Dumb Jokes [Archive] - Page 2

Tog Tan

06-10-2009, 07:50 AM

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

saltydad

06-11-2009, 01:57 PM

<table style="margin-left: 10.5pt;" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> <table style="width: 99%; border-collapse: collapse;" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="99%"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;">
</td></tr></tbody></table> </td></tr><tr> <td style="padding: 0in; width: 100%;" valign="top" width="100%"> HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to b edroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leavethem in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
makingthe woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was
hangingout of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
andmake the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something SO very wrong with you.
Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!
</td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table>

Tog Tan

06-12-2009, 08:32 AM

Copying From The Originals

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbott! I question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot,"What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEBRATE!!!"

buzzwinder

06-12-2009, 11:23 PM

Garden Snakes can Be Deadly

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent
cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from
a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go
under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that
time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake ha d bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him
to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on
the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a
neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was
gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt
the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband
in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying
on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake
had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey,
and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here.......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing
wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg
of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the
bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and
raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed
into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were
halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put
out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right
with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap
for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring
in their plants for the night.

..............And that's when he shot her.
:bananas_b

Tog Tan

06-13-2009, 09:16 AM

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between
them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Larry
replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of
Jack Daniels. Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble
we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile," Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my
zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done,
the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore.
My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

saltydad

06-13-2009, 08:57 PM

<table border="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr> <td valign="middle">http://www.wnff.net/Themes/theme1/images/post/xx.gif (http://www.wnff.net/index.php/topic,5422.msg411340.html#msg411340)</td> <td valign="middle">

</td> <td style="font-size: smaller;" align="right" valign="bottom" height="20"> http://www.wnff.net/Themes/theme1/images/buttons/quote.gifQuote (http://www.wnff.net/index.php?action=post;quote=411340;topic=5422.450;num_replies=46 5;sesc=cd9fc9c5c8f35fb114f2253629ea83d6)
</td> </tr></tbody></table> <hr class="hrcolor" size="1" width="100%"> A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

saltydad

06-26-2009, 04:10 PM

Crisco

A little old guy is walking around in a
supermarket calling out, 'Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says,
'Sir, the Crisco is on aisle 3..'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not
looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my wife.
She's in here somewhere.'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old man said, no, no. I only call
her that when we're out in public.'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
'Lard ass.'

saltydad

06-26-2009, 04:32 PM

About those Church Hymns

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.'

The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGEDCROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.'

The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.'

The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX.'

The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
A little old 87 year-old grandmother, stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'
Pass this along and make someone smile today (I just did).Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.
Laugh... It burns calories

The Lord make his face to shine upon you

saltydad

06-26-2009, 04:32 PM

Painting the Church

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td valign="top">

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in 3.75pt; width: 359.25pt;" valign="top"> There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
</td></tr></tbody></table>
http://www.bananas.org/cid:ED2180DF68764E78B842D385A08BB4B7@jamesjudy

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in 3.75pt; width: 359.25pt;" valign="top"> As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventualy the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint..

</td></tr></tbody></table>
http://www.bananas.org/cid:5DEE796B07394BF885D4F55C21AD8493@jamesjudy

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in 3.75pt; width: 359.25pt;" valign="top"> Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. (you're going to love this)

</td></tr></tbody></table>
http://www.bananas.org/cid:E0780D60F86049D882E5B385E90CD563@jamesjudy

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in 3.75pt; width: 359.25pt;" valign="top"> "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

</td></tr></tbody></table>

</td></tr></tbody></table>

saltydad

06-26-2009, 04:33 PM

<table style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 1.5pt; width: 100%;" width="100%">

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it... The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Makaila was left.

'Makaila, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break ,and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed Four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

'Stay the hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking.

</td></tr></tbody></table>

saltydad

06-26-2009, 04:34 PM

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is
those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their
belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my
garage door opener. I also made a cover for my
hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth,
I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I
realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of
missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old
age is 'when you still have something on the ball,
but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks
my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's
when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say,
'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is
to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you
should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the
Post Office? What are we supposed to do...
write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them
while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the
Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it
dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

' Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life' - Because

' Life is a journey to be savored !!!!

saltydad

06-26-2009, 10:59 PM

Rose and Barb
http://www.bananas.org/cid:DB1FE18627DB401EB33802CF8382455A@jamesjudy

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.

chong

06-28-2009, 02:03 AM

I don't know if anything can top this . . . . .
YouTube - Final Jay Leno Tonight Show ~ The Best Of Jaywalking (HD) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjwkyYksrHU)

Bob

06-28-2009, 02:18 AM

Whoa....never would have believed it till I saw it. :ha::ha::ha:

saltydad

07-07-2009, 03:09 PM

Not a joke, but this is the sickest thing I've ever seen (not x-rated).

Kitty Litter Cake (http://bertc.com/subfive/recipes/kitty.htm)

lorax

07-07-2009, 04:08 PM

OMGWTF?!!?! That's beyond nasty. Then again, I'm partialy to Dirt'n'worms, which is devil's food and chocolate pudding with gummies, served in small buckets....

momoese

07-07-2009, 06:59 PM

Not a joke, but this is the sickest thing I've ever seen (not x-rated).

Kitty Litter Cake (http://bertc.com/subfive/recipes/kitty.htm)

What a great website! I thought the cat litter cake was pretty cool. Might have to make one for a friend. :ha:

This is pretty sick too, but I am currious how it tastes.
Spam Shake (http://bertc.com/subfive/recipes/spamshake.htm)

saltydad

07-07-2009, 11:56 PM

I think if I tried it curiosity would kill this cat. Bleh!

chong

07-10-2009, 06:53 PM

Russia Got Talent ? ? ? ?

YouTube - has russia got talent hmmmm you decide (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQHr10qpVIo)

lorax

07-10-2009, 07:46 PM

OMG. I was kind of expecting that to happen, but I can't beleive it really did. I think they've definitely got a talent, just maybe not one that should be shown on TV for mass consumption.

supermario

07-10-2009, 09:41 PM

An elderly man is kneeling next to his wife of 50 years, who is now terminally ill and may expire at any moment...

She asks him to fetch the chest from the foot of their bed. This chest has been there throughout they're whole marriage..and he has NEVER been allowed to look into this chest. So, he brings the chest to her and she asks him to open it.

Hesitating...he opens the chest and finds $100,000 and 3 ears of corn.

He looks at the contents of the chest and with a puzzled expression asks: "Honey, what's up with the corn?"... She looks at him and says: "Honey, for every time I cheated on you, I kept one ear of corn". Still confused.. the husband asks.."and the $100,000??".. She responds: "Every time I had a bushel of corn, I sold it." :birthdaynana:

supermario

07-10-2009, 09:47 PM

YouTube - stupid goalkeeper (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Q7tHxrxxk)

Spoof of The movie Wicker Man
YouTube - The Wicker Man - Comedy Trailer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_mW8mBzmHo)

Moderator: I edited the video. No need to use "you tube html tags", they just make it worse. Simply paste the YouTube video link and the board will do its part.

buzzwinder

07-10-2009, 10:30 PM

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

:bananas_b Badda Bing

saltydad

07-22-2009, 04:19 PM

Subject: Blonde joke

>
Eric Sturrock came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
"I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three
flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does
he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde... She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

Eric asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE..............
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting For the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, You might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!

saltydad

07-22-2009, 04:19 PM

Here is why men don't write advice columns:

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through
to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Scuba_Dave

07-22-2009, 07:12 PM

You forgot the punch line !!

