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Abnshrek
04-30-2014, 07:36 AM
I went the the Base Page and saw "BeerFarts".. enough said.. :^)

Kat2
04-30-2014, 07:45 AM
Ad or new member? I missed it. Darn.

Abnshrek
04-30-2014, 08:02 AM
Ad or new member? I missed it. Darn.

a newer Member.. :^)

Abnshrek
04-30-2014, 10:18 AM
https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/1477364_10152524634594062_727231095_n.jpg

Abnshrek
04-30-2014, 03:35 PM
https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/10338860_10152399888780070_957252557046854137_n.jpg

Kat2
04-30-2014, 04:14 PM
I have been very, very good. I started plants; I'm finding homes for spares. Grudgingly--they're my babies! Several years without dirt or many possessions has helped me with my collecting addictions but I know I'll never be totally cured. It did help that I planted old seeds. I only purchased marigolds, Swiss chard and cucumbers but refrained from planting entire packages. It wasn't self restraint; I didn't have enough cells or space and was ordered to not make "messy" newspaper pots. It doesn't help that I have 2 long time gardeners "champing at the bit" to share treasures with me. Help!

ETA: I went to look at a little house today. Holy cow! There were 4 trees right beside it; 1 was growing through the front roof overhang and another was into the siding. It was apparent that someone had gardened there--pots of all sizes strewn about in the backyard. Tempted as I was to collect the bounty, I settled for a twig from a very old and sad looking fig. (I'd have clipped more but they were really tough.) I figure 4 starts from that one.

Yeah, I'm sick!

Abnshrek
04-30-2014, 06:11 PM
I need some of these to hangout w/ my hanging monkey.. :^)

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/10308271_805391269478659_1460825492117116346_n.jpg

jbyrd88888
04-30-2014, 07:09 PM
Around my pond today, heard a frog croaking nonstop almost! Looked all around because I knew it had to be right in front of me... And it was... This thing must have had a death wish, broad daylight.
http://i59.tinypic.com/v5bbt0.jpg

I took a lot of up-close photos, it was not even a little scared of me.
We had multiple small showers today and it stayed comfortably warm.

Olafhenny
04-30-2014, 10:26 PM
"Baby you are finer than a new set of snow tires" That reminded me of a hitchhiker I
picked up quite a few years ago. When he got into the car I noticed, that his knuckles
were bleeding. He explained: "I was fighting with five guys, who kidnapped my wife. If I
could get her back, I would pay one hundred dollars. (pause) And you know, she is worth
it"
That cracked me up.


Olaf
PS: $100.- would not have bought a new set of snow tires, even then. :ha:

Abnshrek
05-01-2014, 12:43 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/486694_467187566724623_2128209998_n.png

A942533
05-01-2014, 11:03 PM
I read and listened to a Facebook post where a guy had a piano in his yard and he was playing it. The female elephant danced. The male elephant and the guy played the piano and the elephant occasionally bleated. Once they were done, the male elephant high-fived his human friend.

Abnshrek
05-02-2014, 06:26 PM
I need some of these.. :^)

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/p370x247/1908259_10152443469826264_7365284939396452915_n.jpg

Kat2
05-02-2014, 08:15 PM
Growing up in the DC area, I had to learn how to parallel park properly (PDQ) or face a ticket if I wasn't perfectly spaced from the curb.

Stop me if I've told this here...okay, you can't...sorry.

On May 8th, the exact day I could go test for my DL after turning 16 because I had to have a learner's permit for 15 days which I couldn't get in person but only by mail and couldn't apply for until my 16th BD on 4/13...thus the lapse.

This was not some flat parking lot test but on the road and actually on hills in Kensington, MD. I had the choice of 2 family cars for my test: the Ford station wagon or the little Valiant. The Ford was huge but automatic; the Valiant was 3 on the tree I'd driven 3 times briefly with my father and I had stalled on hills with him, which, in those days was an automatic fail.

I chose the Ford.

I, using my hopefully about to be dead learner's, drove my mother to the test site. Written test? Scored 96%. Next step? Parallel parking at the police station. In a boat. Yikes!

The cop administering my test walked me to the cruise ship, got in, wrote a few things down, told me to start the engine, directed me to pull up to where the 2 cones of potential failure were located and then said. "Lunch" as he opened the passenger door and got out.

I spent 10 minutes maneuvering the mother ship into perfect position then went down the street with Mom to try "lunch". She had a sandwich; I bit my nails.

