the FIFTH #@%*#& time, CHICKEN!'
buzzwinder
04-16-2009, 10:58 PM
Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois:
If your last governor is headed for prison and the governor before him is already there,
You might live in Illinois .
If your latest US Senator lied to get the job,
You might live in Illinois ..
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
You might live in Illinois ...
If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there,
You might live in Illinois
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,
You might live in Illinois ..
If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Illinois .
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Illinois
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
wrong number,
You might live in Illinois .
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisian WHEN:
1. Vacation means going north or south on I-55 or I-57 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and know how to use them.
9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction, &
It's Hot.
12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.
13. Down south means Missouri to you.
14. A brat is something you eat.
15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed. (Bubba throws a HELLUVA Pole party)
16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday. (Y'all must really know my neighbor, Bubba)
17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly."
19. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your
Illinois friends. (What's not to understand?)
Thank You from Northern Illinois :bananas_b
This has been a long winter here.
Patty in Wisc
04-16-2009, 11:43 PM
Ditto To All.
Chironex
04-17-2009, 12:16 AM
So very true! We are also the people wearing that wear shorts and T-shirts when visiting Florida, Nevada, California and Arizona when it's 50 degrees. Yeah, this is nice. Get me another beer will ya hon?
Tog Tan
04-17-2009, 07:58 AM
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they said they never have something nice to wear.
4. Although they say they never have something nice to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
buzzwinder
04-17-2009, 09:15 AM
Another Golf Joke
Eight Iron
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves.
As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron!”
:golfingbanana::golfingbanana:
saltydad
04-17-2009, 04:15 PM
Woman to 911: Help! I'm locked inside my car
911 dispatchers..
How do they keep a straight face?
A woman called Kissimmee police to say she was locked inside her car at the Walgreen's on John Young Parkway near Poinciana, reports the Orlando Sentinel
"My car will not start. I'm locked inside my car," the unidentified woman said.
The dispatcher asked the woman if she was able to manually pull the lock up on the door.
The woman said she would try, and then, she said, "Yes, I got the door open."
"Nothing electrical works. And it's getting very hot in here, and I'm not feeling well."
Looks like her brain synapses weren't firing all that well, either.Sun-Sentinel (http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/news/specials/weirdflorida/blog/2009/04/woman_to_911_help_im_locked_in.html)
Patty in Wisc
04-17-2009, 04:43 PM
I heard the actual tape of that. This was on same tape:
A guy called 911 to get help getting ice off his windshield. The dispatcher told him to use anything that would scrape it off. There was a pause...then he said "you mean you're really not going to come & help me?" and hung up.
True story last year 30 miles north of me. I guy at a motel called 911 cuz he couldn't get his hot tub/jacuzzi to work. Cops gave him a ticket for call not being an emergency. The guy was angry & drove to police dept to complain and got nailed for drunk driving on the way back to motel. What a dummy!
Chironex
04-17-2009, 05:32 PM
I heard the actual tape of that. This was on same tape:
A guy called 911 to get help getting ice off his windshield. The dispatcher told him to use anything that would scrape it off. There was a pause...then he said "you mean you're really not going to come & help me?" and hung up.
True story last year 30 miles north of me. I guy at a motel called 911 cuz he couldn't get his hot tub/jacuzzi to work. Cops gave him a ticket for call not being an emergency. The guy was angry & drove to police dept to complain and got nailed for drunk driving on the way back to motel. What a dummy!
I sure hope that they don't figure out how to breed!
Chironex
04-18-2009, 03:43 PM
This was first posted by Pete I believe. I was just perusing the old posts and found this gem. I just had to post it again:
God's Problem Now
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, There was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.
:ha:
buzzwinder
04-19-2009, 08:46 PM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants' takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S.........
buzzwinder
04-22-2009, 05:35 PM
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
>
> Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
>
> He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
>
> When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
>
> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
>
> Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
>
> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark."
>
> "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
>
> After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career" :bananas_b
Caloosamusa
04-22-2009, 06:07 PM
Awesome Buzzwinder!!!:2239:
Tog Tan
04-23-2009, 08:59 AM
An elderly woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager came to the woman and asked, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and screamed,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'
and doing so drew an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleaded,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman said,
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
Patty in Wisc
04-30-2009, 08:07 PM
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
He got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.
He's such a jerk..
saltydad
04-30-2009, 10:37 PM
Great one, Patty.
chong
05-01-2009, 03:43 AM
A cruise you may want to try....something exciting and an adrenalin pumper....