Dear Sheila
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburator float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter.

saltydad

07-23-2009, 01:38 PM

OOps!

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps...

Walter

Patty in Wisc

08-06-2009, 06:50 PM

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, So they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping . . . .
:ha::ha:
I'll bet she was a blonde:ha:

buzzwinder

08-06-2009, 07:04 PM

Yep, My wife is a Blonde, that would be her :bananas_b :ha:

bencelest

08-07-2009, 02:27 AM

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and smoke when it
starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

bencelest

08-07-2009, 02:29 AM

Fw: $10 a Pill

> >Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa
> >found
>
> >a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using
> >one
> >of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;
>they're
>
> >very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a
> >pill,"Answered the son.
> >"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
>
> >leave in the morning,
> >I"ll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son
>found
>
> >$110.00 under
> >the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was
> >$10.00,
> >not $110.00. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma.

bencelest

08-07-2009, 02:31 AM

a very generous man
A GENEROUS MAN
A wife comes home early one day and finds her husband in their bed making love to a beautiful, sexy young woman. "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me your faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"
The husband replies, "Just wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"Hmmmmm, I don't know. Well, okay, but it'll be the last thing I ever want to hear from you. Make it fast, you lying, cheating dog!"
The husband begins to tell his story:
"While I was driving home, this woman stopped me and asked me for a ride.
She was so young and defenseless that I went ahead and let her in the car.
I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten in three days. With great compassion and caring I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight. The poor thing devoured them. Since she was very dirty, I asked her if she'd like to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and full of holes, so I threw them away. Since she then needed some clothes, I gave her a pair of jeans you've had for a few years and can no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse I gave you on our Anniversary that you won't wear because you think I don't have goo d taste.
I gave her the pullover my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bug my sister and I also gave her the boots you bought at that expensive boutique and have worn only once after seeing one of your co-workers wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story. . "The young woman was very grateful to me and as we were walking to the door she suddenly stopped and turned to me, tears streaming down her face, and said, 'Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?' "

bencelest

08-07-2009, 02:48 AM

Subject: Lawyers should be careful...
> >
> >Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if
> > They aren't prepared for the answer.
> >In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
> >Called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to
> >The stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
> >Know me?"
> > She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've
> >known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
> >Been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
> >Wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
> > Their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't
> > The brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
> > Than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
> >The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he
> > Pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
> >attorney?"
> >She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
> > Since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
> > Has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
> > With anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the
> > Entire state.
> > Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One
of
> >them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
> >The defense attorney almost died.
> >The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
> >quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks
> >Her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

southlatropical

08-07-2009, 09:39 AM

Ever heard the one about the Chinese Godfather?
He made them an offer they could'nt understand.

Stole that joke from The Sopranos.

island cassie

08-08-2009, 02:19 PM

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker
his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just
give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands
but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with
me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself,
studied hard and got good grades. When I got older,
I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all
the way through school, got my degree, so then I was
Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was
Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, ....so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing....

saltydad

08-12-2009, 07:15 PM

Fw: Arkansas Logic

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td valign="top">

Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, aresitting at their
favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba
and says,

'You know, I'm tired of going through life without
an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and
meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up
for the four basic classes:
Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What 's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?' 'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed
eater,
I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true , I do have a yard .'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you
have a yard, I think logically that you would have a
house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you
might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then
logically you must have a wife. And because you have
a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able
to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the
Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar.

He tells Bubba about his classes,
how he is signed up for Math, English,
History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'
Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have
a weed eater?'

'No'

'Then you're a queer

</td></tr></tbody></table>

bencelest

08-13-2009, 01:49 AM

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck !

Tech Support

saltydad

08-17-2009, 02:47 PM

<table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> Embarrassed Doctors

1. A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab..'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. .. .... I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he

had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

'Which one ?'.. . .. I asked.

'The patch ....... '

'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of

places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man

had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .

'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr.. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked .. . . 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' . .

Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr.. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . ..

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's

dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! ... . . . ... . . . . ... . . . ...

8 As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out

laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . ... ...

'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .

'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener..'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name . . .

</td></tr></tbody></table>

Patty in Wisc

08-18-2009, 05:07 PM

That looks like the email I sent you LOL.

buzzwinder

08-20-2009, 12:33 PM

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ Just drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! t’was horrid, just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me right then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible? “ asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good? “
“t’was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I be sittin here, I can never show me face in Starbucks again!”

saltydad

08-25-2009, 11:10 PM

ItalianPregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed herperiod for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancykit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair andimpeccably dressed in anArmani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll takecharge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..

Additionally.......
If a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born,my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000bank account.
If twins,they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However.......
If there is a miscarriage,what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun,places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonnatry again.'

Patty in Wisc

08-26-2009, 12:14 AM

Scuba Dave will like this.

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies:

"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f****n' boat.

Another dumb joke LOL

bencelest

08-26-2009, 01:22 AM

Pancakes:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

bencelest

08-26-2009, 01:29 AM

Maria a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry
very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to
tell her papa. Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another.
Your Madre does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother".

So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Antonio.
After telling Papa again, he said, "Maria, there's trouble
still. You cannot marry Antonio. Please don't tell your
mother, but Antonio and Jose are your half-brothers."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama
already knew and said "Maria, do what makes you happy. Marry Antonio or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."

Kim

08-26-2009, 03:48 AM

Dinner Time
There is a bird sitting in the tree, chirping sweet and carefree.
There is a cat sitting on the fence, waiting for the bird to drop its defense.
On the ground sits a dog, barking loud and ready for the quick jog.
At the door a man calls out.
The bird takes to flight, the cat begins to pounce, and the dog starts to chase.
The man at the door moves without haste.
(Moral: Never call your pets in for dinner at the same time).

bencelest

08-26-2009, 02:00 PM

Church:
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No ****?"

Eric

08-30-2009, 12:48 PM

Wow! Never been to this thread before. Okay, here's one I like:
It was the first day of school & the teacher, having had a course in psychology, wanted to try it out on her students. Standing behind her desk, she took roll-call then looked about the room.
Puzzling a bit, she said, "All right. I want everybody who thinks they're stupid to stand up."
Everyone remained seated. A few seconds later, Johnny stood up.
Looking at the boy, the teacher said, "So, Johnny, you actually think you are stupid?"
"Nope.", he replied, "Just didn't want ya to have to stand there all by yourself."

momoese

08-31-2009, 08:55 PM

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments...

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they are not the "in" name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

buzzwinder

09-07-2009, 09:35 PM

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into DA....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into DA trailer and I vas driving down DA road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into DA trailer and vas driving her down DA highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran DA stop sign and smacked my truck right in DA side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into DA other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after DA accident DA Highway Patrolman, he came to DA scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween DA eyes.

Den DA Patrolman, he came across DA road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat DA hell vould YOU say?

bencelest

09-08-2009, 12:48 AM

Subject: In Cognito

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined
to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify
them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"
garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine
and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong
bikini came walking straight toward them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father.
Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them. They were
both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you
even saw them.

Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach , in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless
blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward
them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning,
Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute
young lady." "Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I
have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we
are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis."

adrift

09-08-2009, 06:24 PM

Since you brought up bikini jokes...

A redneck American tourist was walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a Frenchman lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"

"Maybee I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. Two sizes to small even. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the tourist, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. If anything they seem to be laughing at him. So he goes back to the Frenchman.

"I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women turn their heads away and laugh at him.

After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman. "Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach, and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the front of zee sweeming suit?"

