Dumb Jokes

[NotherNana]

Here's the Senior bumper stickers:
<br />
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/abc-soup.jpg"><br />
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/aging.jpg"><br />
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/bananas.jpg"><br />
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/better-worse.jpg"><br />
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/bmw.jpg"><br />
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/eat-out.jpg"><br />
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/elder-respect.jpg"><br />
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/florida.jpg"><br />
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/senior-diapers.jpg"><br />
<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/tired.jpg"><br />

[Patty in Wisc]

That looks like a lot of work Gino. Only way I'd be able to do that is to load every pic in photobucket & put them here individually. whooo
I promise not to take a sleeping pill & Exlax on same night:)

[Jack Daw]

LOL. I especially like the "retired" version. So true. :ha:

[Jack Daw]

YouTube - the best commercial ever ( very funny ) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97ejk5NOrR8)

[buzzwinder]

The wonderful IRS! With tax season approaching I thought you all might appreciate this. Keep it in mind while doing your taxes. At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?""Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.""Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way."What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?""Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?""Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Jack Daw]

I don't know if this is a joke or whether it really is dumb, but nonetheless:

http://halbot.haluze.sk/image/18514

[saltydad]

Minnesota man pleads guilty to driving motorized La-Z-Boy under the influence

A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to driving his motorized La-Z-Boy chair while drunk.

A criminal complaint says 62-year-old Dennis LeRoy Anderson told police he left a bar in the northern Minnesota town of Proctor on his chair after drinking eight or nine beers.

Prosecutors say Anderson's blood alcohol content was 0.29, more than three times the legal limit, when he crashed into a parked vehicle in August 2008. He was not seriously injured.

Police said the chair was powered by a converted lawnmower and had a stereo and cup holders.

Sixth Judicial District Judge Heather Sweetland stayed 180 days of jail time Monday and ordered two years of probation for Anderson. His attorney, David Keegan, did not immediately return a call for comment.

[saltydad]

Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...: a little
humor for a change :)



~~~~~~~~~~

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,'

she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said,

'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the
channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since.'

'My'! I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?'

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~

I rear-ended a car this morning...So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said,

'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~

When our lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get
it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[saltydad]

YouTube parody of the YouTube Hitler parodies. Some adult language.

YouTube - Hitler reacts to the Hitler parodies being removed from YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBO5dh9qrIQ)

[Jananas Bananas]

Got this in an email this morning and thought it was pretty good!

Things you should know about Texas




Armadillos sleep on the side of the road with their feet in the air.

Twiced' is a word.

'Fixinto' is one word.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and
4,998 live in Texas

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas , plus a
couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

People actually grow and eat okra

There is no such thing as 'lunch...' There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

'Backwards and forwards' means I know everything about you!

Djeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in hours. Like its 6 hours from Houston to Dallas .

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

Yes, Friday night high school football is serious football!

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car...

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' to Wally-World.'

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. . . . it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kind a coke you want?'

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can
drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from
Texas (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can't be from Texas. You might say it's a gift from God!

And the most important thing we learn growing up in TEXAS is... IN GOD WE
TRUST

~JaNan

[alexizhere19]

Got this in an email this morning and thought it was pretty good!

Things you should know about Texas




Armadillos sleep on the side of the road with their feet in the air.

Twiced' is a word.

'Fixinto' is one word.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and
4,998 live in Texas

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas , plus a
couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

People actually grow and eat okra

There is no such thing as 'lunch...' There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

'Backwards and forwards' means I know everything about you!

Djeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in hours. Like its 6 hours from Houston to Dallas .

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

Yes, Friday night high school football is serious football!

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car...

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' to Wally-World.'

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. . . . it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kind a coke you want?'

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can
drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from
Texas (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can't be from Texas. You might say it's a gift from God!

And the most important thing we learn growing up in TEXAS is... IN GOD WE
TRUST

~JaNan

So texas steals another southern joke and calls it their own. Hey whatever makes texas feel like their relevant.

[saltydad]

This video caused me to roar (after my jaw came back up). Caution- over 21 only.

YouTube - Fox News anchor loves getting her protein, apparently (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfGyLU9Cb3s&feature=player_embedded)

[Jack Daw]

Althoug this would be a candidate for a dumb joke (and a puke joke as well), I'm afraid it's not a joke after all.

SPOILER -REALLY DISGUSTING, DON'T READ IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH!!! IT'S NOT A JOKE, ALTHOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE ONE REALLY DUMB! (http://www.news-relay.com/latest-news/pearl-carter-in-love-with-phil-bailey-granny-in-love-with-grandson/)

[Patty in Wisc]

Not funny Jack. This thread is for JOKES!

[The Hollyberry Lady]

OMG Jack! Good thing I haven't had any breakfast yet, or I would have lost it all over my laptop after reading that! Gross!


: o

[Jack Daw]

Not funny Jack. This thread is for JOKES!

OMG Jack! Good thing I haven't had any breakfast yet, or I would have lost it all over my laptop after reading that! Gross!


: o
I did some corrections.

[Scuba_Dave]

Information about Gonorrhea Lectim

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey , and apparently now Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

[Jack Daw]

Information about Gonorrhea Lectim

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey , and apparently now Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
Well, this is for a longer, philosophical debate, but I think that many people don't mean this as a joke, but as a very real thing. Besides, Obama wanted Change. That's precisely what he's giving you now. ;)
Every culture has to go through socialization, sooner, or later. What I like the most is that you, Americans, hating Russians for almost a century, are now going there and take advice regarding policies, pacts, laws ... almost every month. Funny. :ha:

[Scuba_Dave]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_l0StCgQMxz8/SLZ-_I0udRI/AAAAAAAAC_w/mqRroULir8g/s1600/image013.jpg

[john_ny]

http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=32060&size=1 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=32060&ppuser=826)
http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=32057&size=1 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=32057&ppuser=826)