Came back early. My test administrator opened the door, asked me to turn on the engine and commanded me to park. One turn of the wheel while gently backing up (watching all mirrors) and I was done. He opened the door, looked down and said "Let's go!"

The hills were a piece of cake; I didn't stall once. I had Mom drive home; I was too antsy.

I can park a manual like a champ these days and only stall on hills if the clutch is slipping or it's new ride for me. I like little cars.

Olafhenny
05-02-2014, 09:37 PM
It’ll be more fun, Migael, if you print this on slips, which resemble parking
tickets in your town and slip those under the windshield wiper. :ha:

Abnshrek
05-05-2014, 11:51 AM
I read and listened to a Facebook post where a guy had a piano in his yard and he was playing it. The female elephant danced. The male elephant and the guy played the piano and the elephant occasionally bleated. Once they were done, the male elephant high-fived his human friend.

That was pretty good.. Elephant was getting its groove on.. :^)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjsu3SGAdLs

Abnshrek
05-05-2014, 04:41 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/t1.0-9/1464682_1430344273884288_5799856889685064505_n.jpg

Olafhenny
05-06-2014, 04:15 PM
An elderly lady is stopped by a young cop: "Do you know that you were speeding?"

She with a bright smile: "Yes, but I have to get there before I forget, where I am going."

The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
Makes perfectly good sense to me!!


I am almost there myself :ha:,

Olaf

cincinnana
05-06-2014, 06:27 PM
The middle part of my log bridge collapsed when I was walking over it.
Har-di har...
.
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/110357684@N02/14146161953" title="image by Hostafarian, on Flickr"><img src="https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7359/14146161953_e346416abe_c.jpg" width="800" height="598" alt="image"></a>

Olafhenny
05-06-2014, 08:52 PM
Hi Mike,

I cannot make out any leftovers of a collapsed log bridge, but I do not have to,
since it is clear anyway, that you have to go on a diet :ha:

Good luck, with rebuilding, whatever collapsed :)

Olaf

Abnshrek
05-08-2014, 10:30 PM
If I saw this in the store I'd be rollin' on the floor dyeing.. :^)

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/10155290_10203957306756804_1533638941830713523_n.jpg

Abnshrek
05-09-2014, 07:17 AM
https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t34.0-12/10344937_1431221850463197_2106929930_n.jpg?oh=9873e59bb419324b55 71fdef51c6b7cc&oe=536F0663

Abnshrek
05-12-2014, 11:19 AM
https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/t1.0-9/319034_460667037305513_1107827080_n.jpg

Abnshrek
05-12-2014, 03:35 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/v/t1.0-9/10341984_10152452506084602_6673316244045698094_n.jpg?oh=b5225782 ea34855c324f585ff06c2c06&oe=53F87286&__gda__=1407564037_ee9c6ff862551c993955c64a6ef4dbc9

bananimal
05-12-2014, 08:00 PM
Here is another one from my buddy who has an urge to share stuff no matter what................................

HOLY HUMOR
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and Bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5yr-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious 6yr-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny's family was having Sunday dinner at his Grandma's house. Everyone was seated at the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Yes, you do" mom insisted "We always say prayer before eating at our house"
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Abnshrek
05-13-2014, 07:26 AM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1.0-9/10261980_770224229677186_9208008195762540297_n.jpg

Abnshrek
05-14-2014, 04:41 PM
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to come over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out on the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax, let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

pmurphy
05-14-2014, 05:56 PM
TRAVEL PLANS......Inconclusive travel plans for all of 2014


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting a little older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the heart!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

I have been in Deep**** many times; it's easy for me to get there.
:08:

Abnshrek
05-14-2014, 09:36 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/10250320_272899209556584_7242653595649551177_n.jpg

bananimal
05-15-2014, 12:34 AM
Would You marry Again? - Priceless

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: (silence)

HUSBAND:
"Oh, ****.”

Abnshrek
05-15-2014, 08:08 PM
Craig's List: Free to good home.

My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell! So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!!