:ha:

browndrake

09-08-2009, 07:42 PM

Fred was driving down the highway. Up ahead of him another car was speeding along. Out of nowhere, a jackrabbit crossed the rode and the front vehicle hit it.

Fred watched as the driver slammed on his brakes and backed up to the smashed rabbit. Fred was curious so he pulled over to watch.

The man took something out of his trunk and bent over the rabbit for a minute, then backed up. After a few momonets, the rabbit started to twitch. Then it stood up. It then hopped off about 3 or 4 hops and turned back to the man and waved. It than again hopped a bit off and again stopped, turned and waved. Fred watched, amazed, as the rabbit continued to hop off and turn and wave....until it was out of sight.

Fred could take it no more, he jumped from his car and asked the driver what he had done to that rabbit.

The man replied, "I just rubbed some of this stuff on it...my wife gave it to me."

Fred looked at the tube. It was hair restorer with permanant wave.
............

aaron

Richard

09-09-2009, 10:58 PM

We had fun with this last year and I thought some of the newer members might enjoy it too!

http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=7766&size=1 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=7766)

buzzwinder

10-03-2009, 12:15 AM

* Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess
>
>
>
>
> A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and
> asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
> She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
> advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying
> frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and
> proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out.
> Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
> Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the
> entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans,
> please raise your hand?"
> Not one hand went up ... So she took them home
and ate them.
>
> Two lessons here:
>
> 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they
are.
> 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

:bananas_b

Richard

10-03-2009, 01:15 AM

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

Don't mess with this stewardess:

http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=24286 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=18258)

Richard

10-03-2009, 09:18 AM

Here's a sample of what mathematicians laugh about!

Our concept of time is a continuous line (or as Cheryl quotes: Time flies like an arrow). We think of the past as continuous time, the future as continuous time, and the present a fleeting instant. Consequently, the present is irrational !!!

:ha: :bananas_b :ha:

island cassie

10-03-2009, 03:53 PM

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

island cassie

10-03-2009, 04:03 PM

Don't rain on my parade!!!!!!!!!

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want

to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their

flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and

exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look

the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for her regular hair appointment. The hairdresser asked

her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand

new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were

wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $35 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the

finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the

shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to

step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked throughthe door and shook my hand! I knelt down

and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

"Who f***ed up your hair

island cassie

10-03-2009, 04:08 PM

Fall Classes for Women at
>
> THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE
>
>
> REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED:
> By Sunday, SEPTEMBER 31, 2009
>
>
>
> NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
>
> OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
>
>
>
> Class 1
>
> Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
>
> Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
>
> Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
>
>
>
> Class 2
>
> Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
>
> Round Table Discussion.
>
> Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
>
>
>
> Class 3
>
> Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
>
> Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
>
>
>
> Class 4
>
> Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics..
>
> Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
>
>
>
> Class 5
>
> Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
>
> Examples on Video.
>
> Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
>
> At 7:00 PM
>
>
>
> Class 6
>
> How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
>
> Help Line Support and Support Groups.
>
> Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
>
>
>
> Class 7
>
> Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
>
> Open Forum..
>
> Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
>
>
>
> Class 8
>
> Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
>
> Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
>
>
>
> Class 9
>
> I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
>
> Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
>
>
>
> Class 10
>
> How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
>
> Driving Simulations.
>
> 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
>
>
>
> Class 11
>
> Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
>
> Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
>
>
>
> Class 12
>
> How to Shop by Yourself.
>
> Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
>
>
>
> Class 13
>
> How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
>
> Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
>
> Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours...
>
>
>
> Class 14
>
> The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
>
> Live Demonstration.
>
> Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
>
> Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

island cassie

10-03-2009, 04:10 PM

Newfie Trees
A Newfie Named Eric Is Driving Home
After Downing A Few At The Local Pub.
He Turns The Corner And Sees A Tree In
The Middle Of The Road. He Swerves To Avoid It.
He Realizes There's Another Directly In His Path!

He Discovers His Drive Home Is Causing
Him To Veer From Side To Side To Avoid All
The Trees.

Moments Later He Hears A Police Siren
And Stops His Car.
The Officer Approaches His Car And Asks Him What On Earth Is He Doing.
Eric Starts To Tell The Story Of The Trees On The Road. The Officer Stops Him In Mid Sentence And Says...

Fer Chrise Sakes,eric, That's Yer
Air Freshener !

saltydad

10-03-2009, 06:20 PM

Cassie- I love it. What's a newfie?

The Hollyberry Lady

10-03-2009, 06:43 PM

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac?

A: He stayed up all night, wondering if there really was a Dog!!!

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/flowerpink.gif

The Hollyberry Lady

10-03-2009, 06:45 PM

A newfie is someone from the province of Newfoundland, Canada. The rest of Canada makes fun of them, as if they were dumb!

They are actually the friendliest people you could ever want to meet - give you the shirt off their back!

: )

saltydad

10-03-2009, 06:48 PM

Thanks....if I were from Canada, I'd hopefully be a newfie!!

saltydad

10-03-2009, 06:49 PM

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac?

A: He stayed up all night, wondering if there really was a Dog!!!

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/flowerpink.gif

Love them all...but this one is fantastic!!

:nanadrink:

The Hollyberry Lady

10-03-2009, 06:50 PM

Really? Well, can I have your shirt?!!! Teasing of course.

Glad you liked the joke - thought you guys would think it was lame!

: O

saltydad

10-03-2009, 06:53 PM

Really? Well, can I have your shirt?!!! Teasing of course.

Glad you liked the joke - thought you guys would think it was lame!

: O

Sure, let me just put on my manzeer first!

Scuba_Dave

10-03-2009, 06:54 PM

Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist

You missed one part :lurk:

saltydad

10-03-2009, 06:59 PM

Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist

You missed one part :lurk:

Ahh....but he's still questioning.......a skeptic.:02:

Richard

10-03-2009, 07:01 PM

Newfie's bred "Duck Tolling Retrievers", a cross between Red Spaniel and Gold Retriever. The breed is spaniel-size, with permanent golden retriever puppy fur. Here's a picture of mine from last year:

http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=7679 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=7680)

Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist

You missed one part :lurk:

Actually, since he is still questioning he is Agnostic.

The Hollyberry Lady

10-03-2009, 07:04 PM

The way I told the joke, is exactly the way I heard it - didn't leave anything out.

: )

Q: Why did the Newfie stare at the glass of orange juice for three hours?

A: Because the label on the can read 'concentrate'!!!

: O

Lagniappe

10-03-2009, 07:04 PM

What do you get when you cross a Shih tzu with a bull dog?

The Hollyberry Lady

10-03-2009, 07:06 PM

Q: What do you call a dead Newfoundlander in a closet?

A: The 1986 'Hide & Seek' world champion!!!

: )

The Hollyberry Lady

10-03-2009, 07:06 PM

What?...

Lagniappe

10-03-2009, 07:16 PM

A mutt....duh.
:D:D:D

The Hollyberry Lady

10-03-2009, 07:56 PM

More like a bullsh*t!

: O

Scuba_Dave

10-03-2009, 07:56 PM

What do you get when you cross a Shih tzu with a bull dog?

A mutt....duh.
:D:D:D

And I thought you would say a bullshihtzu

The Hollyberry Lady

10-03-2009, 08:19 PM

Two guys are walking down the street when they notice a dog licking itself.
Guy #1: Wow, I really want to be able to do that!
Guy #2: Don't you think you should pet it first?