http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=32061&size=1 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=32061&ppuser=826)
http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=32059&size=1 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=32059&ppuser=826)
http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=32058&size=1 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=32058&ppuser=826)

[Patty in Wisc]

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
Smacked the sh*t out of him..
Like his mother used to do.

[Jack Daw]

Patty, lol. :)

[Patty in Wisc]

It was titled "A woman's poem" LOL

[island cassie]

Patty - go girl!!! So true! lol!

[saltydad]

> Subject: The Nun at Hooters
>
>
> The Nun in Hooters
>
>
>
> A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
>
> The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
>
> However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
>
> The bartender replied, "OK, but should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
>
> "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
>
> So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
>
> She went to the bartender and said........................... "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
>
> "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,"Would you like a drink?"
>
>
>
> "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
>
> "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
>

[The Hollyberry Lady]

Patty, it should have been called "the wanna-be woman's poem" or "the incompetent woman's poem". After all, some of us do know how to cook and look after our men! :ha:


Howard that is just hilarious! :ha::ha:



Saw this pic this morning...


http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/toofunny.jpg


http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/e8ac11dd669a4d27e0600701024c79e2-4.gif





Too funny!



: )

[Patty in Wisc]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:


1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink. It All Goes To The Same Place Anyway.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Even George Washington Did This! Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

[Jack Daw]

So, one by one, pics describing the best you could've seen on the WC '10 (World Cup 2010 ;) )

http://de.trinixy.ru/pics4/20100622/podborka_09.jpg

http://www.jpeg.cz/images/973_trubka.jpg

[Jack Daw]

Now when you get this one, you will be literally Rolling On Floor Laughing.

Keep smiling, for the best things in life are for free. Yet. :ha:

http://de.trinixy.ru/pics4/20100622/podborka_97.jpg

[Jack Daw]

And finally, the best goes last, this is the description of socialism, as one of our journalists wrote it several days ago (in celebration of defeating socialists here).

Socialism, definition:
1. Everybody has a job.
2. Although everybody has a job, nobody actually does anything.
3. Although nobody does anything, the plan is always fulfilled on more than 100%
4. Although the plan is fulfilled on more than 100%, there's an absolute lack of everything everywhere.
5. Although there's an absolute lack of everything everywhere, everybody has everything.
6. Although everybody has everything, everybody keeps stealing.
7. Although everybody keeps stealing, nothing actually disappears or is unaccounted for.


It's so confusing on purpose. Hope this brings some smile to your faces.
:bananas_b

[Jack Daw]

Bump!!!

Look what made its way to our web news today... Eva Mendez. And I must say, it's not as dumb as one might think.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's Eva Mendez and her S.EX Tape.

Eva Mendes Sex Tape from Eva Mendes, Jake, and FOD Team - Video (http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/45xd)

[supermario]

This movie was aweful!..although this trailer makes it seem alot better than it really was. =)

YouTube - &#x202a;The Wicker Man - Comedy Trailer&#x202c;&lrm; (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_mW8mBzmHo&playnext=1&videos=-QI36WVbMGc)

[Jack Daw]

Bump, again. I hope you liked my previous post (Eva Mendez's SE.X Tape).

And here's one really dumb joke. Dumb (naturally), joke (to more educated people)... you know, this happens, if you prefer backstage corruption of organizers and don't send a really beautiful and smart woman to MISS UNIVERSE 2010.

I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry, just do both as you watch this... Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Slovakia 2010 video for MISS UNIVERSE competition.

YouTube - Miss Universe - Slovak Republic (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sif_8u2yD8k)

[Jack Daw]

OMG, Poland is even worse. :ha:
YouTube - Miss Universe - Poland (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPVWjydUz7Y)



And another pearl from Sri Lanka. Sheesh, if they were horses, I would be afraid to let them out of the stall.
YouTube - Miss Universe - Sri Lanka (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiOAdeKiIBw)

[Patty in Wisc]

Hey Jack, I 'resemble' these remarks & videos!!! I am Slovanian & Polish LOL
'resemble' is good as resent. JUST A PLAY ON WORDS,,, oops - hit the cap key.

[Jack Daw]

Hey Jack, I 'resemble' these remarks & videos!!! I am Slovanian & Polish LOL
'resemble' is good as resent. JUST A PLAY ON WORDS,,, oops - hit the cap key.
Slovak, Slovenian or Slavic, Patty? It is a difference. Not big, but a difference. :ha:

Btw., this one's for Jarred:

http://pics.kuvaton.com/kuvei/poem.jpg

[Dalmatiansoap]

Slovenian

[The Hollyberry Lady]

Try using this as your outgoing message on your answering machine!!! :eek:


dial an *******, Funny, Sound Bite (http://www.entertonement.com/clips/xypgxhhqwf--dial-an-*******)



: )

[Jack Daw]

Try using this as your outgoing message on your answering machine!!! :eek:


dial an *******, Funny, Sound Bite (http://www.entertonement.com/clips/xypgxhhqwf--dial-an-*******)



: )
Oh, Holly,

I like this one better:

YouTube - Morgan Freeman Narrates Your Voicemail (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VocCzxRRuuE)



Written and performed by...

YouTube - Amazing Morgan Freeman Impression (plus 3 others) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbIqL-lN1B4)