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10156098_555162647933454_1210505103_n.jpg

Abnshrek
05-17-2014, 11:37 AM
https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t34.0-12/10361154_1432141670371215_120030678_n.jpg?oh=285e0df831e0e591a65 39adcd1890725&oe=5379681B

I recently had my Hoe broken, so I had to get a new one and make sure it got dirty.. Guess who broke the Hoe? lol :^)

Abnshrek
05-19-2014, 02:32 PM
https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/10298885_10152371065601112_7735433608411330070_n.jpg

Abnshrek
05-22-2014, 09:18 AM
How they came up w/ Jeep.. Someone was looking @ his beer bottle upside down.. :^)

https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/10372348_10152459006878464_1115278548128955680_n.jpg

Abnshrek
05-22-2014, 11:50 AM
I thought Beerfarts was funny.. but our Newest Member.. has me Rollin'.. suckmybannana (http://www.bananas.org/member-suckmybannana.html) Thanks for the laugh.. lol :^)

Abnshrek
05-27-2014, 07:56 AM
https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/t1.0-9/p235x350/10414498_660402257375655_3607777802288336152_n.png

bananimal
05-28-2014, 07:34 AM
It's all about time!

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in..

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all ; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Abnshrek
05-28-2014, 06:59 PM
http://apps.startribune.com/blogs/user_images/pauldouglas_1401244276_15funnywaysHEATcollegehumor.jpg

I bet if this is running no one can complain if you leave your dog inside.. :^)

bananimal
05-29-2014, 10:59 PM
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

Kat2
05-29-2014, 11:20 PM
Thanks for the giggle! Not that I have ever been in a Bass Pro Shop much less used a MC for years and have certainly never passed gas at an inappropriate moment but I can imagine all of that happening to some other poor doddering old lady and so I smiled.

bananimal
05-30-2014, 09:39 PM
California History

http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=56135 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=56131&ppuser=820)

Do you know what happened
164 years ago this summer.....

September 9, 1850?
California became a state!
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically NOTHING has changed except,
then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.

Olafhenny
06-01-2014, 11:36 PM
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/lungwitz/14139689010" title="DSC05195 by Golestan2, on Flickr"><img src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2915/14139689010_5d16715b53_c.jpg" width="600" height="800" alt="DSC05195"></a>

Olafhenny
06-03-2014, 12:10 AM
T-shirt seen in Vietnam:


<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/lungwitz/14148365778" title="DSC04240 by Golestan2, on Flickr"><img src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2904/14148365778_168f4c914f_c.jpg" width="600" height="800" alt="DSC04240"></a>

Abnshrek
06-05-2014, 11:07 AM
https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/t1.0-9/10007398_10152281352690941_1987891340_n.jpg

Abnshrek
06-09-2014, 08:26 PM
https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/t1.0-9/10299921_736529206404227_1203195723655164900_n.jpg

Abnshrek
06-09-2014, 11:03 PM
https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/t1.0-9/10454460_278218475699823_5364745166268352820_n.jpg

Abnshrek
06-11-2014, 09:57 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/1959217_847808715248511_8543996749660774501_n.jpg

Abnshrek
06-12-2014, 06:42 AM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10376333_973816605981126_8624451772832657048_n.jpg

jbyrd88888
06-14-2014, 09:51 AM
I recently had my Hoe broken, so I had to get a new one and make sure it got dirty.. Guess who broke the Hoe? lol :^)

I have 3 hoes working for me now! Today I was introduced to a new hoe at a yard sale, wasn't too dirty so I brought home with me. $1 hoe can't beat that deal unless it was free! I've broke one in the past so I'm always lookin' for a back-up.

http://i62.tinypic.com/b7z5g1.jpg

Also got my dawg a new pimp collar fo a dolla!
http://i57.tinypic.com/2hsaq0p.jpg

Kat2
06-15-2014, 08:58 PM
I laughed until I cried at Mr. Cocoa's utter astonishment that I'm now caught 3 (1 last night he pulled in and 2 tonight that I did solo) catfish using frozen KFC fried chicken--original recipe. "Don't tell me you're fishing with fried chicken! Cooked chicken?"

"I told you I was last night."

"Well, don't do it again."

"Um, okay."

What a shame! They seem to like it very much and I get to catch rather than just fish. (He does remove those prickly, slimy, whiskered creatures from the hook for me--perhaps that's why KFC is now verboten? :ha:)

I was hoping for some mullets to use as bait but he's had no success casting blind or otherwise these 2 nights and I wanted to fish so I improvised. I tried to buy chicken necks for my little basket crab trap but could only find pricey gizzards; no crabs yet but catfish also like those. Sadly my stash has migrated into the tundra just now hence the substitution of freezer burned wings and things.