: O

buzzwinder

10-05-2009, 10:31 PM

Proverbs from Larry The Cable Guy

1.A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Richard

10-05-2009, 10:40 PM

From historical philosophy:

Some theologians worry that if God is all-everything then their prayer is the same as talking to themselves!

saltydad

10-05-2009, 10:42 PM

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some crazybastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

saltydad

10-05-2009, 10:44 PM

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you
thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I worry about you
sometimes!****************************************************** ****************

saltydad

10-05-2009, 10:51 PM

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6.. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteop0rnosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Hollyberry Lady

10-05-2009, 10:53 PM

Too funny, Saltydad!

: )

buzzwinder

10-05-2009, 11:11 PM

Those were great Howard, Thanks I needed that!!!! :bananas_b

buzzwinder

10-07-2009, 10:38 PM

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

:bananas_b

Patty in Wisc

10-07-2009, 11:31 PM

That's funny! I went to Catholic school when, if you got punished by a nun, you'd go home & get spanked or grounded. Now, the kids smart off & hit the teachers & the parents try to sue the teacher.

saltydad

10-12-2009, 05:23 PM

The Hollyberry Lady

10-12-2009, 09:14 PM

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/86440cd759d0f793e47c87b330c270ee-4.gif Saltydad! You've got some real good ones.

What do you hear when you play country and western music, backwards?...

"You get your dog back, you get your house back, you get your wife back..."

: )

buzzwinder

10-13-2009, 10:02 PM

Be Very Quiet

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,

'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
" Well, I guess I just panicked "
:bananas_b

Patty in Wisc

10-13-2009, 10:13 PM

Ha ha, good one - esp. for the start of dear hunting season.

saltydad

10-20-2009, 11:55 PM

I had a flat tire on the interstate, so
I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road,
carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded
them and stood them at the rear of my car facing
oncoming traffic.
They look so life like you
wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats
exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing
down looking at my life like men which made it safer
for me to work at the side of the road.

And of course, traffic starts backing
up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind
me.
He gets out of his car and starts
walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on
here?'

'My car has a flat tire',
I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene
cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he
didn't know.. So I told him,

'Helloooooo, those are my
Emergency Flashers.'

Patty in Wisc

10-21-2009, 01:40 AM

Yup, that would make me slow down! :)

The Hollyberry Lady

10-21-2009, 06:01 PM

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/flower_lol2-4.gif Ahahahahahaha, Saltydad!!!!!

That was friggin hilarious! Great joke! Hats off to you on that one. http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/2-9.gif

: )

Lagniappe

10-21-2009, 06:49 PM

Bwahahahahaha!!!

The Hollyberry Lady

10-22-2009, 09:49 PM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS

: )

The Hollyberry Lady

10-22-2009, 09:50 PM

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

: o

Patty in Wisc

10-23-2009, 02:40 PM

Whoopsie, I already posted that one here a few pages back LOL

buzzwinder

10-23-2009, 09:09 PM

Anyone remember Abbott and Costello with "Who's on First"

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...........

buzzwinder

10-24-2009, 06:48 PM

DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS.

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he
kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he
feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his
mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any
milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't
get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any
pork or bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week
you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a
smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I ? "

buzzwinder

10-24-2009, 11:48 PM

Not meaning to make light of the flu season, but

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment

sorry :bananas_b

chong

10-26-2009, 06:42 PM

Received this community service announcement from Las Vegas, NV -

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Thursday October 29, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Target Store Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps, Oils and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park in Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day ...
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor .

frondly

10-26-2009, 06:59 PM

Jokes were so perfect for today! Thanks, I am going to innoculatte over them.
:10::10::10::10::10::10::10:

The Hollyberry Lady

10-26-2009, 08:00 PM

What do you call a man with half a brain?...

Gifted.

: )

frondly

10-26-2009, 08:38 PM

Doin' pretty good...:woohoonaner:

palmtree

10-26-2009, 09:22 PM

Hope no one used this one...

A mama tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato (aka cherry tomato) are jogging. The parents are going too fast and the dad tells his child Ketchup!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

island cassie

10-26-2009, 09:49 PM

Chong - those are funny! But come around here and you are a dead man!! lol!:ha: Don't give my husband ideas!!

buzzwinder

10-28-2009, 10:11 PM

Description of common tools.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s h --'

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can a lso be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need..
:bananas_b

momoese

10-28-2009, 10:46 PM

Description of common tools.

:ha: I can totally relate to all these! Thanks!

chong

10-29-2009, 02:16 AM

Chong - those are funny! But come around here and you are a dead man!! lol!:ha: Don't give my husband ideas!!

Geeez! Lighten up Miss Cassie! Don't kill the messenger . . . . .

momoese

10-30-2009, 10:34 AM

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

Because they are so wrapped up in themselves.

saltydad

11-01-2009, 05:06 PM

You Might Be a Nurse if?

~ You avoid unhealthy looking people in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

~ It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.

~ You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

~ You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

~ You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.

~ You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

~ You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

~ You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.

~ You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

buzzwinder

11-01-2009, 10:14 PM

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass
> by the beer
> cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a
> nice cool beer or two taste
> wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
>
> The second nun answered " indeed it would Sister, but
> I wouldn't feel
> comfortable buying beer as it would cause a scene at the
> check-out counter."
>
> " I can handle that without a problem" she
> replied as she picked up a
> six-pack and headed for the check-out counter.
>
> The cashier had a surprise look on his face when the two
> nuns arrived with a
> six-pack of beer.
>
> " We use beer for washing our hair the nun
> said, A shampoo, of sorts, if
> you will "
>
> Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
> counter, pulled out a
> package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with
> the beer.
>
> He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and
> said,
>
> " The curlers are on the house "
:bananas_b

Patty in Wisc

11-03-2009, 03:35 PM

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from California . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from New York . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Wisconsin . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

buzzwinder

11-03-2009, 10:17 PM

Manure...A True Story

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

:golfingbanana: :bananas_b

sunfish

11-03-2009, 10:33 PM

Why do dummies have trouble keeping friends?

Because they are so wrapped up in themselves. Did you mean mummies?

browndrake

11-03-2009, 11:02 PM

Patty in Wisc

11-04-2009, 02:50 AM

Did you mean mummies?
Tony, I think he meant 'mummies' too but he was smoking that dried nana flower:ha::ha::ha:
Browndrake, no one really knows where the word 'sh*t' came from but I like the story. After all, this is the "Dumb Jokes" forum LOL.
BTW, did you know that the guy who invented the toilet is Thomas Crapper? (well I think it is Thomas) Hence, the toilet became the "crapper"! Crap is sh*t ---- oooh, maybe I stumbled on something!:ha::ha:

momoese

11-04-2009, 05:06 PM

Did you mean mummies?

Uhh, yeah that what I meant.

buzzwinder

11-07-2009, 08:50 PM

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: ' California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-Tec communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Rockford Register Star, a local newspaper in Rockford , IL reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near New Milford , IL , Bubba Schultz, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Illinois had already gone wireless.

Just makes me proud to be from Illinois! :bananas_b

buzzwinder

11-09-2009, 10:48 PM

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27.Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

29. Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ?

supermario

11-09-2009, 10:55 PM

The hippie and the nun

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

supermario

11-09-2009, 11:20 PM

Blonde joke

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.

He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”

The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”

The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.’”

D_&_T

11-10-2009, 12:50 AM

Hey Howard some o f those nurse jokes work well in back of an ambulance real well too!!

