View Full Version : Adults Only Humor
saltydad
10-16-2008, 02:47 PM
Some pharmaceutical humor....
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3240/2947005109_05610879cb_m.jpg:ha:
Howard ,you dirty dog! I'll have to show my wife , she's in peds gastroenerology.
Chironex
12-12-2008, 10:29 PM
That's hilarious!
Patty in Wisc
12-12-2008, 10:41 PM
LOL Howard. I got that in a email .. said it was for a viagra ad.
duh...it says viagra right on it...duh.
saltydad
12-15-2008, 12:05 AM
Slightly blue humor…
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'
'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.
The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'
'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....
'My girlfriend's gone, too!!
saltydad
12-16-2008, 01:06 PM
A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.
EXAMPLES:
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY.........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A20NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ?
A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....'
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TALE BEGINS........... 'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS S--T.'
saltydad
12-16-2008, 01:12 PM
I was so depressed last night thinking about the current crisis with the economy, that I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Bananaman88
12-16-2008, 02:23 PM
Howard, you're too much!
island cassie
12-16-2008, 07:25 PM
Howard - you have my kind of humor!!
buzzwinder
12-17-2008, 11:45 PM
http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=14843 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=14842) Sorry, but I JUST HAD TO SAY IT!!
saltydad
12-18-2008, 02:43 AM
Amen, Bill to that!!
saltydad
12-18-2008, 02:44 AM
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old <st1:city w:st="on"><st1>Hammond</st1></st1:city> organ,
the young minister
noticed a
cut-glass bowl
sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water,
and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.!
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist .
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package
on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu
all winter.' <o>:p></o>:p>
Lagniappe
12-18-2008, 03:27 PM
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies!
Their minds are always working.
buzzwinder
01-10-2009, 12:30 AM
Mouseball replacement sent out from IBM " Actual Letter"
To: Whom it may concern
>
> Re: Replacement of mouse balls
>
>
> If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement
>
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
>
Before proceeding, determine this type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced by using the pop off method.
>
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
>
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
> It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
>
> Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
>
> Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
stumpy4700
01-10-2009, 12:38 AM
Mouseball replacement sent out from IBM " Actual Letter"
>
> Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
AMEN to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :ha::ha::ha::ha::ha::ha::ha:
mskitty38583
01-10-2009, 11:06 AM
I was so depressed last night thinking about the current crisis with the economy, that I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
oh that is great!
Lagniappe
01-10-2009, 11:11 AM
Growing old is like shooting an air rifle with a broken arm. Sure, you can still do it, but you may need someone else to pump it up first.
saltydad
02-07-2009, 05:44 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
xavierdlc61887
02-07-2009, 06:23 PM
hehe ive heard this one before....and ironically it was when i worked at a UPS supply chain and solutions place :P
saltydad
03-07-2009, 07:00 PM
http://www.majhost.com/gallery/kolelarson/Fark/dixie.jpeg
Patty in Wisc
03-08-2009, 07:54 PM
Thought of the Day: Just thinking
Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?
buzzwinder
03-08-2009, 10:01 PM
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Patty in Wisc
03-17-2009, 12:00 AM
...Putting Your Affairs In Order
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've gotsome bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.
I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
Patty in Wisc
03-17-2009, 12:03 AM
There is a new paint out.
It's called 'Blonde' paint.
It's not too bright & spreads easily.
saltydad
03-23-2009, 02:32 PM
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh,nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem,doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,'she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day oftheir 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting20you a headstone that
reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly.'
Tog Tan
03-23-2009, 02:49 PM
During a survey on sexual promiscuity a macho looking man was asked if he sleeps round with other women. His reply was loud and simple;
Please.... I ONLY sleep with my wife.....
With other women, I stay AWAKE ALL NIGHT...
Mark Hall
03-27-2009, 05:40 AM
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Londoner looks down in horror. 'F***ING HELL!' he
screams........'Where's my Rolex????...':ha::ha::ha:
Tog Tan
03-27-2009, 06:05 AM
Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks or months and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Sheesh...
saltydad
04-12-2009, 09:54 PM
The Knob
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor look ed at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Tog Tan
04-13-2009, 01:05 AM
The Black Panties
A woman lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, she says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mom, I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties?
She replies: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'
He knows he's not getting lucky that night...
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: 'What's with this black condom?'
He replies: 'I want to offer my deepest condolences'
Chironex
04-13-2009, 01:09 AM
:0520:
Tog Tan
04-14-2009, 10:22 AM
Father in Church: An hour's pleasure is not worth a lifetime of disgrace.
Any questions?