Oh, and I caught a small conk in my net which I took back to the river. Next time red fish, shrimp and crabs--I wish.

Abnshrek
06-23-2014, 01:50 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-9/10500244_10152534348648734_2531533940488189614_n.jpg

Abnshrek
06-25-2014, 08:30 AM
Instead of looking Happy this guy looks like he crapped his pants or something.. :^)

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t34.0-12/10489139_653893598024546_993433127_n.jpg?oh=82da285d9175fbacc100 0c339d5e9f10&oe=53ACD41E&__gda__=1403852483_713f1790e6ce2cebf800c138b9f61989

bananimal
06-25-2014, 08:43 PM
Story of the Outhouse


There was a little boy who lived in the country.

The family still used an outhouse and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in
the summer, freezing cold in the winter and smelled all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that
one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today
was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.
He found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

The boy knew that meant a spanking ... so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school
today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
because he told the truth ..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the
cherry tree!"

Olafhenny
06-25-2014, 09:41 PM
Good one! :ha:

bananimal
06-26-2014, 03:41 PM
http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=56309 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=56292&ppuser=820)

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he
has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been
drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning
to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles
of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt there
after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him
and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has
just been arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: No, but do you know that
this is a British car and my wife is the driver... on the other side???

pmurphy
06-26-2014, 04:09 PM
On the same note,

Designated Decoy

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar and trip on the curb. Then he proceeded to fumble for his keys before trying to unlock a car, but the key would not work so he tried on the next car. The office watched as he did this on five different cars before he found his. The man then sat in the front seat and fumbled around with his keys for several minutes. The officer then watched as the man proceeded to roll down the driver's window, and roll it back up. He did this several times while the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to slowly pull away. By now the police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The office was astonished to see the results showing a reading of 0.0 so he re-administered the test with the same results. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be so the driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
:bananas_b

bananimal
06-27-2014, 10:35 AM
Beetches 'till the End!


The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those beetches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your arss is disconnected.

bananimal
06-29-2014, 12:19 AM
Ahhhhh the wisdom of the ages.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews
and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a effing wall"

bananimal
06-29-2014, 08:04 AM
Why Teachers Drink...

The following questions were in last year's GED examination. (These are genuine answers)


*Q. What is a turbine?*
*A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.*


*Q. How is dew formed.*
*A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.*


*Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on*
*A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.*


*Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?*
*A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.*


*Q. What are steroids?*
*A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .*
*(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)*


*Q. What happens to your body as you age*
*A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.*


*Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?*
*A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.*


*Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.*
*A.. Premature death.*


*Q. What is artificial insemination?*
*A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.*


*Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?*
*A.. Keep it in the cow.*
*(Simple, but brilliant)*


*Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?*
*A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U
(WTF!)


*Q. What is the fibula?*
*A.. A small lie.*


*Q. What does 'varicose' mean?*
*A.. Nearby.*


*Q. What is the most common form of birth control?*
*A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.*
*(That would work)*


*Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'*
*A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.*


*Q. What is a seizure?*
*A.. A Roman Emperor.?*
*(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)*



*Q. What is a terminal illness?*
*A. When you are sick at the airport.*
*(Irrefutable)*



*Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?*
*A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight*
*(brilliant)*


*Q. Name the four seasons*
*A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar*

bananimal
06-30-2014, 08:24 AM
Plumber of the year finalists!

These pics are a hoot!

Dump A Day Funny Plumbers Of The Year Finalists - 31 Pics (http://www.dumpaday.com/random-pictures/funny-pictures/funny-plumbers-of-the-year-finalists-31-pics/)

Kat2
07-01-2014, 12:54 PM
For all the ladies who drive alone

I had a flat tire on the 1- 40 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so lifelike! You wouldn't believe it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat.

He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck the naked cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know!

So I told him ....

"Well", I explained to the angry policeman ....

"They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!"

I go to court in August.

(Damn Police. No sense of humor.)

Olafhenny
07-02-2014, 02:33 PM
A couple are at the airport in Phoenix, awaiting their flight.

They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, and all ready to head home
to the Canadian winter.

An older American couple standing nearby are intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?"

He replies, "How would I know?"

She counters, "You could go and ask them."

He says, "I don't really care. You want to know, you go ask them."

She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me, I've
noticed the way you're dressed and I wonder where you're from?"

The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The woman returns to her husband who asks, "So, where are they from?"

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English."