The medic i work with would love Valium spray bottle to help out so EMTs, so they don't upset
Patients after he's calmed them down!!!!:0519:

bencelest

11-10-2009, 10:58 AM

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch inLouisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.

momoese

11-10-2009, 12:38 PM

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

buzzwinder

11-12-2009, 09:22 PM

Super Groaner

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truc k runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

bencelest

11-14-2009, 09:23 AM

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

island cassie

11-16-2009, 04:59 PM

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu..

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32..62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

saltydad

12-05-2009, 02:28 AM

Highlights from British TV and radio quiz shows:

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues -- what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct -- and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBCMIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners, Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er...
Leslie: He makes bread...
Contestant: Er...
Leslie: He makes cakes...
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...?
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

The Hollyberry Lady

12-06-2009, 06:25 PM

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/a25.gif

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/emo20.gif

MediaHound

12-06-2009, 11:08 PM

Anything inappropriate or against our rules will be deleted, please be aware of the guidelines of posting.
Bananas.org Rules (http://www.bananas.org/rules.php)

MediaHound

12-06-2009, 11:08 PM

1. (http://www.bananas.org/rules.php#1) No content that is considered racist, sexist, obscene, objectionable, or otherwise offensive comments will be tolerated. All such posts or content will be deleted without notice. This includes avatars and uploaded photos. This could result in the loss of your membership.

The Hollyberry Lady

12-06-2009, 11:19 PM

and the news room goes quiet...

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/a52.jpg

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/a55.jpg

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/emo8.gif

The Hollyberry Lady

12-07-2009, 12:00 AM

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/a29.gif

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/a53.gif

: )

The Hollyberry Lady

12-07-2009, 10:57 PM

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there...

The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes, it is"

Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it"?
Man: "No, thanks"
Boy: "My Dad's outside"
Man: "OK, how much"?
Boy: "$250"

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again...

Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball glove"

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "Alright, how much"?
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold"

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside for a game of catch"...

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove"
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for"?
The boy says "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession"

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes into the confessional and closes the door...

The boy says, "Dark in here"
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again - you're in my closet now"

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/emo1.gif

The Hollyberry Lady

12-08-2009, 12:04 PM

Too funny...http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/emo10.gif

piPyfqAKf6o

BananaLee

12-09-2009, 02:19 PM

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again - you're in my closet now"

That's really offensive...

supermario

12-09-2009, 02:33 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om_yq4L3M_I

Best description of football EVER!!!

buzzwinder

12-09-2009, 02:59 PM

Classic Carlin! Thanks for posting that one! :bananas_b

supermario

12-09-2009, 03:05 PM

That's really offensive...

I strongly disagree. I thought the joke was very funny! There are much more offensive things on TV right now. They can be summed up as "reality TV".

Also, if you read some of the jokes in this thread, you will find several that poke fun at priests, nuns, blondes, etc etc. That is why this thread is called "Dumb jokes".

Another point I want to make.. A few years ago.. many priests and cardinals were guilty of the most offensive crimes ever! Child Molestation. If the joke were about Michael Jackson, would you be offended???

Comedy has always pushed the boundaries. The only time I don't like jokes is when they poke fun at the recently deceased. The reason being that no matter what wrong/silliness that person did in his/her life, that person has family that is grieving and who may come across that joke. I love south park, but hated when they poked fun of the crocodile hunter and MJ not even a week after they died. No matter what your religious beliefs, death is a serious matter. Now, I wouldn't push to have one removed or take the time to post that I am offended by it.

supermario

12-09-2009, 03:07 PM

Classic Carlin! Thanks for posting that one! :bananas_b

One of my favorite comedians! He is one of those guys who always pushed the boundaries. May he RIP.

BananaLee

12-09-2009, 05:24 PM

I strongly disagree. I thought the joke was very funny! There are much more offensive things on TV right now. They can be summed up as "reality TV".

Also, if you read some of the jokes in this thread, you will find several that poke fun at priests, nuns, blondes, etc etc. That is why this thread is called "Dumb jokes".

Another point I want to make.. A few years ago.. many priests and cardinals were guilty of the most offensive crimes ever! Child Molestation. If the joke were about Michael Jackson, would you be offended???

Comedy has always pushed the boundaries. The only time I don't like jokes is when they poke fun at the recently deceased. The reason being that no matter what wrong/silliness that person did in his/her life, that person has family that is grieving and who may come across that joke. I love south park, but hated when they poked fun of the crocodile hunter and MJ not even a week after they died. No matter what your religious beliefs, death is a serious matter. Now, I wouldn't push to have one removed or take the time to post that I am offended by it.

You don't have to agree, but when someone makes fun of your religion like that, it not funny. Yeah priest used to do some bad things like in the 16th century but this joke seems like a pretty modern joke to me. If you had a religion, then I don't think you'd be laughing. Of course death is a serious matter but joking about a dead person is just as rude as joking about someones religion. I know comedy goes a little beyond some boundaries, but you shouldn't go too far as to hurt someone.

Scuba_Dave

12-09-2009, 06:37 PM

The Hollyberry Lady

12-09-2009, 07:08 PM

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/151840-1.gif

I certainly didn't mean any harm - I am Catholic, after all. Just a little humor - take it or leave it.

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/a27.gif

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/emo20.gif

BananaLee

12-09-2009, 07:17 PM

I think what the Catholic priests did RECENTLY (Molestation & higher ups MOVING them around to HIDE it) was FAR more offensive then any joke that I have ever heard

Jokes are jokes...take them as such
I'm really tired of the PC stuff where you can't say anything that might offend someone

Sorry but rules are rules! And if you want to offended someone or talk trash about my religion, then go talk to the admin about it. Gosh! You people stop making fun about my religion, please!? If you had a religion, I wouldn't make fun of it! It's rude, this is suppose to be a friendly website, how about we keep it that way!

Scuba_Dave

12-09-2009, 07:20 PM

YOUR religion ?
I think its more then your religion, its a lot of peoples
Its ANOTHER Catholic making the joke
ITS a JOKE
You have the option of not reading jokes or this thread

supermario

12-09-2009, 07:42 PM

Sorry but rules are rules! And if you want to offended someone or talk trash about my religion, then go talk to the admin about it. Gosh! You people stop making fun about my religion, please!? If you had a religion, I wouldn't make fun of it! It's rude, this is suppose to be a friendly website, how about we keep it that way!

Scuba Dave's initial comment was not poking fun at the catholic religion. He mentioned a fact and gave his opinion of it. My comments were not an attack on the catholic religion either, nor were they meant to harm you in any way. I just think you need to lighten up.

BananaLee

12-09-2009, 07:49 PM

Sorry, I'm just very sensitive about my religion, all I said was that I found it offensive is all, it didn't have to go this far. Just understand that I'm very religious and I will defend it. Even if it is a joke, it's what strong Catholics do.

supermario

12-09-2009, 07:52 PM

Blonde Selling Car

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

supermario

12-09-2009, 07:57 PM

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday!

The Hollyberry Lady

12-09-2009, 07:59 PM

Hahahahahaha!!!! Too funny!

: )

Patty in Wisc

12-09-2009, 08:13 PM

That's really offensive...
I thought so too...esp at Christmas time

Eric

12-09-2009, 08:56 PM

Really? Some of the best jokes I ever heard (ROFLMAO) were jokes about dumb kids! And how old am I?
Actually, I find fueling flames offensive, Especially at Christmas Time! Peace on Earth, Good Will towards men.... :) !

If I knew a good joke, I'd post it... immediately! We could use a little more Humor here!