*Somali Cruise Package *
I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan)
and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania). The cost is a bit high but I didn't
find that offensive. What I found enticing is that the cruise company is
encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the
cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the
boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have
reloading parties every afternoon.
The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of US$3200
per person double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and
down the coast of Somalia awaiting the approach of pirates.
Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.
US$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day cruise) M-16 full auto
rental US$25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at
US$15.95
AK-47 riffle @ No charge. Ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com black ball ammo
at US$14.95 Barrett M-107 50 cal sniper rifle rental US$55.00/day ammo
at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at US$9.95 Crew members can double as
spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included). They even offer
rocket propelled grenades at US$75 and US$200 dollars for three standard
loads "Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment
and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."
Meals are not included but seem reasonable. Most cruises offer a
mini-bar... These gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....
"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @US$450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"
They advertise group rates and corporate discounts......and even claim
"FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"
They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied....here's some
text from the ad:
"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts
by pirates or we will refund half your money including gun rental
charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).. How can we
guarantee you will experience a hijacking attempt? We operate at 5 knots
within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted hijacking does
not occur we turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will
repeat this for up to 8 days making one pass per day along the entire
length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are
shot off at intervals. Loud disco music is directed toward the shore to
attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve
your package before May 31 and get 100 free rounds of tracer ammo in the
caliber of your choice."
As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, here are a few
testimonials
"I got three confirmed kills on my most recent trip. I felt like the
Kommandant of a 1950's Gulag camp. I'll never hunt big game in Africa
again. --Igor, Moskva, Russia
"Six attacks in four days was more than I expected. I bagged three
pirates, and my 12-year-old son sank two fiberglass pirate boats with
the minigun. PIRATES 0--PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make
sure your spotter speaks Chinese" --Shiu Wong, Taipei, Taiwan
"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't worry
about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship
with those weapons they use. Their poor gun skills remind me of a
drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in
Nam" ----"Chopper' Dan, Toledo, Ohio, USA.
Tog Tan
05-01-2009, 04:18 AM
A cruise you may want to try....something exciting and an adrenalin pumper....
*Somali Cruise Package *
I
Thanks a heap Chong, I just called them and booked a place. Wooooo! My kinda trip! I am waiting for Orang Puteh aka Bob to wake up and get him to share the cabin with me. I can't wait to test out my new CQB stuff like the Swamp Toad Acid Grenade and the Pit Viper Venom Tipped arrows for my cross bow.
I want to be highest scorer on this trip.
Chong, btw, you want any Somali souvenirs, toe or finger keychain or ear bookmark? PM me and it's yours.
Ps; Can get any other souvenir parts for you too. Too shy to mention here.
Tog, you never told me you had a crossbow.....We're there!
Chong are you sure they're supplying 7.62's? I thought .223 was the new flavor of the month these days.
Tog Tan
05-01-2009, 11:28 AM
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
NotherNana
05-01-2009, 07:36 PM
*If a fly didn't have wings would it be called a 'walk'?
*If a goose and a gander called 'Geese' why isn't a moose and his mate called 'Meese'?
*Why do scientists call it RE-search if they are looking for something new?
*How many turtles does it take to make a can of turtlewax?
*If a tree falls in the forest and no-one's around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
*If Air travel is so safe, why do they call it a 'terminal'?
*If a pig loses his voice, is it 'dis-gruntled?'
*Why do they call it 'The department of Interior' if they are in charge of the Outdoors?
*Why do they put Braille on the keypads at the drive-through ATM's?
*Will wearing short sleeves show 'The right to bear arms'?
*Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
*Why are toilet flush handles on the left side?
*If a parsley farmer is sued can he garnish his wages?
*Does a fish get cramps after eating?
*Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
*If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
*Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
*How can someone be 'dirt poor' and another 'filthy rich'?
*If it's called 'tourist season'...why can't we shoot them?
*If you choked a smurf what color would it turn?
*If a vampire can't see his reflection in the mirror, why is his hair always so neat?
*Where are the germs that cause 'good breath'?
*If Walmart is lowering it's prices daily, why isn't everything free yet?
*What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
*If you have an open mind is there a chance your brain could fall out?
*If your 'born again'...does it mean you have two belly buttons?
chong
05-02-2009, 09:40 PM
Subject: My last day at Home Depot
Date: Saturday, May 2, 2009
YouTube - My last day at Home Depot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAsZ3PQoL5k)
So, now am looking for another job.
buzzwinder
05-02-2009, 10:35 PM
Oops!!!!!