Abnshrek
07-03-2014, 01:06 PM
http://assets.amuniversal.com/6e5c3150c27a01315a25005056a9545d

bananimal
07-07-2014, 09:27 AM
Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At
Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old.
Well . . . You'll Love This One.
My Name Is Alice
, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A
New Dentist.

I Noticed His DDS Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name.
Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same
Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old
To Have Been My Classmate.

After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School
'yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.

When Did You Graduate?' I Asked.

He Answered, 'in 1975. Why Do You Ask?'

You Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely.

Then, That Ugly,

Old,

Bald,

Wrinkled Faced,

Fat-arsed,

Gray-haired,

Decrepit

Son-of-a-beetch

Asked,

"What Did You Teach?"

bananimal
07-08-2014, 08:29 AM
Here is another one sent to me by the prolific emailer.

Clever Anagrams

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Kat2
07-09-2014, 07:52 PM
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Had one of those; she didn't die in a bunker but got her "perfect" child back. Karma is sweet!

Abnshrek
07-10-2014, 10:10 PM
https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/t1.0-9/10350520_10152583781003615_1471317133393570883_n.jpg

That would suck so bad its funny.. :^)

bananimal
07-10-2014, 11:00 PM
If you ever feel a little bit stupid


If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to?
your brilliant friends.

I just did !!

bananimal
07-13-2014, 08:58 AM
SAD SAD NEWS

http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=56421 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=56344&ppuser=820)

Abnshrek
07-14-2014, 12:40 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10425044_900680116624330_1004033566545996326_n.jpg?oh=c49ce4e7c7 e430c347d7b887f2dc40e4&oe=5452B9B0&__gda__=1415030124_32b18c7f41a5ae1d6fcffe06190ea88c

Can you say not real.. I think this is super fake or just the camera angle.. Whatcha think..? :^)

Olafhenny
07-14-2014, 03:56 PM
I think it is for real. Look at the fellow's hand at the banana. It ties the size of the banana
to the face behind it. It is a monster alright. What it tastes like is not stated, however. :)

jbyrd88888
07-14-2014, 04:47 PM
I think it is for real. Look at the fellow's hand at the banana. It ties the size of the banana
to the face behind it. It is a monster alright. What it tastes like is not stated, however. :)


Yeah it might probably be real but, that guy in the picture is only 3'6" tall :ha: It would look like a jalapeno in Shaquille O'Neal's hand.

Abnshrek
07-14-2014, 05:34 PM
Yeah it might probably be real but, that guy in the picture is only 3'6" tall :ha: It would look like a jalapeno in Shaquille O'Neal's hand.

So your saying they used a pygmy? :^)

Abnshrek
07-18-2014, 07:39 AM
https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/t1.0-9/10375081_786424144723861_8690311501381259413_n.jpg

Snookie
07-18-2014, 07:51 AM
http://s30.postimg.org/ap058perl/2008_11_25_mrpeanut.jpg (http://postimage.org/)
adult image sharing (http://postimage.org/)

bananimal
07-25-2014, 08:11 AM
Sunburn Treatment

A man passed out on the beach in Naples, Florida for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The Doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

bananimal
07-27-2014, 08:02 AM
Honesty

Yup, some people can’t handle the truth!

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the f__k I am now...

Olafhenny
07-27-2014, 03:12 PM
Bill and George are friends pushing forty.

Bill has a wife and two kids, George is single. Inevitably they had the following
discussion:

Bill: “how come you are not yet married?”

George: “Never met the right girl”

Bill: “What exactly are you looking for?”

George: “Well, she has to be a looker. Looks are important to me and she should
be sexy. Then I’d like her to be frugal, a good cook, keep the house neat and
have some money.”

Bill: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry you!”

George: “Well it is okay, if she is crazy.”

Abnshrek
07-29-2014, 09:00 AM
https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10378248_786442771388665_2297864660108426533_n.jpg?oh=195e314d0e 5dc9ca969314d07ecff1ad&oe=544D5DC9

Abnshrek
07-29-2014, 09:38 AM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10313124_738595826182250_4308074382840727704_n.jpg?oh=395049298f a387c82da9a9e61627d51c&oe=544F195A&__gda__=1413514800_ab6b9a887eeb4286cd43989dd801b2d7

Abnshrek
07-29-2014, 08:24 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/387030_10151136830824083_1917612963_n.jpg?oh=41fc49aa780225a6911 d9d18e55f7ce5&oe=54498D2B&__gda__=1413121696_93ba60487bea7692ff485f46f83c95c5