Someone yelled: Tell me how do you make it last an hour?
Why are condoms transparent? So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene,
even if their entry is restricted...!
How do you define a virgin? On the Verge but not in!
Patty in Wisc
04-14-2009, 11:31 PM
Would this make you quit drinking?
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/Patty_in_Wisc/quitdrinking.jpg
Chironex
04-15-2009, 12:13 AM
If they were the last women on earth, I would be drunk every day! Yikes! Hey, is that my ex in there????
Lagniappe
04-15-2009, 07:19 AM
Would this make you quit drinking?
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/Patty_in_Wisc/quitdrinking.jpg
In related news......
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/L62c5302pYY&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/L62c5302pYY&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
Chironex
04-15-2009, 11:19 AM
Hilarious! Thanks
Tog Tan
04-15-2009, 01:47 PM
Just one look at the pix, I am going back to drinking though I have stopped for 15 years. :waving:
Patty in Wisc
04-15-2009, 02:50 PM
Scot, is that your X on far left? (my fav)
They all look like they just sucked on a lemon...puckered up :)
Bananaman88
04-15-2009, 03:39 PM
If they were the last women on earth, I would be drunk every day! Yikes! Hey, is that my ex in there????
I swear, one of them is Tog in drag!
Chironex
04-15-2009, 05:01 PM
Scot, is that your X on far left? (my fav)
They all look like they just sucked on a lemon...puckered up :)
By golly, I believe you're correct! Ugly old hen isn't she?
Would this make you quit drinking?
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/Patty_in_Wisc/quitdrinking.jpg
I want to use this in the banana mag for future banana drink mix articles.
Maybe my new avatar!
Patty in Wisc
04-15-2009, 05:42 PM
I swear, one of them is Tog in drag!
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/Patty_in_Wisc/crylaughing2.gifhttp://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/Patty_in_Wisc/crylaughing2.gif
Patty in Wisc
04-15-2009, 05:44 PM
Bob, this will MAKE people drink more - esp men LOL
You leave your avatar alone!
Tog Tan
04-15-2009, 10:25 PM
I swear, one of them is Tog in drag!
:ha::ha::ha: Good eye sight!
Bananaman88
04-16-2009, 02:11 PM
Sorry, Tog, after someone made a comment about you in drag a couple of weeks back I just had to. Feel free to bash on me as well.
Tog Tan
04-24-2009, 08:50 AM
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill.
Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love.
In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck.
He looked down at the two, still on the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn?
You could have been killed!"
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said,
"Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
StarTrek
04-24-2009, 03:40 PM
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said "Captain Marvey asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
http://www.filehive.com/files/090316/banana-angel-flying.gif
Patty in Wisc
04-24-2009, 08:21 PM
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!'
Tog Tan
04-27-2009, 12:19 PM
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked:
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
>
>
>
>
>
> Smallcox?
saltydad
05-07-2009, 05:28 PM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The "iTit" will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker
size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
saltydad
05-09-2009, 01:22 PM
Subject: Proper Grammar
On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom.
When she came in, I took off my clothes and said,"1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
chong
05-09-2009, 07:32 PM
How to Tell an Old Salesman "The Bikini is Too Small!"
YouTube - Bikini too small (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4Qmi3aWL3M)
saltydad
05-10-2009, 12:24 AM
This is for real (I think).
http://www.jonesbigasstruckrentalandstorage.com/
StarTrek
05-12-2009, 10:17 AM
A nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it's likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'..... she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
http://www.filehive.com/files/090316/banana-angel-flying.gif
Scuba_Dave
05-12-2009, 10:47 AM
This might be related to the Liquor Prohibition post
I wonder which 6 gals?
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y105/Daveywb/Fun/8a18488u.jpg
Tog Tan
05-13-2009, 05:51 AM
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'
buzzwinder
05-13-2009, 09:22 AM
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
:bananas_b
chong
05-14-2009, 04:42 PM
(This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile! )
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first
exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very Professional and
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.’
'You don't have any milk.'