The Hollyberry Lady

12-09-2009, 09:18 PM

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/a60-1.jpg

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/a59.jpg

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/a58.jpg

: )

Abnshrek

12-09-2009, 10:12 PM

Hey I'm Catholic and I thought it was very funny (cause its a Joke).. Well since most of the priests in trouble are caught molesting boys and such...

supermario

12-10-2009, 06:37 AM

Painful to watch..

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/WALIARHHLII&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/WALIARHHLII&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

supermario

12-10-2009, 06:41 AM

I LOVE this skit!

<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/TDfVmfzX_sY&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/TDfVmfzX_sY&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>

BananaLee

12-10-2009, 12:01 PM

Very painful to watch! Lol!

momoese

12-10-2009, 12:12 PM

That one reminds me of this one. I give you Miss Teen South Carolina!

YouTube - Santa Cruz City Council Testimony 5/13/08 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5oVzbwYWpg&feature=related)

The Hollyberry Lady

12-10-2009, 12:20 PM

supermario

12-10-2009, 12:51 PM

That one reminds me of this one. I give you Miss Teen South Carolina!

Yxe_kwc8klw

LOL! I love how only one person briefly claps at the end.

Eric

12-10-2009, 02:42 PM

Miss teen USA South Carolina could... ROFLMAO... Def bring back dumb blonde jokes... ROFLMAO... As for SNL Peyton Manning, ROFLMAO... I sure LOVE my parents! Pleeeeeease dont let anything happen to them!!!!.... Oh, and remind me NEVER to move to Santa Cruz.... ROFLMAO ROFLMAO!!!!!!
Thanx :ha: :ha: guys!!!!!!
Vegie trees at a farmer's market!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!! Def gotta see that!!

BananaLee

12-10-2009, 03:25 PM

That one reminds me of this one. I give you Miss Teen South Carolina!

Yxe_kwc8klw

I heard better ideas out of a 3 year old! ROFLMAO!!!!:ha::ha::ha::ha::ha:

Seaner

12-10-2009, 05:20 PM

That "Brilliant Woman" has a great future on Capital Hill! I don't think I've ever heard a better political campaign speech! - ROFLMFAO

Abnshrek

12-10-2009, 09:25 PM

Well I see some people don't think before they open their mouths..
The Peyton Manning skit is hilarious...

momoese

12-11-2009, 11:46 AM

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdoes can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

supermario

12-12-2009, 05:37 PM

This could be THE best anti-drug commercial ever

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/hJdF8DJ70Dc&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/hJdF8DJ70Dc&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

supermario

12-12-2009, 05:48 PM

http://www.funnyjokepics.com/funnypics/89c8ed65847a7a33bd1118688297f328golf.jpg

The Hollyberry Lady

12-12-2009, 05:50 PM

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/flower_lol2-7.gif

The Hollyberry Lady

12-12-2009, 06:12 PM

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo193/hollyberrylady08/a53-1.jpg

: )

saltydad

12-13-2009, 04:31 PM

Subject: A TRIP
> TO COSTCO
> >
>
>
>
> Yesterday I was at my local
> COSTCO buying a large bag
> of Purina dog
> Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder
> Dog
> And was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked
> if I had a
> Dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
> So
> since I'm retired and have little to do, on
> impulse I told her no,
> I
> Didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet
> again.
> I
> added that I probably shouldn't, because I
> ended up in the
> hospital
> Last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
> awakened
> in an
> Intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
> orifices and
> IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was
> essentially a perfect diet and that the way
> that
> It works is to
> load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
> simply
> Eat one or
> two every time you feel hungry.
> The food is nutritionally
> complete so it works well and I was going to
> Try it
> again.
>
> (I have to mention here that practically
> everyone in line was now
> Enthralled with my
> story.)
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
> because the dog
> Food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a
> curb to sniff an
> Irish Setter's ass and a car hit both of
> us.
>
> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
> attack he was
> Laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there
> anymore.
>
> Better watch what you ask retired people. They have
> all the time in the
> World to think of crazy things to
> say.
>
> Forward this (especially) to all your retired
> friends......it will be
> Their Laugh for the
> day
>
>

supermario

12-14-2009, 10:38 AM

Revelation 3:20(Don't worry guys, this joke could not possibly offend anyone)

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

BananaLee

12-14-2009, 03:07 PM

Patty in Wisc

12-14-2009, 11:28 PM

Lee, just say "my tongue got stuck in my eye teeth & couldn't see what I was saying" :):):)
That's what I say!!!

saltydad

12-17-2009, 05:08 AM

Subject: Power of a Wife's Love

<style>  </style> The awesome power of a wife's love

*

*A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly

smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the

stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and

with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the

railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the

kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself

already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally

hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted

wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The

aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of

the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

supermario

12-17-2009, 10:39 AM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

supermario

12-17-2009, 10:46 AM

Dirty Joke - Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b@#$% tonight, Dave."

buzzwinder

12-18-2009, 11:00 PM

The Wisconsin Ghost

This is too good not to read, especially if you thought ghosts didn't exist! This happened about a month ago just outside of Stoughton, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began
begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel,
guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Stoughton.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar dripping wet, and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we
wuz pushin it in da rain."

saltydad

12-20-2009, 03:29 PM

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

saltydad

12-20-2009, 03:32 PM

Redneck Water Skiing

http://i50.tinypic.com/xc7ub8.gif

Patty in Wisc

12-23-2009, 10:58 PM

A WINTER POEM

It's winter in Milwaukee
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Milwaukee
When the snow is up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut .

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Wisconsin
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!

buzzwinder

12-24-2009, 07:01 PM

Merry Christmas everyone, here are a few bad puns that you may be able to use during holiday conversations! :bananas_b
Subject: CREATIVE PUNS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on ahead.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

:0521: :nanadrink:

supermario

01-01-2010, 12:13 PM

Joke is from New Years 2005. These are this person's resolutions from year to year...

RESOLUTION #1:

1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2001: I will read 5 books a year.
2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2004: I will read at least one article this year.
2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

RESOLUTION #4:

2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2003: I will not leave Marge.
2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

2002: I will stop looking at other women.
2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2005: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2005: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

2002: I will see my dentist this year.
2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

saltydad

01-08-2010, 03:54 AM

OK, this one is sure to piss off everyone, but also bring a smile I hope. From a friend's sister in Australia.

From my sis in Australia:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Austrulia will come end rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Patty in Wisc

01-14-2010, 12:19 AM

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday : Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor or police, if the supervisor is the irritant, you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day!

supermario

01-14-2010, 09:04 AM

Relationship Joke
Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

supermario

01-14-2010, 09:09 AM

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long,
grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful,
and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old
man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked
over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In
a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped
out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

ron_mcb

01-15-2010, 09:35 PM

NASA's finest astronauts?
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/jdmqBmiEZd4&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/jdmqBmiEZd4&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

sunfish

01-16-2010, 12:09 AM

What do you call a gorilla with a banana in both ears.

Anything you want he can't hear you.

buzzwinder

01-19-2010, 01:28 PM

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace, two weeks later; he got five tickets in the mail for drivingwithout a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

:bananas_b

Patty in Wisc

01-19-2010, 02:08 PM

:ha::ha::ha: I think I know him :ha::ha::ha:

Patty in Wisc

01-25-2010, 08:36 PM

"I've often been asked", says Harold, 'What do you older folks do, now that you're retired'?

"Well ... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background," he replied.

"And one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine, scotch, champagne and Baileys Irish Cream into urine."

saltydad

01-25-2010, 11:52 PM

I am sinking!