And his another masterpiece:

YouTube - Morgan Freeman Talks About...Toilet Paper (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJCuz3J8Y-w)

[The Hollyberry Lady]

Jack, those are just too frigging funny! http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/2nd%20album/clap.gif



I was just listening to this one. Unbelievable...


YouTube - Prank Phone Call - Cheating Boyfriend (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uHtDXBjuXQ)


Woops....I guess that relationship's over!


: )

[Jack Daw]

Jack, those are just too frigging funny! http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/2nd%20album/clap.gif



I was just listening to this one. Unbelievable...


YouTube - Prank Phone Call - Cheating Boyfriend (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uHtDXBjuXQ)


Woops....I guess that relationship's over!


: )
Yeah, shows like that were very popular here some time ago. Not too many people saw through it though. My wife, Cindy... :bananas_b

[The Hollyberry Lady]

Not sure what to make of them though because it kind of ruins people's lives!!! :eek:



Listening to this joke call and thought it was sort of funny...


YouTube - Jerky Boys - Navy Recruiter (funny prank call) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLLArYsSPTY)


: )

[Jack Daw]

Not sure what to make of them though because it kind of ruins people's lives!!! :eek:



Listening to this joke call and thought it was sort of funny...


YouTube - Jerky Boys - Navy Recruiter (funny prank call) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLLArYsSPTY)


: )
Those lives were ruins before they picked the phone up, not after they did it. It's just a matter of observatory distance. :08:

[Jack Daw]

My turn for a funny video. Since I've taken up some languages this semester, here's a short video that helps me, when I think I don't work hard enough:

Episode 1:
YouTube - Que Hora Es? Part 1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cKGyOE_jOI)

Episode 2:
YouTube - Que Hora Es? Part 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZGac0jM8f0)

[Patty in Wisc]

My boyfriend asked me how many men I've slept with. I proudly said "only you sweety,.... the others were all awake".
I'm recovering in hospital now.

[saltydad]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger..'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they
lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my
electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to ten friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

[saltydad]

http://www.wnff.net/Themes/theme1/images/english/ignore.gif (http://www.wnff.net/index.php?action=ignore;u=7162;topic=20535;msg=655061) <table border="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr> <td valign="middle">http://www.wnff.net/Themes/theme1/images/post/xx.gif (http://www.wnff.net/index.php/topic,20535.msg655061.html#msg655061)</td> <td valign="middle"> Re: Jokes, Puns,Knock-Knocks, Humorous Stories for Amusement in the Off-Season (http://www.wnff.net/index.php/topic,20535.msg655061.html#msg655061)
« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2010, 09:17:38 AM »
</td> <td style="font-size: smaller;" align="right" valign="bottom" height="20"> http://www.wnff.net/Themes/theme1/images/buttons/quote.gifQuote (http://www.wnff.net/index.php?action=post;quote=655061;topic=20535.0;num_replies=17; sesc=74f6783adb4cb225cedb1f77ed43d51e)
</td> </tr></tbody></table> <hr class="hrcolor" width="100%" size="1"> Quote from: tomterp on November 04, 2010, 01:11:34 PM (http://www.wnff.net/index.php/topic,20535.msg654809.html#msg654809)
How many wahoos does it take to change a flat?

Two - one to mix the drinks, while the other one calls daddy. http://www.wnff.net/Smileys/wnff/icon_mrgreen.gif


A Virginia fan is driving north on a two-lane road. At the same time, a Maryland fan is driving south on the same road. As they approach each other, they both encounter deer crossing the road and they swerve to avoid them. Unfortunately, they crash into each other in doing so. Both cars are utterly mangled.

The Virginia fan gets out of his car first and finds that he is miraculously unhurt. "I can't believe I survived this," he mumbles. Then the Maryland fan gets out of his car and he is also amazed that he survived.

The Virginia fan says to the Maryland fan," I think we probably ought to view this accident as a sign from God that we ought to put aside our silly rivalries and live as friends." The Maryland fan thinks about it for a minute and says, "I think you're right. Clearly our surviving is a message."

Then the Virginia fan says, "Let's see if anything else in the cars survived this accident." He starts rummaging around in the remains of his car and finds that, somehow, a full unopened bottle of bourbon survived the crash. He walks over to the Maryland fan and says, "Look at this. I can't believe this bottle didn't shatter. Clearly God is telling us to toast to our newfound friendship with this bottle of bourbon."

The Maryland fan thinks this is a fine idea (and who wouldn't need a drink after a big car crash?). The Virginia fan says, "Proper friendship says that the host goes last. Since it's my bottle of bourbon, you may have the first drink."

So the Maryland fan grabs the bottle and starts guzzling down bourbon like Bluto in Animal House. After he's consumed about half the bottle, he hands it back and says, "OK, your turn."

The Virginia fan pauses......he looks at the bottle.....then he looks at the Maryland fan.....then he looks at the bottle again.....and he pauses a little longer.....

.....and then he puts the stopper back in the bottle and says, "Nahhhh, that's OK, I think I'll just wait for the cops to arrive."

[saltydad]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

[saltydad]

A cowboy goes to the psychiatrist after not being able to sleep for several weeks.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Well, doc, I was out in Indian country for a few days, and since I've been back, I keep having these weird dreams."

"What sort of dreams?"

"Well, the first night I had a dream about wigwams. Then the next night I dreamed about tepees. Then the next night it was wigwams again, then tepees—"