’I know,' she said, ’I’m his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.’
saltydad
05-18-2009, 11:13 PM
Squizzle.com | Movie: Richard Simmons on Who's Line (http://squizzle.com/movieview.asp?id=2191)
chong
05-19-2009, 01:50 AM
Squizzle.com | Movie: Richard Simmons on Who's Line (http://squizzle.com/movieview.asp?id=2191)
I got a message that the video is no longer available. Did you download it?
buzzwinder
05-19-2009, 09:18 AM
A man stranded on a tropical island is amazed to see a gorgeous female scuba diver walking out of the water in a very low-cut wet suit. He runs to greet her and tells her he hasn't seen another human in five years. "Sounds like you could use a drink," she says as she unzips one of her pockets and offers the man a flask of 12 year old Scotch. "That's the best drink I've ever had!" he exclaims. "Would you like a smoke?" she asks as she unzips another pocket on her suit and offers the man a Cuban cigar. "This must be the best cigar in the world!" he shouts as he blows smoke rings in the air. As she begins to unzip the front of her wet suit, she asks with a wry smile, "Would you like to play around?" "Wow, you got golf clubs in there, too!?":golfingbanana:
buzzwinder
05-19-2009, 09:25 AM
A little more Golf humor.
A lady and some of her friends were out golfing at the local Country Club. While out on the course a Bee lands on her and stings her. After finishing their round of golf the lady goes to the Pro Shop and tells them about the Bee. The golf Pro asks her where she was bit, and she says it was between the 1st and 2nd hole. The Pro says well I know what your problem is "your stance is to wide." :golfingbanana:
Tog Tan
05-19-2009, 09:27 AM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family..
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell! , hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "! This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um.. Equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
At that point, Mrs. Smith fainted.
StarTrek
05-27-2009, 06:10 AM
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are you doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
saltydad
05-27-2009, 05:28 PM
I got a message that the video is no longer available. Did you download it?
This should work.
YouTube - richard simmons on whose line (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k)
ron_mcb
05-27-2009, 06:20 PM
this is so ridiculous,its roll on the floor funny!!!
YouTube - The Whitest Kids You Know - Cubicle Boss (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXnMSHL1up8)
john_ny
05-27-2009, 08:13 PM
ron - you changed your screen name?
ron_mcb
05-28-2009, 03:26 PM
ron - you changed your screen name?
well its condensed:ha:
Scuba_Dave
05-28-2009, 06:53 PM
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call
I am making some changes in my life
Please leave a message after the Beep
If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way
around you're not going anywhere. ( this one is me)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
chong
05-29-2009, 12:34 AM
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.’
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
Chironex
05-29-2009, 01:50 AM
OMG, how hilarious!!!!
buzzwinder
05-29-2009, 08:21 AM
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought
them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice
anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked
Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's
hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression,
Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.
:bananas_b
Patty in Wisc
05-29-2009, 11:55 PM
Undies
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mum said: "YOU should say NO-they only want to look at your undies".
Susie said: "I know they do that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
ron_mcb
05-30-2009, 11:34 AM
just about how every bureaucratic system in the world works :ha:
YouTube - Mr Show Change for a Dollar (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGuT97v4pv0)
Patty in Wisc
05-31-2009, 12:04 AM
Hey Ron, what is your avatar? I'm sure it's my 'puter cuz some one elses avatar is the same --pure black - no pic. I see all other pics just fine except for 2-3 ppls avatars which are blacked out. Anyone else see this?
ron_mcb
05-31-2009, 10:40 AM
Hey Ron, what is your avatar? I'm sure it's my 'puter cuz some one elses avatar is the same --pure black - no pic. I see all other pics just fine except for 2-3 ppls avatars which are blacked out. Anyone else see this?
well you could adjust the color,and contrast but you wont get any true definition. its meant to be a silhouette.:ha:
john_ny
05-31-2009, 04:39 PM
Patty - I've got the same thing. Ron and Gabe's avatars are black. I'm sure it's my monitor, because when I print them, they're fine. If I lighten them first, so they look OK on the monitor, and then print them, the print is all washed out. Tried to adjust the monitor, and we got it a little better, but thsoe two, and a few other of the darkest, are still black.
chong
06-02-2009, 03:37 PM
Bet this'll put a smile on your faces!
YouTube - Hi there curly is your mom home (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dWDTaf3Ii8)
saltydad
06-02-2009, 05:38 PM
Love it!
Tog Tan
06-04-2009, 12:23 PM
Lovemaking tips for Seniors
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(I wrote this in large and bold type so you can read it)
Patty in Wisc
06-04-2009, 04:09 PM
The Three Stages OF A Man's Life
SINGLE
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/Patty_in_Wisc/lion1.jpg
MARRIED
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/Patty_in_Wisc/lion2.jpg
DIVORCED
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/Patty_in_Wisc/lion3.jpg
Sorry guys, but the 2nd pic made me ROAR laughing:ha::ha::ha:
Tog Tan
06-05-2009, 12:08 PM
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do they're own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
Patty in Wisc
06-05-2009, 01:50 PM
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/Patty_in_Wisc/crylaughing2.gif
Tog Tan
06-05-2009, 02:08 PM
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/Patty_in_Wisc/crylaughing2.gif
I think it's true cos otherwise there will be an enormous number of swollen headed teen age boys growing into big swollen headed adults.....with permanent black eyes, broken noses, smashed teeth....partial blindness due to ruptured eyeballs...:ha::ha::ha::ha::ha::ha::ha:
john_ny
06-06-2009, 01:27 PM
Good one, Tog.