Olafhenny
07-30-2014, 06:30 PM
This may not be the funniest thing in this thread, but amusing nevertheless and it really
happened to me a couple of days ago on the parking lot of a local supermarket:

A fellow pointed his remote at his SUV closing and opening the back door, while looking
at me saying: “See, I do not need to use any muscles”
I: “Using muscles keeps you in shape."
He while we were walking side by side to the store: “I am in shape, I go to the gym. My
doctor says I am overweight, but I am in good shape, am I not?”
I: “Of course you are”

And here I have been priding myself of always telling the truth. ;)

Olafhenny
08-02-2014, 04:45 PM
Jewish Rye

Two old geezers, one eighty, the other 87, are chatting.
The 80 year old to the other: “How come, that you are still so full of energy?”
“I eat Jewish rye bread, it keeps me spry”

So the younger heads to the bakery: “Do you have any Jewish rye bread?”
The sales lady: “A whole shelf full”
“I’ll take 5”
“But by the time you get to the fifth loaf, it will be hard”

He, a bit annoyed: “How come everybody knows about that and I don’t!?”

bananimal
08-04-2014, 07:43 AM
When it's not your time...................

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152013286522499

Abnshrek
08-06-2014, 08:40 PM
This is pretty funny.. If you listen to it its going to get stuck in your head.. :^)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgd9hitEAE&feature=youtu.be

Olafhenny
08-07-2014, 11:37 PM
Okay, it is just another youtube, but this one had me rolling with laughter.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/fPXkUXXFoCw

pmurphy
08-08-2014, 08:47 AM
Got this in an email the other day and some days I can really relate to it :)

----------------------------------

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry

Abnshrek
08-09-2014, 10:23 PM
https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/t1.0-9/1002690_734861513202918_1839909470351084106_n.jpg

Abnshrek
08-10-2014, 05:52 AM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10580064_10152640140973464_8179622495003271159_n.jpg?oh=66e8ca60 072ca3d4988305965de6f042&oe=546BA1DC&__gda__=1416847545_6c180560d7e460aa692c423a42eb8fc0

Abnshrek
08-16-2014, 08:11 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/t1.0-9/1555454_10202669853495671_8792176856907055319_n.jpg

Abnshrek
08-22-2014, 08:46 AM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/t1.0-9/1558467_665127316869998_8128309244190324009_n.jpg

crazy banana
08-25-2014, 12:48 PM
http://www.bananas.org/gallery/watermark.php?file=56641&size=1 (http://www.bananas.org/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=56641)

I wonder how Ken looks like.....

bananimal
09-15-2014, 07:45 AM
Speed and the Elderly...


An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars ! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be
And suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
And passes the Moped at 275 mph
And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out,
And there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows
Into the back of his Ferrari,
Demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

Olafhenny
09-15-2014, 12:33 PM
Thanks, Dan, I loved that :ha:

Olaf

Abnshrek
09-15-2014, 05:26 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1451396_821219257902283_6883423993145213561_n.jpg?oh=0b70013eb72 c123a8c6dbe0efeb1ed1a&oe=54C9CE04&__gda__=1419331405_f9fbfa8dffcc12e0fb921e419611de99

Abnshrek
09-16-2014, 12:10 PM
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31VTJj4VuVL.jpgBanana Slicer Reviews (http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-571-Banana-Slicer/product-reviews/B0047E0EII/ref=dpx_acr_txt?showViewpoints=1) Too Funny... :^)

Abnshrek
09-18-2014, 01:22 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1014315_793241917367584_4426001057071547103_n.jpg?oh=9da330fe79c 873cc87645ebce807daf7&oe=548525EE&__gda__=1422174419_43df57594cee23928e0d0c64f1f3754c

Olafhenny
09-22-2014, 09:58 AM
Vegetable regatta at Ludwigsburg Palace in Germany

At least 250 kg (550 lb) must the pumpkin weigh to be useful as vegetable kayak.
The challenge is to cross 70 meters to the finish line in it and to stay as dry as possible
doing it.