NotherNana
05-02-2009, 10:38 PM
OMG! Too funny. thank goodness it does look as though no-one got hurt!:ha::ha:
lorax
05-03-2009, 01:05 AM
A man, hoping for a promotion, invites his ultra-conservative boss, Bob, over for dinner. Before the guy arrives, the man tells his rather eloquent talking parrot to on no account use any foul language while the boss is over, since Bob is easily offended. The parrot agrees.
When the boss arrives, the parrot greets him politely, and the man thinks all will go well. Unfortunately, the peace is not long-lasted....
"What a pretty bird" Bob says to the parrot; "What's your name?"
"What the F#(*$ do you think, dickhead? My name's Polly," shrieks the parrot. The boss turns white, and the man furiously apologizes, threatening the parrot with all manner of punishment unless he stops swearing.
The night progresses in the same manner, with Polly making profane comments on just about everything Bob has to say. Finally, the man can stand it no longer, and he grabs the bird, takes it into the kitchen, and stuffs it in the freezer.
The rest of the evening goes off without a hitch, Bob gives the man a promotion, and leaves happy.
The man realizes that Polly has been in the freezer for the better part of the night, and goes to retrieve him, hoping that he's not hurt.
Polly immediately starts apologizing profusely for his language. The man, startled by his normally foul-mouthed pet's change of heart, asks Polly what gives. The bird says:
"Sir, I promise I will never ever ever be foul to you or your guests ever again if you'll answer me one question. What did the chicken in there do?"
Tog Tan
05-03-2009, 04:26 AM
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."
saltydad
05-03-2009, 05:18 PM
YouTube - Just For Laughs - Pop Fly [HD] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qp4IhUT86vA&feature=related)
saltydad
05-03-2009, 05:26 PM
Chong- When I managed a nursery, I had a few guys who thought they were excellent forklift drivers, but I lived in dread that this would happen in the warehouse. At least it never happened to me.LOL!
SteveW17
05-04-2009, 08:42 AM
Chong/Saltydad -
the videos are hilarious thanks for sharing. How do you embed those inside your post? I have tried this, but can only manage to copy the link which just launces a new browser window.
-S. :lurk:
lorax
05-04-2009, 09:19 AM
In your "Go Advanced" post options, you've got a little button that looks like this: http://www.bananas.org/images/editor/youtube.gif
Click that, then put the address of the YouTube video you want to embed in the little pop-up box that comes up. Voila. Embedded YouTubiness.
SteveW17
05-04-2009, 09:49 AM
Got it - Thanks.
-S.
Tog Tan
05-06-2009, 04:44 PM
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
chong
05-07-2009, 03:38 AM
Chong/Saltydad -
the videos are hilarious thanks for sharing. How do you embed those inside your post? I have tried this, but can only manage to copy the link which just launces a new browser window.
-S. :lurk:
In your "Go Advanced" post options, you've got a little button that looks like this: http://www.bananas.org/images/editor/youtube.gif
Click that, then put the address of the YouTube video you want to embed in the little pop-up box that comes up. Voila. Embedded YouTubiness.
I forgot that there is that icon, but because when I click that Utube icon, it defaults to "Wrap Tags around Selected Text", what I do is just copy the URL of the video and paste it on the field of text in the response. I did try to insert the video first, after uploading it into my gallery, but that didn't work.
chong
05-07-2009, 04:06 AM
What starts with "F" and ends with "K" test
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a 'C', ends with a 'T', is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
The principal was trembling.
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
Caloosamusa
05-07-2009, 09:25 AM
Lorax, Tog, and Chong, Excellent!!! :-) !!! :2239:
buzzwinder
05-07-2009, 09:38 AM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
:bananas_b
Tog Tan
05-07-2009, 01:04 PM
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
momoese
05-08-2009, 11:14 AM
The Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was
hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would
be
over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in
the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
NotherNana
05-08-2009, 09:56 PM
great joke!!!! I'm still laughing as I tell my wife this...thanks M :)
Gino
Tog Tan
05-13-2009, 06:29 AM
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they
would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake
Tog and Mitchel, those are both hysterical only because they're true. ....good ones.:ha::ha::ha:
NotherNana
05-13-2009, 03:22 PM
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from the shower, she stands in front of the mirror complaining to her
husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, she fetchs a piece of toilet paper and stands in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. 'How long will
this take?' she asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' her husband replies. She
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
:)
Gino
Tog Tan
05-14-2009, 07:30 AM
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,
what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."
saltydad
05-16-2009, 09:51 PM
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="3"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0.75pt 0in 0.75pt 0.75pt;" valign="top"> This is an Incredible story!