The doctor interrupts: "I think I see your problem. You're just too tents."

[saltydad]

The man who wrote the Hokey-Pokey song died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into his coffin. They put his left leg in.


Then the trouble started......

[The Hollyberry Lady]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"



That is just absolutely hilarious, Howard! :ha::ha::ha:


Thanks for the laugh!


: )

[Jack Daw]

This one is classic. Finally, somebody put it into a movie.

YouTube - Family Guy- Hymn #487 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4gvyGRVZVQ)

[saltydad]

This is hilarious!! Warning!!- Language and Adult Subjects

YouTube - Jerry Minor as L. Witherspoon on "Real Time with Bill Maher" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty8BrKtk_u0)

[The Hollyberry Lady]

That really was too funny, Howard! :ha::ha::ha: Thanks for the laugh. ;)



Jack, I tried to watch your video but it's no longer available! :eek:



: )

[Jack Daw]

That really was too funny, Howard! :ha::ha::ha: Thanks for the laugh. ;)



Jack, I tried to watch your video but it's no longer available! :eek:



: )
That's sad. But it would most probably offend so many people, that it's better this way. ;) :ha:

[saltydad]

Na, it really WAS funny!

[The Hollyberry Lady]

Oh now I want to see it even more, Jack! It couldn't have been that bad. Then again, if you posted it, I have to wonder. :ha:


Now that I'm here, I gotta watch Howard's video again. That was just too friggin' funny and it really made me laugh...


: )

[saltydad]

In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created. Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten: "Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff."

[Patty in Wisc]

Timely Limerick...

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one wiener leaner

[saltydad]

So, Larry King is evidently on a comedy tour now that he's retired (which seems like a joke all unto itself), and he was on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" this week. He finished his segment with this joke:

"A man was taking an Amtrak train ride overnight from New York to Chicago and had a ticket for the sleeper cabin. The man begins to settle into his bunk when a woman walks in. Now, this is not something that normally Amtrak would do, but the route was sold out and the woman didn't object. She took the bottom cabin and the man took the top one. A couple of hours into the ride, the man said 'Ma'am, I'm a little chilly do you mind if I borrow a blanket for the rest of the ride?' The woman responded 'Well, we you know, it's just the two of us in here, and it's just this one night, we'll never see each other again, if you wanted, we could play husband and wife for this evening, would that be ok with you?' The man replied, 'sure, that would be ok.' 'Then get your own damn blanket,' the woman said and went back to sleep."

[saltydad]

These are hilarious!!!
Damn You Auto Correct! - Funny iPhone Fails and Autocorrect Horror Stories (http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/)

[Patty in Wisc]

Whoooa, well that's different! LOL

[john_ny]

The Haircut
>
>
> One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
>
> After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the
> barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,
> I'm doing community service this week.'
>
>
>
> The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the
> barber went to open his shop the next morning, there
> was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
> him at his door.
>
>
>
> Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he
> tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I
> cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community
> service this week.'
>
>
>
> The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
> when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
> you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
>
>
>
> Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he
> went to pay his
> bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept
> money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
>
>
>
> The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The
> next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
> were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free
> haircut.
>
>
>
> And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
> difference between the citizens of our country and
> the politicians who run it.
>
>
>
> BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE
>
> CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
>

[saltydad]

During a recent password audit, the IT technician found that the blonde receptionist was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDew<WBR>​eyDonaldGoofyTallahassee"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!"

[john_ny]

A wealthy woman, who lived in a ritzy suburb, some miles from New York, had to go to Europe on a business trip. She drove her car to New York, and went in to a bank. She explained that she was going on a two week trip during which she was going to complete a very large deal, so she needed a short term loan of $5,000.00, which she said she would repay on her return. The banker asked what colateral she could leave. She said that she could leave her Rolls Royce car, and that she had brought the registration and title with her. The banker said that was fine, and instructed an employee to put the car in the bank's underground garage.
When she returned, she paid the $5,000.00 back, along with th interest of $17.48. The banker the said that he cold see that she was very well off, so why did she have to borrow $5,000.00 for the trip? She replied, "This is NY. Where else could I park my car for two weeks, and know it would be there when I got back, for $17.48?"

[saltydad]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

[momoese]

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down when a voice from the next stall said "Hi, how are you?"

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine"

The voice said "So what are you up to?"

I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here"

The voice said, "Can I come over?"