Ludwigsburg: Kürbis-Boot Regatta auf dem Schloss-See - SPIEGEL ONLINE (http://www.spiegel.de/panorama/ludwigsburg-kuerbis-boot-regatta-auf-dem-schloss-see-a-992921.html)

Abnshrek
09-22-2014, 01:46 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10615373_10152649862914939_4941395151552417500_n.jpg?oh=eeb168c0 4fd78614989dc4692963d3f7&oe=54D00533&__gda__=1422963542_ae6886d08a3461f2271a476f0b14459e

Abnshrek
09-22-2014, 06:05 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10685562_10203076619541782_71884258542124657_n.jpg?oh=2d9fd31830 4b63bd5f03f062da7a773a&oe=54C939EC&__gda__=1422017926_295ae9ca9632ee4df7c073733cd182f2

I'd really like to know what kind of plant this is.. lol :^)

Kat2
09-22-2014, 06:49 PM
Is that Photoshop I smell?

Abnshrek
09-22-2014, 07:02 PM
Is that Photoshop I smell?

No.. Its a Bushman's Pipe.. :^)

Abnshrek
09-24-2014, 09:23 PM
https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/v/t1.0-9/1390543_578388845560794_820448276_n.jpg?oh=57315bf59fee34c9657b4 3453894fa96&oe=54853366

cincinnana
09-24-2014, 09:37 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10685562_10203076619541782_71884258542124657_n.jpg?oh=2d9fd31830 4b63bd5f03f062da7a773a&oe=54C939EC&__gda__=1422017926_295ae9ca9632ee4df7c073733cd182f2

I'd really like to know what kind of plant this is.. lol :^)
.similiar....<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/110357684@N02/15160271660" title="Mine are blue not red... by Hostafarian, on Flickr"><img src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2942/15160271660_645ce79705_c.jpg" width="800" height="598" alt="Mine are blue not red..."></a>

Olafhenny
09-25-2014, 08:26 PM
This not just "cracked me up", but also amazed and puzzled me no end:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/75X7G-38xBk

cincinnana
09-25-2014, 08:33 PM
Lol:08:

Olafhenny
09-25-2014, 11:04 PM
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy
day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's
car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry, ! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
home early,' !

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there.' ! 'If my husband catches us
in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain
is the least of your problems.' !

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right
into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside
the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he
could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with
some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked. 'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It
feels so wonderfully free!' Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run
carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' 'Oh, yes' our friend answered
breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car
to go home.' ! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run.' ? 'Nope. . Just when it's raining.

Abnshrek
09-28-2014, 10:12 PM
https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10610921_771388119569687_831164959043382686_n.jpg?oh=1898a0edd77 43ab5287f0bd1bdf192af&oe=54B5FA88
I think one of my neighbors could use these.. lol :^)

Abnshrek
09-30-2014, 08:06 PM
https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/l/t1.0-9/10561683_737597419628267_2345166870860077667_n.png?oh=a94dc21500 332ac0ffd4a4e5d031a985&oe=5487EF95

Abnshrek
10-09-2014, 02:19 PM
https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1375273_10152040191410337_2080415958_n.jpg?oh=4873121046963f396f 21bf6e0572eee3&oe=54CC9EEF

Abnshrek
10-20-2014, 08:17 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10686946_779853808744550_671368967058443252_n.jpg?oh=ee7551e3352 bbd5465685491ac3f1c50&oe=54BA4211&__gda__=1425486424_595fe1b82d0c5e2ba6699184b4d1419e

Abnshrek
10-23-2014, 04:19 PM
https://scontent-a-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1620602_745027138912601_6397786560612103959_n.jpg?oh=f95f11fb52a e1ddabf2b4b2908831b12&oe=54E8605E

Abnshrek
11-05-2014, 03:00 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/v/t1.0-9/999936_10152164185904939_312962606_n.jpg?oh=68a6985cb9b6ff2a59c3 e69cf186a920&oe=54D73E27&__gda__=1424048472_0980675eafaff0ecda14e47915df5d4a

Abnshrek
11-20-2014, 02:29 PM
https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10433140_747301345358934_4872502152343829081_n.jpg?oh=5023c3396b 33036b65b45fb4744f298a&oe=551ED85B

Olafhenny
11-26-2014, 06:56 PM
Last night I came home with an intense urge for something sweet. When I opened
my drawer, I was delighted to find a bar of caramel candy and broke off a sizable
piece. But just as I was putting it in my mouth, I woke up. Can you imagine the
immense disappointment I suffered? As consolation I waddled into the kitchen and
had a hard caramel candy; - clearly not the same! The chunk in my dream was
much bigger and had no calories attached. :ha:

sunfish
03-20-2015, 01:48 AM
Last night I came home with an intense urge for something sweet. When I opened
my drawer, I was delighted to find a bar of caramel candy and broke off a sizable
piece. But just as I was putting it in my mouth, I woke up. Can you imagine the
immense disappointment I suffered? As consolation I waddled into the kitchen and
had a hard caramel candy; - clearly not the same! The chunk in my dream was
much bigger and had no calories attached. :ha:







What the heck has this got to do with this forum ?:ha:

sunfish
03-20-2015, 01:52 AM
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy
day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's
car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry, ! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
home early,' !