YouTube - I am Sinking (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zW8oA2AEio)

NotherNana

01-26-2010, 08:25 PM

Here's some funny sign-age a friend just sent me:

<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/s-chinese.jpg"><br />
Huh???

<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/s-drink.jpg"><br />
My advice would be not to drink and make road signs!

<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/s-gas.jpg"><br />
Honey, load 'em up with burritos!

<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/s-illiterate.jpg"><br />
How can they write if they can't read???

<img src="http://www.ginodiavonti.com/jokes/s-jerk.jpg"><br />
...Goes without saying... :)
*I edited the sign in PSPro for kid's sakes*

saltydad

01-27-2010, 12:41 AM

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td valign="top"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr valign="top"> <td valign="center" width="100%">What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Fred and his wife,
Diane, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Fred leaned over, touched Diane’s arm gently, and whispered,

'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Fred’s life of celibacy.......... http://www.bananas.org/cid:880CE422954C4037A5D33F56522D917E@jamesjudy
</td></tr></tbody></table>

</td></tr></tbody></table>

saltydad

01-27-2010, 12:44 AM

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb founded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest...

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

saltydad

01-27-2010, 12:46 AM

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are two lessons for us all here:

Don't waste ammunition.

Don't mess with old people.
I just love a story with a happy ending!

saltydad

01-27-2010, 12:51 AM

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

saltydad

01-28-2010, 01:55 PM

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally? ??

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new Truck

jeffreyp

01-28-2010, 01:59 PM

A horse walks up to a bar and the bartender asks hey why the long face?

Jack Daw

01-28-2010, 02:12 PM

A horse walks up to a bar and the bartender asks hey why the long face?
I heard a version of this joke, but instead of horse, it was Sarah Jessica Parker who came to the bar. :ha: :ha:

jeffreyp

01-28-2010, 04:52 PM

or celine dion

Patty in Wisc

01-29-2010, 01:13 AM

Sorry if I posted this before....
but it reminds me of the three legged dog that walked into a bar. The bartender said " what are you doing here...you can't come in here"! The dog said "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

saltydad

02-03-2010, 06:00 PM

> NO SEX SINCE 1955<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found<o:p></o:p>

> himself at<o:p></o:p>

> a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.<o:p></o:p>

> There was no shortage of extremely young,<o:p></o:p>

> idealistic<o:p></o:p>

> ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for<o:p></o:p>

> conversation.<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a<o:p></o:p>

> very<o:p></o:p>

> serious man. Is something bothering you?"<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> The young lady looked at his awards and<o:p></o:p>

> decorations and<o:p></o:p>

> said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a<o:p></o:p>

> conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.<o:p></o:p>

> Relax and<o:p></o:p>

> enjoy yourself."<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his<o:p></o:p>

> serious<o:p></o:p>

> manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't<o:p></o:p>

> take<o:p></o:p>

> this the wrong way, But when is the last time you had sex?"<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> ''1955, ma'am."<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> "Well, there you are.. No wonder you're so<o:p></o:p>

> serious. You<o:p></o:p>

> really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> She took his hand and led him to a private room<o:p></o:p>

> where<o:p></o:p>

> she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned<o:p></o:p>

> against his<o:p></o:p>

> bare chest and said, "Wow,you sure didn't forget much since 1955."<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice,<o:p></o:p>

> after<o:p></o:p>

> glancing at his watch, "I Hope Not; It's Only 2130 Now.."<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

> (Gotta Love Military Time)<o:p></o:p>

><o:p> </o:p>

><o:p>
</o:p>

buzzwinder

02-04-2010, 12:01 AM

Now That There Was Funny! I don't care who ya are, That was funny! Thanks Howard! I needed that! :ha: :bananas_b

Jack Daw

02-04-2010, 05:31 AM

Howard, amazing joke. :)

saltydad

02-04-2010, 03:58 PM

One of the best (worst?) missed editing was back in the mid 80's when PC Magazine had an ad for 'Eunuchs' Programmers.

Scuba_Dave

02-12-2010, 07:22 PM

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters

Where do girls with only 1 leg work ?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
IHOP

They have a sign up
Please do not tip your waitress

Scuba_Dave

02-12-2010, 08:58 PM

http://www.funnyphotos.net.au/userimages/user756_1168231167a.JPG

http://www.funnyphotos.net.au/userimages/user756_1168230723a.JPG

saltydad

02-13-2010, 07:44 PM

<o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" images="" smilies="" redface.gif="" border="0" alt="" title="Embarrassment" smilieid="2" class="inlineimg"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" images="" smilies="" redface.gif="" border="0" alt="" title="Embarrassment" smilieid="2" class="inlineimg"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" images="" smilies="" redface.gif="" border="0" alt="" title="Embarrassment" smilieid="2" class="inlineimg"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" images="" smilies="" redface.gif="" border="0" alt="" title="Embarrassment" smilieid="2" class="inlineimg"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" images="" smilies="" redface.gif="" border="0" alt="" title="Embarrassment" smilieid="2" class="inlineimg"></o:smarttagtype><o></o>
Top This One For A Speeding Ticket<o></o>
<o></o><o></o>
Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on <o></o>
I-15, just north of <st1:city w:st="on">Oceanside</st1:city>, <st1><st1:city w:st="on">San Diego</st1:city>, <st1:state w:st="on">California</st1:state></st1><o></o><o></o>'

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check<o></o>
speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were <o></o>
suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour <o></o>
and climbing. <o></o><o></o>

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not <o></o> and then it suddenly turned off. <o></o><o></o><o></o><o></o><o></o><o></o><o></o><o></o><o></o>

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the <o></o>
radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged <o></o>
in a low flying exercise near this, it's home base location.<o></o><o></o>

Back at the <st1:street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on">California Highway</st1:address></st1:street> Patrol Headquarters the Patrol <o></o>
Captain fired off a complaint to the US Marine Corps Base <o></o>Commander for shutting down his equipment. <o></o><o></o>

The reply came back in true USMC style:<o></o>
<o></o>
'Thank you for your letter. <o></o><o></o>

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the <o></o>
Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, <o></o>
your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal <o></o>back to it, which is why it shut down.<o></o><o></o>

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed <o></o>
aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. <o></o>

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the <o></o>
situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system <o></o>
alert status and was able to override the automated defense system <o></o>
before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position. <o></o><o></o><o></o>

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, <o></o>
since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. <o></o>
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his <o></o>
dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is <o></o>loose.

Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'<o></o>
<o></o>
Semper Fi!' <o></o>
<o></o><o></o><o></o><o></o>

NotherNana

02-17-2010, 11:56 AM

5 NUNS IN A BA R

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa , Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, &Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.
Scroll down.......:)

<img src="http://pollywogsworldoffrogs.com/FUN/barstool-legs.jpg">

saltydad

02-17-2010, 04:28 PM

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td valign="top">Hell Explained
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Thanks Patty!

</td></tr></tbody></table>

supermario

02-17-2010, 05:37 PM

LMAO!!! Great joke! A little hard to read though..

saltydad

02-17-2010, 06:01 PM

LMAO!!! Great joke! A little hard to read though..

Fixed.