Patty in Wisc
06-06-2009, 02:10 PM
A good comeback...
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
Scuba_Dave
06-06-2009, 06:53 PM
A young man is walking a tightrope between 2 huge skyscrapers
Another young man has a 90 year old lady with her head between his legs, dentures out & going to Town
Both men are thinking the same thing
What are they thinking?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Don't look down
Don't look down
Tog Tan
06-08-2009, 01:04 PM
Diary of a man.....
1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I'm unable to remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: It's nature's way of saying "no hard feelings".
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop"; unless they are used together.
6. Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity; it's a lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss; only down under.
14. A newly married couple were happy with the "whole thing". He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing!
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch
sleeps with everyone except you.
17. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
18. Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus; it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
19. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!!!
saltydad
06-11-2009, 04:57 PM
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td valign="top"> Boobs in Church
There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any of the green persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top">
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
</td></tr></tbody></table>
</td></tr></tbody></table>
Patty in Wisc
06-11-2009, 10:01 PM
Two guys walking down a street noticing a dog licking himself. One guy said "geeze, I wish I could do that". The other guy said "I tried that once and the dog bit me".
Tog Tan
06-12-2009, 08:35 AM
A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his tool, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replies: "Because I really miss mine".
Lagniappe
06-17-2009, 06:49 PM
Musa 'Florida Variegate' from Thailand. I wanted to post a pic when it first arrived, but thought it was too nasty looking. If I had thought of it then, I would have posted on this thread.
:D
http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=18445&size=1 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=18445)
saltydad
06-18-2009, 05:34 PM
Here's one our dear friend Tog would have enjoyed:
YouTube - Cialis spoof (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1k_MG73mac&feature=player_embedded)
Patty in Wisc
06-18-2009, 07:47 PM
Pete, where do the batteries go??
chong
06-18-2009, 10:21 PM
Pete, where do the batteries go??
I think that this one is a hand job. No batteries required.
mskitty38583
06-19-2009, 12:14 AM
wonder if cialis would work on "producing " more nanas???
buzzwinder
06-19-2009, 12:22 AM
wonder if cialis would work on "producing " more nanas???
Only if You decide the time is right, as life has it's little interuptions.:bananas_b isn't that what the commercial says?
mskitty38583
06-19-2009, 08:42 AM
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!:ha::ha::ha:
Lagniappe
06-19-2009, 05:31 PM
I give you "Lycopersicon mammilliform". :ha::ha::ha:
http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=18501&size=1 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=18501)
Patty in Wisc
06-26-2009, 10:47 AM
A little boy says to his mother, " Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!
island cassie
06-26-2009, 12:46 PM
:ha::ha::ha::ha:
saltydad
06-27-2009, 03:10 PM
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some *******'s got my pen!'
buzzwinder
06-27-2009, 09:40 PM
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided that the donkey was old,
the well needed to be filled in anyway, so
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
*****
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW .......
Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
:bananas_b
justjoan
06-29-2009, 07:18 AM
I have to share, my son and his family were here this weekend from Anchorage AK and my 5 year old grandaughter had to share a joke with me so I told her I would tell you folks.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he didn't peel well. Have a great day!
Patty in Wisc
06-29-2009, 08:18 PM
Hey Joan, nice avatar!! :)
Jack Daw
06-30-2009, 03:30 AM
Well, it's time that I finally share somethin' from my very large photobook, enjoy people. :D
http://i448.photobucket.com/albums/qq201/Jackob_Daw/Canyoubelieveit.jpg
One of the VIP series in Central Europe.
http://www.haluze.cz/fotky/small/vtipne-obrazky-429-4.jpg1.682466.jpg
Actually Stella Artois isn't that good ;)
http://www.inetdisc.com/kalerab/getimg.php?src=forum/p/partay_eufklk5ff.jpg
I love his smile...
http://imgur.com/K4VS.jpg
Killed nana.