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there.' ! 'If my husband catches us
in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain
is the least of your problems.' !

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right
into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside
the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he
could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with
some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked. 'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It
feels so wonderfully free!' Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run
carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' 'Oh, yes' our friend answered
breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car
to go home.' ! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run.' ? 'Nope. . Just when it's raining.








This has nothing to do with bananas whats wrong with you ?

sunfish
03-20-2015, 02:06 AM
This may not be the funniest thing in this thread, but amusing nevertheless and it really
happened to me a couple of days ago on the parking lot of a local supermarket:

A fellow pointed his remote at his SUV closing and opening the back door, while looking
at me saying: “See, I do not need to use any muscles”
I: “Using muscles keeps you in shape."
He while we were walking side by side to the store: “I am in shape, I go to the gym. My
doctor says I am overweight, but I am in good shape, am I not?”
I: “Of course you are”

And here I have been priding myself of always telling the truth. ;)










Not pertinent to this forum

Kat2
03-20-2015, 02:15 PM
Not all subforums on this board are about bananas. This subforum is particularly not so. This thread is not about bananas. What's wrong with you?

sunfish
03-20-2015, 06:49 PM
Not all subforums on this board are about bananas. This subforum is particularly not so. This thread is not about bananas. What's wrong with you?

I see you are blowing smoke again.Do you actually read post or just comment.

Kat2
03-20-2015, 07:01 PM
I read the jokes and your comments; was there something I missed? I'm not in a really happy mood these days; I was the victim of domestic violence in August and, as a result, am partially disabled. The person who did this to me was prosecuted but not punished; as a friend, I had lent him money that I cannot recover.

Despite my situation I am trying very hard to not lash out at others even those of the XY persuasion.

sunfish
03-20-2015, 07:03 PM
I read the jokes and your comments; was there something I missed? I'm not in a really happy mood these days; I was the victim of domestic violence in August and, as a result, am partially disabled. The person who did this to me was prosecuted but not punished; as a friend, I had lent him money that I cannot recover.

Despite my situation I am trying very hard to not lash out at others even those of the XY persuasion.

That's your problem not mine

Kat2
03-20-2015, 07:22 PM
Yes, that's my problem. I'm still wondering about yours.

Olafhenny
04-01-2015, 12:44 PM
German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering
about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old
German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over
him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can
put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my
back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
old German Shepherd says...

This made me smile!

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Kat2
04-01-2015, 08:59 PM
I was thinking of my later father today. Born and raised in New England, he had 2 standard jokes. One was long and involved scientists on an exploratory expedition cooking, coffee and mud but the other was really short and sweet. 2 men floating down the river on a block of marble they took for granted.

Richard
04-01-2015, 10:23 PM
Ted Cruz comparing himself to Galileo.
:ha:

Olafhenny
08-07-2015, 01:50 PM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them.
The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still
hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo ,............ just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am
automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year
--that these windows would pay for themselves in a year----.

Hellooooo ? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never
called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Worm_Farmer
08-13-2015, 03:35 PM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them.
The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still
hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo ,............ just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am
automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year
--that these windows would pay for themselves in a year----.

Hellooooo ? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never
called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.







WOW!! I am going to try that.

Olafhenny
10-12-2015, 09:59 PM
The great German philosopher and poet Johann W. v. Goethe once said:
"Why lie, if there are so many ways to tell the truth?". Here is a prime example:

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Winnipeg, Manitoba when he sees a little girl
leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the
nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker
brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter had watched
he entire event.

The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing
I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I
just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist,
you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me,
what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.' The journalist
leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed,
brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

Olafhenny
10-12-2015, 10:14 PM
And another one, this one also a bit more philosophical than funny:

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically
hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high
official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with
you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and
then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil,
who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and
telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it,
it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the
elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting
for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from
cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to
hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste
and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the
trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The
devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.....

Today you voted..."