Jack Daw

02-17-2010, 06:06 PM

Yeah, getting lucky can ispire you to wirtting such an answer. :ha:

buzzwinder

02-18-2010, 12:00 AM

Some of these must be read SLOWLY for a full effect.
>
> Subject: Fw:
> : A Blonde's Year in Review
>
>
>
>
> A Blonde's Year in Review
>
> January
> Took new scarf back to store because it was too
> tight.
>
> February
> Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
> Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in
> printer!!!
>
> March
> Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
> months.....
> Box said ' 2-4 years!'
>
> April
> Trapped on escalator for hours ...
> Power went out!!!
>
> May
> Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong
> instructions....
> 8 cups of water won't fit into those little
> packets!!!
>
> June
> Tried to go water skiing.......
> Couldn't find a lake with
> a slope.
>
> July
> Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
> Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their
> arms!!!
>
> August
> Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
> Car swamped because soft-top was open.
>
> September
> The capital of California
> is 'C'.....isn't it???
>
> October
> Hate M & M's.....
> They are so hard to peel.
>
> November
> Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
> Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh
> 108!!
>
> December
>
> Couldn't call 911.
> 'Duh'......there's no 'eleven' button
> on the stupid phone!!!
>
>
>
> THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR -
> SO FAR
>
> A man was in his front yard mowing grass when
> his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of
> the house and went straight to the
> mailbox.
>
> She opened it then slammed it shut
> and stormed back into the
> house.
>
> A little later she came out of her house again went
> to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it
> shut again. Angrily, back into the house
> she went.
>
> As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn,
> here she came out again, marched to the mail box,
> opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
>
> Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
> 'Is something wrong?'
>
> To which she replied, 'There certainly
> is!'
>
> (Are you ready? This is
> a beauty...)
>
>
>
> 'My stupid computer keeps saying,
> 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
:bananas_b

Patty in Wisc

02-18-2010, 12:23 AM

Good ones Bill:)
You know after they came out w/ 911, a man tried to dial it because his son was choking or , some emergency, & his son died because the guy could not find #11 on his phone. True story sorry to say!

Fixed.
Howard, I noticed that font style was hard to read on here too but, how'd you fix it w/out retyping it???

saltydad

02-18-2010, 04:06 AM

Just put it in 'edit', then highlighted the entire post and clicked the last buttton/icon above the message box (shows 2 'A's.). That's it.

saltydad

02-19-2010, 03:57 PM

<table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0.75pt;" valign="top"> Priceless<o:p></o:p>
. <o:p></o:p>

http://www.bananas.org/cid:001b01cab0dc$67b79a60$CFDF315F@shepherdsPC

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna <o:p></o:p>

</td></tr></tbody></table> <o:p>
</o:p>

saltydad

02-19-2010, 03:58 PM

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD

saltydad

02-19-2010, 04:05 PM

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> MEN!!!!

</td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table>
One day my housework-challenged husband decided

to wash his Sweatshirt..

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,

he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the
washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.

'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '

And they say
blondes are dumb....

----------------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying
in bed. The man says,

</td></tr></tbody></table>
'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.......

----------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-------------------------------------------

Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

-------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------�
�
�

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be
men.

--------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you
call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy..

---------------------------------------------

Q: What does it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping

for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they

are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

-------------------------------------------

Q: How do you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the
email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

saltydad

02-19-2010, 04:19 PM

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
******* was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

saltydad

02-27-2010, 08:07 AM

This may be the best
Living Will I've Seen

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

Have a Drink IT'S 5 O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE

Scuba_Dave

03-01-2010, 10:50 PM

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

saltydad

03-02-2010, 01:21 AM

Dave- Guess I'm a lesbian too!

:woohoonaner:

Dalmatiansoap

03-02-2010, 06:22 AM

Dave- Guess I'm a lesbian too!

:woohoonaner:

:ha::ha::ha::ha::ha:
:woohoonaner:

Abnshrek

03-02-2010, 01:04 PM

Dave- Guess I'm a lesbian too! :woohoonaner:

Dang its a small world.. I didn't know I was a lesbian till I talked with the neigbor ladies(on both sides of me).. lmao :^)

saltydad

03-02-2010, 05:12 PM

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girl's getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the Bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.

He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with Perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over............

On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!

saltydad

03-02-2010, 05:48 PM

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to
the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the
panel in the
confessional, the man said: 'Father .. During World War II,a
beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and
asked me
to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest
replied:
'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to
confess that.

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with
sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you
did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions you are
indeed forgiven'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do
have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'

Patty in Wisc

03-04-2010, 09:33 PM

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work

today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs

hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really

need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my

wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything

better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You

say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

Scuba_Dave

03-14-2010, 05:52 PM

http://bp0.blogger.com/_zyX0dSOpUrw/R3Vn5faguOI/AAAAAAAAADA/jFsGs36QQyQ/s400/image.jpeg

natej740

03-14-2010, 10:28 PM

Test Drive

I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it...

saltydad

03-16-2010, 04:40 PM

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat,
they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his
table..

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver' but I ain' t niver seed nobody do it!'

Jack Daw

03-16-2010, 04:52 PM

saltydad

03-16-2010, 05:04 PM

For some reason my CPR instructors never included this technique, more's the pity. :ha:

Patty in Wisc

03-16-2010, 10:49 PM

Good one Howard

saltydad

03-17-2010, 05:02 PM

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A
SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER", SHE SAID. "I
HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM
TO HER EAR..

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD
TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT
TO THE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M
GETTING A FAX!!"

saltydad

03-18-2010, 06:02 PM

A day late for St. Patrick's Day.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?'

Jack Daw

03-20-2010, 07:33 PM

Since this thread is for above the law group only, here's something that caught my attention (no, I really found it by mistake!).
Ante, is there a Grozny in Croatia? I thought there was one Groznij in Chechneya too...

YouTube - Orgasm-Alarm (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KmOW1GpEP4)

porkchop

03-22-2010, 05:30 AM

Here's one:

2 snakes in a zoo and one snake says to the other,
"Are we poisonous?"
"Not sure", said the other, "Why?"
The other snake replies,
"cos I've just bit me tongue!!!"

saltydad

03-24-2010, 01:06 AM

Talk about dumb.

http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs428.snc3/24686_380188441191_530906191_3569849_4846306_n.jpg

Jack Daw

03-24-2010, 01:38 AM

Talk about dumb.

http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs428.snc3/24686_380188441191_530906191_3569849_4846306_n.jpg
Wow, that is so awesome. Man, growing condoms as crops. :ha:

Patty in Wisc

03-24-2010, 01:55 AM

OK, I'll grow some condoms alongside the Kate Moss that Bob wants me to grow - so I can send him many seeds of that moss. :)

Jack Daw

03-24-2010, 03:44 PM

OK, I'll grow some condoms alongside the Kate Moss that Bob wants me to grow - so I can send him many seeds of that moss. :)
You know, Patty, what would be much more profitable? Growing the VIA*RA. It's worth much more than condoms. :ha: :ha: :ha:

Patty in Wisc

03-26-2010, 05:25 PM

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as --
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS!

And furthermore --

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a ' DUMB BLONDE ' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE..'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE'!

saltydad

03-28-2010, 03:28 PM

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

Jack Daw

03-30-2010, 11:14 AM

LOL. Long time ago I saw this episode of South Park... Here's the more interesting version. ;) :ha:

And yes, it's a dumb joke.

YouTube - Al Gore's ManBearPig Speech at Nobel Peace Prize (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6K6k8yUi1I)

NotherNana

03-30-2010, 12:41 PM

Patti, that is too, too funny. I'm going to have to find some more jokes to add. Salty and Jack, still laughing at those too! Sending Patti's and Salty's off to a friend of mine :)
...'liquid grain storage facility'....lololol!

NotherNana

03-30-2010, 01:14 PM

OK, I found a couple. The next one will take me a little longer, have to upload some photos. Here's the first one:
You know you're a senior citizen when...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out...
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember where you read this list ....

And lastly, a piece of advice....
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night..