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2466/3618386506_48d7467233_b.jpg
Yeah, nature :D
http://www.srandaweb.com/pic/2009/cervenec/2303.jpg
http://hemmy.net/images/funny/unusualpicture01.jpg
also this one, labelled as 'I love USA, especially San Francisco':
http://www.haluze.cz/fotky/small/nehody-25.jpg1.810451.jpg
Black sheep of the family?
http://www.srandaweb.com/pic/2009/srpen/1594.jpg
And FINALLY, for Ante and other technicians like me:
http://www.inetdisc.com/kalerab/getimg.php?src=forum/f/funnyfoto_039_6gxkikl2a.jpg
Jack Daw
07-04-2009, 04:39 PM
My favourite part of this video is Hello joke :D , time index 4:57. I actually use it when someone calls with private number and after I answer I find out it's someone I wouldn't like to talk to right now ;) :
- "Hello?" (nice accent)
- "Hello!"
- "Good evening." (nice accent)...
- "Hello?" (nice accent)There are also 2 interesting videos to watch, neither Dutch (talking about handicaps created during medical surgeries) nor German is needed to understand... Enjoy
YouTube - Public-access TV host bombarded with prank calls. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIEHI0vfCBk)
YouTube - TV Moderator laughs his ass off (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvAyl9GJisA&feature=related)
YouTube - Laugh in TV (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8eajhV_lK0&feature=fvw)
Also T-Dawg :D
YouTube - Prank Call to Live Call-In Show (T-Dawg) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q57ZjWRarM8&feature=related)
Jack Daw
07-04-2009, 05:31 PM
And now for some better Family Guy scenes (yeah I know, some of them are silly, but once you go beyind that offensive layer, it's quite funny...):
This one's actually good ;)
YouTube - I remember Cecil (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyN7Tekf0q4)
I love this Italian speaking :D
YouTube - Family Guy - Speaking Italian (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JhuOicPFZY)
How the Star Wars began....
YouTube - Family Guy - Meter Maid Darth Vader (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoEBAgy3t3U)
Frog Prince:
YouTube - The Frog Prince (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS4mcAALUBY&feature=PlayList&p=_dV-tC0LVVo)
What a show:
YouTube - A Dog on the $25,000 Pyramid (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_kbOQIg4sM&feature=channel)
Chironex
07-05-2009, 04:12 PM
92 yr old man sat on bench crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong with you old man?" a passer by asks.
"It's my 22 yr old girlfriend, she wants sex twice before breakfast, once before lunch, twice after dinner and twice again before we sleep!"
"So what's the problem?" the passer by asks.
The old man replies "I can't remember where I live..............":ha::ha::ha::0517::02:
Jack Daw
07-06-2009, 04:47 PM
And the nonsense goes on...
http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/1282/114219d1245943861funnys.jpg
http://kbw.inetdisc.com/getimg.php?src=forum/f/funnyjunk_eufklk5p7.JPG
http://img91.imageshack.us/img91/8051/112416d1244748755funnys.png
http://img209.imageshack.us/img209/8036/112937d1245146723funnys.jpg
http://kbw.inetdisc.com/getimg.php?src=forum/g/grand_bazar_turecko_dcqkl2v88.jpeg
http://kbw.inetdisc.com/getimg.php?src=forum/0/04943_can_u_read_akakk037t.jpg
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fail-owned-pick-up-line-win.jpg?w=480&h=336
http://www.waitingfornextyear.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/28-funny-warning.jpg
http://s-ec.buzzfeed.com/static/imagebuzz/2008/9/19/22/c365b53db1af4f82a4b9bd3e1f18803e.jpg
http://kbw.inetdisc.com/getimg.php?src=forum/8/8609_292f_450_d37keicc5.jpeg
http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t319/Kristian_Maria/Prosinec%202008%20a%20dal/253274_Thismightnotbethecreepiestth.jpg
Jack Daw
07-06-2009, 05:06 PM
If those pics annoy you instead of make some fun, PM me. :D
saltydad
07-09-2009, 11:09 PM
Best damned dog story I ever heard
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation.<o:p></o:p>
The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?"<o:p></o:p>
The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." <o:p></o:p>
The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?""Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." <o:p></o:p>
The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" <o:p></o:p>
The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.""So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires."Looks like I'm losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says. <o:p></o:p>
The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?""I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"The black Lab says ...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."<o:p></o:p>
MediaHound
07-12-2009, 09:22 AM
Never really ventured into this thread till now but its not fair to some who had their content removed due to breach of the rules, and allow this thread to remain.
Hate to do it but the thread is now locked. Please refrain from posting adult-only content, or anything else really that could be considered obscene. Even with disclaimers in the title. I know this decision will be questioned by some and it might not seem like a lot of fun to live with but overall we need to draw a line somewhere and enforce the rules we have had since inception.
vBulletin® v3.6.8, Copyright ©2000-2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.