<table style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="3"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding-left: 0.75pt; width: 100%; padding-right: 0.75pt; padding-top: 0.75pt;" valign="top" width="100%"> <table style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="3"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding-left: 0.75pt; width: 100%; padding-right: 0.75pt; padding-top: 0.75pt;" width="100%"> <table style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="3"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding-left: 0.75pt; width: 100%; padding-right: 0.75pt; padding-top: 0.75pt;" valign="top" width="100%">
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories.
</td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table>
Tog Tan
05-18-2009, 07:59 AM
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris.
No more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress", says her husband.
"Ours is prettier", she replies.
lorax
05-18-2009, 09:30 AM
A grasshopper walks into the bar.
The bartender looks at him, grins, and says "Hey buddy, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper blinks slowly, and says....
"You mean you have a drink called Bob?"
NotherNana
05-19-2009, 08:18 AM
God was just about done creating humans, when he realized he had 2 parts left over.
He couldn't decide how to split them up between the two sexes, so just decided he'd direrctly ask them.
He told them one of the things he had left would allow it's owner to 'pee' while standing up.
Adam instantly jumped up and begged for this.
Me! Me! Oh pleeaasseee give this to ME! Give it to me!!! He went on and on like an excited little child.
Eve just smiled and said to God, if Adam wanted it that badly he could have it. So God acknowledged, and gave Adam the 'thing that pees standing up'....
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place, first on a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, then he aimed at a stump 10 feet away, laughing all the while...
God and Eve watched him in his amusement, when God turned to Eve and said, 'well, i guess you get the last part I have left'
'What's it called,' asked Eve?
'Brains'...said God.
NotherNana
05-19-2009, 08:25 AM
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
NotherNana
05-19-2009, 08:35 AM
American Government and 'The People'
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/miscellanious6/government-peeps.jpg">
saltydad
05-23-2009, 01:36 PM
Subject: Fw: Grandma's Boyfriend
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood G grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
buzzwinder
05-26-2009, 09:24 PM
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of champagne. When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... But only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...
... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
Patty in Wisc
05-30-2009, 08:04 PM
A man is waiting for his
> wife to give birth. The
> doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was
> born without torso,
> arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad
> loves his son and
> raises him as well as he can, with love and
> compassion.
>
>
>
> After 21 years, the
> son is now old
> enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar,
> tearfully tells the
> son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest,
> strongest drink for his
> boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously
> and the bartender
> shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his
> first sip of alcohol.
>
>
>
>
> Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The
> bar is dead silent; then
> bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs
> his son to drink
> again.. The patrons chant 'Take another
> drink!'
>
>
>
> The bartender continues to shake his
> head in dismay ... Swoooosh!
> Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop
> out.
>
>
>
> The bar goes wild. The father, crying
> and wailing, begs his son to
> drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another
> drink! Take another
> drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair
> and goes back to
> polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly
> unimpressed by the amazing
> scenes.
>
>
>
> By now the boy is getting tipsy, but
> with his new hands he reaches
> down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
> Plop! Plip!! Two legs
> pop out. The bar is in chaos.
>
> The father falls to his knees and
> tearfully thanks God. The boy
> stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left
> then staggers to the
> right through the front door, into the street, where
> a truck runs over
> him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
>
>
>
>
> The father moans in grief . The
> bartender sighs and says,
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> (Wait for it)
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> (It's
> coming)
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
> (Ya ready?)
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> * (Don't hate
> me)
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
> * (You're gonna hate
> me)
>
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> * (Take
> a deep breath)
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
> *
>
> 'He should've quit while he was
> a head...
<<< .....now, that's a 'dumb joke'!
buzzwinder
06-03-2009, 10:15 AM
Two Little Boys
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.
'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'
saltydad
06-03-2009, 01:10 PM
Installing Husband 1.0
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a
distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
___________________________ ______________
__ _________
Reply
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as
designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
http://tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:gQGnkhzDPGcHNM:http://www.ccpsd.k12.va.us/school/ws/images/woodlawn/girl%2520at%2520computer.gif
Tog Tan
06-04-2009, 06:47 AM
The phone rings, and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please..'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
Dalmatiansoap
06-04-2009, 06:56 AM
Hey Tog!!
Nice to see U arround!
:woohoonaner:
Tog Tan
06-04-2009, 12:24 PM
A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a sales man standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** when I tell you the price".
saltydad
06-04-2009, 01:10 PM
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
saltydad
06-04-2009, 01:11 PM
Women's English:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you ass
10. You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Men's English
1. I'm hungry = I'm hungry
2. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
3. I'm tired = I'm tired
4. Nice Dress = Nice cleavage
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I'm bored - Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
Tog Tan
06-04-2009, 01:36 PM
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please?
Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'
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