Annoyed, I said "I'm rather busy right now"

The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions"

[saltydad]

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpze7gldkD1r0dajgo1_400.jpg

[sunfish]

:ha:

[sunfish]

OLD LADIES HOTEL BILL An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast." The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," she said. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." Don't mess with Old Ladies!!!

[momoese]

http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/301606_267742549927994_100000767523965_673665_728533200_n.jpg

[saltydad]

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.


The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:


"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[momoese]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses".

[oakshadows]

Mitchel, you are rough. Keep it up.

[saltydad]

On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The best answer:

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short.

Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket.

Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.

That's one of the best pistols in my safe ...

[saltydad]

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing.

Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

[saltydad]

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

[saltydad]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[saltydad]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter.....let's look for yours."

[momoese]

My friend just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

[momoese]

What's invisible and smells like carrots?












Bunny farts!

[caliboy1994]

The Republican plan to abolish the EPA, ending the four-decade bipartisan consensus to ensure healthy air and water for our kids | ThinkProgress (http://thinkprogress.org/romm/2011/02/17/207553/the-republican-plan-to-abolish-epa-ending-the-four-decade-bipartisan-consensus-to-ensure-health-air-and-water-for-our-kids/)

[momoese]

http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m161/momoese/jesus.jpg

[momoese]

:03:
http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m161/momoese/dogdriving.jpg

[Worm_Farmer]

How to you find Will Smith in the snow?






Look for fresh prints

[saltydad]

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"
The son says, "At school, Dad."
Robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend's house!" the son says.
"Which DVD?" asks the dad.
"Toy Story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Okay, it was a porno!" cries the son.
"What? ! When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was," says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs, "Hahaha! He certainly is your son!"
Robot slaps the mom.
Awkward silence...

[nannerfunboi]

ok..i'll post one too.. i think its from 2 and 1/2 men..
the boys mom makes the comment to a "gentleman" friend...
god gave us children so death doesnt come as such a disappointment..
LOL

[momoese]

Old Fart Football



An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'



His wife rolls over and says,

'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'



A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says , 'Touchdown, tie score...'



After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,'Aha.

I'm ahead 14 to 7.'



Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'



Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man.



He refuses to get beaten by a woman,

so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable,

he gives it everything he's got,

and accidentally ****s in the bed.



The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'



The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[saltydad]

Especially for Ante-
<table style="MARGIN-LEFT: 10.5pt" class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" valign="top">




<table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" valign="top"> PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Thought you'd like to know.


I know, Ante is a power lineman and not a phone guy (at least I don't think he is) but he'll still appreciate this, I hope.






</td></tr></tbody></table>









</td></tr></tbody></table>

[saltydad]

Two Ladies Talking after their passing!


1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Nancy. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death..

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[saltydad]

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced
to his wife, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word
is the ‘Law.’ You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am
done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing
music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and
hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow,
guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess, .”

[saltydad]

A dog owner takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet examines the dog and pronounces it terminally ill. The pet owner requests a second opinion. So the vet brings in his own kitten, and the kitten examines the sick dog and shakes his head. The pet owner requests another opinion. This time the vet brings in his Labrador retriever, who jumps up on the examining table with the sick dog, sniffs and licks it and then also shakes his head. The pet owner, now convinced, ask how much he owes the vet. The vet says he owed $650. The pet owner is surprised and ask why the bill is so high. The vet replies that the exam was only $50, but the additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test.

[saltydad]

And finally: A young man went on a job interview. The manager, conducting the interview, asked, "Where are your from, son? The young man replied, Minnesota sir." "Oh really,why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager. The young man replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota," responded the manager. The young man replied, "Really! What team did she play for?" http://www.wnff.net/Smileys/wnff/icon_mrgreen.gif
Ign (http://www.wnff.net/index.php?action=ignoreuser;u=7596;rt=20535;rm=957887)

[saltydad]

A near - sighted whale was following the submarine. Every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.....

[momoese]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

[saltydad]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't pay for your sandwich."
The panda yells back at the bartender, " Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: " A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." http://www.wnff.net/Smileys/wnff/icon_mrgreen.gif

[Jack Daw]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't pay for your sandwich."
The panda yells back at the bartender, " Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: " A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." http://www.wnff.net/Smileys/wnff/icon_mrgreen.gif
Brilliant, a great example how a simple comma can alter the meaning. :ha:

[The Hollyberry Lady]

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

A narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

What do a narcissist and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

My husband and I divorced for religious reasons. He thought he was God and I didn't.


: )

[saltydad]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[saltydad]

An Amish family from Lancaster County recently came down to Northern Virginia for the wife's sister's wedding. They found themselves at Tyson's Corner one day, their first visit ever to a shopping center. The father and son were exploring the mall and came to the center court. There, they saw the elevator doors open up and a frail old lady with a walker get on. The doors closed behind her, and then a few minutes later, the doors opened again and a beautiful blond 25-year old woman got off. The father turned to his son and said "Son, I have no idea what the hell that thing is, but go get your mother!"

[saltydad]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[island cassie]

Howard - Oh dear!!!

[saltydad]

A married Irish man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irish man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[saltydad]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come on Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, " I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


:drum: ba dum bum

[saltydad]

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A mechanic.

[saltydad]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/297666_335544973202513_1745623741_n.jpg

[john_ny]

Howie - You always come up with some good ones! Keep 'em coming.

[saltydad]

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

[flaflowerfloozie]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees 3 men seated at a table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the eye and says...

I went by your Grandmas' house today, saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Maaan! She is one fine looking woman!!

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His Buddies are confused, this biggest, baddest biker fights at the drop of a hat!

The drunk again leans over, looks the big, bad biker in the eye and says...

I got it on with your Grandma! She is great! Best I ever had!!

The other bikers are not only confused but now really annoyed, but the big bad biker shakes his head and says nothing.

One more time this drunk leans in real close to the big bad biker and says:

Boy, I'll tell ya what...she really enjoyed it too your Grandma really liked it!

At this point the big bad biker stands up.
Takes the drunk firmly by the shoulders looks him squarely in the eyes and says:

GRANDPA...GO HOME!

[Daverama]

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 pounds that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.

Sorry :-)

[Daverama]

A man walks into the dentist's surgery and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist tells him, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man says.

The dentist asks, "So then why did you come in here?"

The man replies, "The light was on.”

[saltydad]

Selma Epstein made a trip to Cohen’s butcher shop every Thursday in preparation for Shabbat, and one Thursday she saw something most peculiar – a dog walked right into the butcher shop.
"What’ll it be today?" the butcher asked the dog. "Brisket?"
The dog shook his head.
"Roast?" suggested the butcher.
The dog shook his head.
"Lamb?" tried the butcher.
The dog wagged his tail excitedly.
The butcher wrapped up two pieces of lamb, gave them to the dog and the dog trotted out. The same thing happened the following Thursday and Mrs. Epstein was so intrigued that she decided to follow the dog out of the shop. She saw the dog walk up the steps to a house, stand on his hind legs and ring the doorbell with his nose. A man answered the door and immediately started shouting angrily at the dog.
Mrs. Epstein was incensed. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she told the man. "That is the cleverest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher's, fetches your food, brings it home and rings the doorbell. And you treat him like that!"
"That may be," said the man, "but it's the fourth time this month that he's forgotten his key."

[bananimal]

Since I was down at Ft Lauderdale International last nite I thought I'd share this one.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Im sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......

"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"

[saltydad]

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

[saltydad]

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.






The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.

[saltydad]

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

[Abnshrek]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

[Abnshrek]

https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/t1/1932444_10152103654328884_1506843712_n.jpg

[bananimal]

https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/t1/1932444_10152103654328884_1506843712_n.jpg

One of the best written jokes I've ever read! :bananas_b

[bananimal]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like
to try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was $10, not $110. "

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
hundred is from Grandma. "